Divorce looming #13

[K4D]

I had a good time again tonite. Second night in a row and I was the only dad both nights. The moms were great though and the kids had a good time.

I had a major setback today. W got frusturated with me about how I ran the budget and finally decided to take over her on her own. She got mad that I wasn't looking at places in the school districts she wanted the kids in and told me she can't move there. I said why not. How come I can and you can't? She said because if she loses her job, she won't be able to pay her rent since she is on a project. But the house she is in is her parents and they will allow her to miss rent to get another job.

I said must be nice. I said I don't have that fall back plan. So I am looking for what is affordable and closer to work. She said what is more important? Affordability or where my kids go to school. Its all well and good that she can say that with her safety net. I don't have a safety net and I am also on a contract position that doesn't pay what hers pays. She told me that she could make up the difference in cost. I said not if she loses her job and I don't need to be depending on her anyways.

I got upset with her and told her she again she is the only one that wants this D and me and the kids do not. She got more mad. I walked out. I was frusturated. She was to. She then told me that she gets offers all the time from other guys but chooses not to take them right now because she has to work on her own issues. She told me it will be years before she respects me as a man. And of course, I opened my big mouth and said what about loving me again. Oh I should not have said that. I spoke in the heat of the moment and I had been doing so well at not talking about the R with her. It was a frusturating afternoon.

She was also angry because she had done research on the school districts and sent them to me. She had asked if I wanted her help on that and I said sure. But once I started seeing the distances and price ranges I decided I have to go with what I can afford and where it is located. This angered her.

I couldn't win today and I should have just kept my mouth shut through all of it.

What a fool I was.

Me and the kids are home tonite after our meetup group. W joined one and went to it as well on her own.

Sorry about the W talk. But that was how the day went.

I did look at some places today and even a house. But I can't afford the house right now. So tomorrow I will be out looking at more places. I am writing down a list of places to look at tonite.

Kevin

[Tia]

Kevin,

Thanks for sharing your story. There's no need to apologize. We all need a 'listening ear' from time to time.

As for finding a place, remember that the Internet is a helpful resource. Also, there are rental agencies in the yellow book that could assist you.

Keep us posted,
/Tia

[aliveandkicking]

Bottom line is that you finally stood up for yourself. I think it was a good day.

She only through the thing about respecting you in to try to knock you off your center and yes, she got to you. BUT, you are still going to do what YOU need to do and that is the only chance that she will ever respect you anyway.

I think that you should focus on what you are doing right.

[Sara]

I don't see why you can't live where you want and keep the kids in the same school they are in. If you can't get them to school early in the morning, then bring them home at night. Why do they have to sleep at your place?

[K4D]

The way we have it set up is that I am supposed to have the kids every other week. We split equal time with them. She wants me to take the risks of everything and her sit in her safety net. I would love to have my kids in great schools. But I don't even know what my future looks like in 6 months.

She doesn't like the schools they are currently in. They aren't the best. But they aren't the worst either. They are probably mid range.

Times are tough as everyone knows. The economy is unstable. The job market is drying up unless you are a specialist with lots of experience. And for her to be doing this right now and expecting certain things of me that she herself will not risk is ridiculous.

I told her I am going to have to run things tighter as I don't have a fall back plan. I am going to have to save like crazy and watch my budget carefully so I have money should the worst happen. I told her my only fall back plan is a terrible one. And that is if I lose my job, can't get another one and can't pay my rent, I will have to end up back in Florida away from my kids and that would be horrible.

She doesn't care about me. So I have to care about me and do whats best for me right now. And that may mean that my kids are not in the best schools right now. She said its my fault I am in a contracting position. And I agreed and said that yes, I fell apart with this whole D situation. But I am trying to get back to stability.

I am not getting any phone calls on permanent positions right now. Its kind of scary right now. I don't have any family here in the Dallas area.

Kevin

[runningoutoftime]

You can only do your best and that's it. Arguing won't change the reality of the situation. Just listen to her, nod your head and say things like, "I hear you." (which is not agreeing or disagreeing). Then later you do what you can do, and what is best for you and your children, and that's it.

Remember, no relationship talk with your wife. That's pointless right now.

I cannot believe your D only took 2 months!!! That's ridiculous!
Is it finalized?

Hang in there. You will be okay. Just focus and take care of YOU.

[K4D]

In Texas you can have a divorce in 61 days. All that is left is for her to file a final divorce decree which I don't know if she has done yet. She hasn't mentioned it and I haven't brought it up. She has until June 4th to file it or the case gets dismissed.

I would think she would say something if she had filed it though.

Today it is more apartment hunting for me. I offered to rent 2 bedrooms that are connected to each other on the other side of the house. She said she would think about it. It would help everyone out. Me, her, the kids. I don't know that she will go for it. She told me not to get my hopes up. And they aren't. I think I am just worried about things and I could use a bit of a safety net myself while I save up some money.

Kevin

[karen43]

Hey, Kevin, you've had all really good advice here.

I do think it seems almost like you have a mom/child R with your wife. You know, you don't need her permission to do what's best for you and your kids. She no longer has the right to judge or criticize what you do anymore. You need to realize this and not let that happen. And that's when she'll respect you I think.

Karen

[jaguilar]

Kevin,

You did good. You stood up to her. Of course, she is going to get mad and angry, she is going to say mean and hurtful things to you. But that's when you have to be a cool customer,just listen to her, validate and listen again. I've had these talks with my W. And each time she gets mad, she goes off on another subject, not about the kids but about her, my past. She just wants to tick you off, to get you upset, to see the old Kevin.


Keep doing what you're doing. Right now, if she losses her job, who cares. You got one and that's all that matters. If she is getting hit on by other guys...WHO FRIGGIN CARES!!! Not yelling at you but your W. She sounds as if she is trying to make you feel guilty or jealous.

Don't buy into it, like water on a ducks back...let it roll off.

Great stuff you're posting ABOUT YOU! It's about time!

[K4D]

I found an apartment in one of the best school districts in the metroplex today. Its a bit more than I wanted to spend, but as long as I budget closely and keep my job or get a better one, I will be able to manage it. Hopefully my car won't break down. Its 11 years old.

The apartment is nice. There are 3 pools and its up in Carrollton for anyone familiar with the area. The thing is I have to sign a 12 month lease for it. I'm not 100% sure that I am comfortable with a 12 month lease. But then what is the option? Its not like I have anywhere to go if things don't pan out.

I'm thinking there is a slight chance that I may end up with the kids more than I thought by going up north a bit more. I'm not sure that W is going to want to make the drive each morning and night during the week. I could be wrong. We will see.

Its a bit scary doing this as a contractor. But this job is eventually supposed to go perm at some point down the road.

And yes, I showed W the apartment and she liked it and is glad the kids won't be in the same school next year. I need to find a way to start a part time business some how.

Kevin