In the beginning my children were afraid to ask their father for anything for fear of further abandonment. I encouraged them to ask for what they wanted and if he said no or treated them differently for asking, so be it. They learned to cope with it. Counseling has helped. As much as you want to protect your children, you can't. I think it is better for them to know the truth now than find out later. Your son is 18, old enough to deal with this. If he is having problems, get him counseling. It is hard for us to help them sometimes because we are hurting ourselves. It helps to have an unbiased third person to get perspective on the situation. I have made mistakes like others here. Hopefully we can impart our experiences to prevent you from making the same mistakes. This board is invaluable.
One other thing about mlcers and wahs, it doesn't really matter the whys and hows, the reality is that you are on your own and need to make the best of what you have been left with. That is not going to change no matter how much you analyze the situation. It is a waste of time. The more you live for yourself and your son, the better you feel about yourself, the more attractive you become. We have an opportunity to grow and become better each day. We have hit rock bottom and are on our way up, stronger than before. It takes a long time to realize this (for me longer than most), but you will realize it too.
Let me ask you this.. You said you hope that he contacts you and wants to be friends. Would you "pick" a friend that behaved like your xh does? I doubt it. Keep moving along, girl.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
Let me ask you this.. You said you hope that he contacts you and wants to be friends. Would you "pick" a friend that behaved like your xh does? I doubt it. Keep moving along, girl.
SoConfused, I cant imagine, right now, not ever being able to communicate with him. I am thinking of my son mostly. I dont want his mom and dad to be strangers. I am better than that, I can fake whatever until it stops becoming fake. I will do this for my son. If that includes ow than so be it, I will NOT fight anymore. I tell my son all the time that I still love his dad and that his dad is a good man, its just something he has to go through. BUT I also tell him that it is wrong to committ adultry and he already knew that of course, but I felt the need to tell him. I want my son to know I am doing everything I can and did everything I can to save our family.
Guys today someone one was telling me that my xh has to have it his way and I told them he said "I was dead to him". Their advice was to treat him the same. If you are dead to him, then he is dead to you. What is your opinion on this?
Today my xh and ow came into my place of work. He has been doing this lately. It bothers me but I havent said anything. I really wish he would respect me more than that but he doesnt. Someone mentioned to me to get a restraining order against him so he could not do this. I dont want to have to do that because I am opening up a bad can of worms when I do. At the same time, I dont want to look at them, I am NOT READY to look at them as a couple. What should I do? Should I just suck it up and smile? I really dont know how to deal with this. Please, I need your advice.
Renee, Your place fo work is open to the public and there's no law that will change that unless he's violent towards you. Restraining orders are for those who fear for their lives, i.e., your xh hasn't threatened you has he? Don't go borrowing trouble. Stop listening to others...that someone is hoping that you'll up the drama so that they have something to talk about and are hoping that you'll do it for their entertainment and gossip. You are far better than that....
Leave it alone...if your paths cross, speak and continue doing whatever it is you are doing. You live in a small town and sooner or later you will be bumping into them. Don't give the folks fodder for gossip.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Renee, I didn't mean to fight with him or be rude to him. I simply meant maybe you should stop wishing he will want to be your friend. All of the wishing in the world will not make that happen. If he says you are dead to him, I would consider that a pretty strong indicator that he does NOT want to be friends with you. Stop wishing, and just live.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
Renee, Your place fo work is open to the public and there's no law that will change that unless he's violent towards you. Restraining orders are for those who fear for their lives, i.e., your xh hasn't threatened you has he? Don't go borrowing trouble. Stop listening to others...that someone is hoping that you'll up the drama so that they have something to talk about and are hoping that you'll do it for their entertainment and gossip. You are far better than that....
Leave it alone...if your paths cross, speak and continue doing whatever it is you are doing. You live in a small town and sooner or later you will be bumping into them. Don't give the folks fodder for gossip.
Thank you Snodderly. I must be learning something, I was thinking along the same line as you but just wanted to hear your opinion. However, I do NOT think I am ready to see them in public. I will try and be brave, its gonna be hard though.
Renee, I didn't mean to fight with him or be rude to him. I simply meant maybe you should stop wishing he will want to be your friend. All of the wishing in the world will not make that happen. If he says you are dead to him, I would consider that a pretty strong indicator that he does NOT want to be friends with you. Stop wishing, and just live.
Something else to be surprised about. Although I dont know why I am still not expecting anything to happen. Yesterday my xh told my son he bought his ow a new puppy for mothers day. This would not be a big deal except my xh NEVER like animals, especially in the house. He has changed soooooo much. This just proves how much he is crazy about her I guess. Why do they go ALL OUT for ow? I know, more questions, sorry I was just thinking out loud.
Also I found out that my xh has been talking about me to other people. Saying things like, I am crazy and he had to get an protection order against me. Why cant he just let it go. I am in know way bothering him. How can I stop all the gossip and rumors he is spreading? What would you all do? I have stopped all the craziness but he is still bringing it up to people. How do I address this?
Also he has been bragging about ow, how she looks and so forth. He is showing her off like a trophy. Do they do this? I know that you all have told me not to listen to what anyone has to say about him, but we live in a small town where gossip is stirred. My xh and I are well known, therefore people talk. Obviously I cant shut up everybody I come across.
Something else that bothers me and I cant help it, is my xh has been bragging about all the girls he has went out with. Some people say he is crazy. They say he brags about everyone and claims to have had many women. I wonder if ow knows this? This is a side of him I would have never expected. Why would he say these things knowing it would get back to me? Guys this is not the h I knew. It's like he is trying to be all big for others. Like he is trying to prove something. Crazy! He is saying this stuff to some YOUNG guys that work out at the gym with him. They tell me, I dont even have to ask. They laugh behind is back. I sorta feel sorry for him. People are making fun of him.
