AFWAW, So sorry to see you in this situation...do not say anything to your wife about the exposure. If you want this to be as low key as possible it will have to be someone in her chain of command. I would recommend you make an appointment with her CC and 1Sgt...
I would go have a talk with my CC and 1Sgt first and ask for advice. Tell them you just want the affair to end.
...based on what she told your daughter..."She told D about all the stuff she talked about w/ me before about how I didn't treat her right. She left out all the ways she didn't treat me right either--whatever. Now she's justifying her actions to my D." - ...it makes me wonder what she has told her co-workers about you. Very common to justify the affair...
What proof you have should be given to each CC. I would tell them that your goal is not punishment or revenge but an effort to save your marriage and a chance for a family for your daughter.
This is not going to be easy...I would also tell the OMs CC and wife if he is who you think he is and is married. Until the affair is over you can really do nothing to attempt to salvage your marriage...the no contact order should give your wife the wake up call she needs to understand this is not just party time and she could lose a stripe, future stripes, and her retirement check if she continues this lifestyle. Do not try and call her for any reason after you do this...she is going to be embarrased at work and blame it on you. No worries...first, there are many who already know and are going to think she deserves whatever happens. Just low profile for a couple weeks...try to gather evidence.
You are doing good but should step-up your detachment more...she seems to come and go as she wants at your house...it is soon time to stop that, box her stuff up, and put it in the garage, change the locks, you can arrange regular hours for your daughter to visit and she should not need to enter the house to pick her up. Things for you to think about...
