German wife still foggy

[PortlandDad]

Yep, we did family C a few months ago. The kids claimed they got nothing out of it, but it really helped me. That and my Celexa were my life-line!

@mindblank: my kids are doing alright these days. My S17 is the most attached to his mom and calls her pretty much every day. He is done with school (has his GED) and spends pretty much the entire day playing the computer instead of getting off his backside and getting a job! He's a tough one to motivate. My S13 and D12 are much more detached from the W. In fact, my D12 doesn't much talk about the W at all, and they used to be so close. She is more of a daddy's girl anyway, something my W used to complain bitterly about. We've gotten even closer since the separation. My S13 is a lot like me; he struggles in school, but he has a heart of gold. All things considered they are faring pretty well.

@PD: Hey Pheonix, you don't need to tell me about the rapidity of her return and how quickly she wants to normalize things is unusual. For starters, there is no way that I can afford the car she wants, and I wouldn't get it for her even if I could afford it. I have become very fiscally mindful since she has been gone and I will control the purse-strings for our family if/when she returns. She will get a stipend in our jiont account to purchase things that she wants, and I will handle the bills and household purchases. Her uncontrolled and unsupervised spending contributed to our sitch and I won't let it happen again; believe it.

Also, I do not plan to be a push over for her, either. I do love her, but I have come to love and respect myself in the time that she has been gone. I won't let her walk over me and tell me how things are going to be. If she wants to work on the M (and that includes MC, Date nights, etc.) then I am all for it, but I won't accept the status quo as a solution. I also am going to insist that she either gets a job, goes to school, or volunteers somewhere for something. Her being cooped up in the house with only Dr. Phil and Judge Judy to keep her entertained contributed to her resentment of me and her philandering. You know what they say about idle hands.

[Phoenixdeux]

@PD: Hey Pheonix, you don't need to tell me about the rapidity of her return and how quickly she wants to normalize things is unusual. For starters, there is no way that I can afford the car she wants, and I wouldn't get it for her even if I could afford it. I have become very fiscally mindful since she has been gone and I will control the purse-strings for our family if/when she returns. She will get a stipend in our jiont account to purchase things that she wants, and I will handle the bills and household purchases. Her uncontrolled and unsupervised spending contributed to our sitch and I won't let it happen again; believe it.

Also, I do not plan to be a push over for her, either. I do love her, but I have come to love and respect myself in the time that she has been gone. I won't let her walk over me and tell me how things are going to be. If she wants to work on the M (and that includes MC, Date nights, etc.) then I am all for it, but I won't accept the status quo as a solution. I also am going to insist that she either gets a job, goes to school, or volunteers somewhere for something. Her being cooped up in the house with only Dr. Phil and Judge Judy to keep her entertained contributed to her resentment of me and her philandering. You know what they say about idle hands.

Good for you.

[Phoenixdeux]

Jaguilar,

I wasn't talking about counseling for PD and his kids, I was talking about with his wife, when she is actually ready to contribute. If he's gone before with her, it wasn't real counseling anyway...she was on the way out. If she balks at going to a counselor with him to figure out what to do different this time, then she clearly isn't ready to put forth the effort to work this marriage. I am leary of someone who seems to be looking at things from a "returning to my sugar daddy" perspective. Her return needs to be for the right reasons.

[jaguilar]

I hear ya.

[PortlandDad]

Counseling is Non-negotiable. IF she wants to come back (And it truly is IF at this point) she has to agree to it. Last time I mentioned it, she said she didn't want it or think that she needed it.

Shyaeah, right!

She is getting more chatty with my family; asking about how a nephew of ours is doing, writing more stuff on FB, etc. But she is still ignoring me pretty much. She did ask me to call her tomorrow when she will be over at her sister's house babysitting (and who is also, incidentally, going through a divorce right now that was ignited by an A).

It really makes it hard to plan our family vacation this year if I don't know if she will be in or out. If in, we won't have much money, so we will have to do something nearby. If out, then we can spend a little more and go someplace nicer. I realize that I don't get to dictate the timeline here, so I guess our vacation is only one more thing that is in limbo for the time-being.

[Phoenixdeux]

I would plan the family vacation in a way that allows her to join, if she comes back, but otherwise without her input. If you put things on hold waiting for the WAW to make a move, you'll never get to it.

[PortlandDad]

Phooey.

A little set up for todays' drama: My brother got married last week. It was his 3rd wedding. He is a smart guy, college-educated, drives a BMW, but has a temper and a gambling problem. Short story, he pissed away the money for his honeymoon at the casino a few weeks ago and was planning on having a honeymoon at home. It was his Ws first M and she has never been anywhere outside of the local area where they live. I spoke to my parents and my other siblings and we all agreed that we wanted to give his W a nice honeymoon, so we all chipped in and bought them a west coast cruise. My mom sent me a thank-you e-mail about how generous I was and how much my B and his W were enjoying the cruise.

Well, my mom and W have never gotten along well (See my intro post) so I thought that this would be a good time to give my W some proper credit. I replied back to my mom (and BCC'd my W) that we were happy that they were having a good time and that my W had suggested that we help out in the first place. I thought that by correcting my mom's praise and giving due credit to my W that I was doing the "right" thing.

Not so. My W is very resentful that we did not have a decent honeymoon (my first post again) and my mom never even gave us a marriage present, so the tragedy almost writes itself. W calls and is upset. She's babysitting for her sister who is out of town with her dancing troupe. She just read the e-mail I sent and was LIVID. She wants to know why I can afford to give my brother and his W a nice honeymoon when we never had one ourselves? (Damn, good question actually) Then she says, well when your B divorces her, maybe you can marry her. (Ha, that was pretty weak). She finishes by saying that she doesn't want to come home because my family is so disfunctional.

Hoo-boy. Last week she wanted to come home and sleep in her own bed and drive a ML350; Two days ago she was packing; Yesterday she wasn't sure; and today I have a disfunctional family and she doesn't want anything to do with me! I was thinking that she was just about done, but I see that she needs to simmer a little while longer...

It's Emotional Twister! A Game for the Whole Family!

Screw it. The sun is shining and I have some work in the garden to do. Tomorrow I'm taking the kids to Dog Mountain for a nature hike, and then doing Star Trek tomorrow night. Hope ya'lls weekend is shaping up to be nice wherever you are.

[ammoguy23]

I'm sorry PD I thought she was coming back this time, still routing (i'm sure thats not how you spell it) for you though.

[smith18]

It not just emotional twister - it is a roller coaster. Be the rock and dont board that ride.

You are going up Dog Mountain at the perfect time of year in regards to seeing a tremendous amount of wild flowers. Most of them are Yellow Balsamroot but there are probably about 100 other varieties blooming now. It is a 2900 foot elevation gain to the top if you want a good work out. I bet there will be a lot of people hiking that trail tomorrow as it is most beautiful.

Here is a good web site with the trail description, map and photos: http://www.nwhiker.com/CGNSAHike48.html

[PortlandDad]

Beautiful weekend going on. Was out and about yesterday and took the kids to see Star Trek. It was good, but not great. I would recommend it if you are like good action movies, but I'm a real trekkie at heart so there are a few things I can't swallow without some indigestion.

Anyway, I spoke for about an hour with my MIL yesterday. First time in a few weeks actually. We talked about the W and what she is up to and how all that dreck is going. I asked her if she knew anything about her getting her German citizenship back and she told me that she didn't until I wrote her the e-mail where I asked about it, and she confronted the W with it and she confessed that she did get it back. I asked her how she was able to get it back so quickly: the last time I helped the W investigate it, it was going to take 4 years and proof of income. She told me that they gave her some sort of fast-track treatment because she had lived there for 18 years and was going to school at the time. *sigh* yet another bad decision that she made while she was in WAS mode.

Since Germany won't allow dual-citizenship anymore, that means that she had to renounce her American citizenship. Her mom says that she thinks she still has her American passwort, but doesn't believe that she can enter the country with it. I asked her if she thought that the W was still making arrangements to come back, and she told me that she did think so. The W has been packing and doing a lot of preparation work to move. She is having trouble getting rid of her car because she doesn't even have the title; my MIL had to co-sign for it and that is why she had to come out of retirement to help pay for her car!

On top of that, IF she comes back she is going to need a green card again or she will be an illegal alien her in the US. She also won't be able to work here until she gets the green card. Man, she has made an absolute mess of this. Apparently she is wading into that mess right now, but she hasn't deigned to let me in on how that is going or what help she needs from me to make this happen.