Newly separated...spouse left, 3rd thread

[song]

Wow, another absolutely inspiring post from Sandi. Antlers, God doesn't necessarily speak directly to your ears, he often speaks through others. I think the post above is an example of Him speaking to many through one person.

God bless you Sandi. I certainly feel blessed by your presence here.

[antlers]

Hi CityGirl.

Being in survival mode has gotten me this far. When this first happened, I was devastated to say the least. I didn't know how I was gonna make it. I really didn't even know if I was gonna be able to carry on normal activities of daily living. Work was almost impossible to do. I have made it this far. I'm doing great at work. Activities of daily living are automatic now, taking care of the kids too. I'm so far better now than I was back in February and March, and I continue to do better. You've been at this for a long time. I haven't. These may be baby steps, but they are steps nonetheless. I'm more detatched now than I was in the past, and I want to continue to improve in this area. I am better now, and will continue to get better with this. More baby steps. I don't obsess/think about her as much...a noted improvement. I'll continue here too. There still is some limbo here, no doubt. But I'll get there.

It seems to me that the biggest part of Db'n is 'busting your divorce'! That includes rebuilding your life. I'm doing it...baby stepping it all the way so far. I want to be OK, either way. That doesn't change the fact that I still have a preference.

Yeah...I have. Maybe not as much as I should, but again, I'm taking baby steps. You have been at this much longer than me. I'm a newbie, and I'm learning. I still have hope. Do you think I should give that up? Yep, she's done all of those things. That's the reality. I know it. A divorce would look worse! Another person in her life would look worse! I'm scared of a divorce CityGirl. I don't want it. I know it's out of my hands, but that's how I feel. Divorce papers would change quite a bit. We would both then be free to date others, our finances would be affected, etc. I'm doing the best I can right now, and regardless, I've made progress.

I really want to get to where I don't think about her anymore; and I want to get to where what she says or does doesn't bother me. I'll get there too. Baby steps, but steps nonetheless. I don't want to 'react'.

I'm sorry that your situation is what it is right now. You are a tough lady though, and you help other people here, including me. Thanks. I want to get to where I shrug my shoulders and say OK, and I will.

I had to do some changing regardless of anything else. I am. I'm doing it because it needed to be done. Wish I had done them sooner...much sooner. I'm doing it for me, and for those I care about. Actions speak louder than words...we'll see.

I enjoy talking to you, and I appreciate you. I hope thing get much better for you too. TTYL.


antlers

[antlers]

Dear Antlers,

“I continue to ask Him to help heal our marriage, and to help her heal. Some think it's selfish, some don't. I don't know.”

I will never believe it is selfish to ask for healing for her or the M when the Bible teaches us to pray for one another. Also, based on His Word, we know that it is His will that people stay M, but everyone does not do God’s will. If they did, then all would believe in Christ and be saved……but some choose not to, so His will is not done. It is that personal choice He gave mankind.

“Do you really think Satan is involved”

I’m sure you are referring to the statement I made about the “enemy”. I started to use the word or name Satan, but you never know exactly how the other person might react to some things, so I tried to be careful. But to answer your question and to expound on what I meant by the enemy…….let me try to state it like this. First, we know that it is God’s will for people’s M’s to work out. However, I might add that all M’s are not good and some people in abusive R’s have to D, but we will not include that scenario at this time. Secondly, whatever God is “for”……His enemy (Satan) is against. The way Satan can be in something (as you put it) is when a person is not living in obedience to God. So, don’t you feel that your wife is not living in obedience to God? Therefore, she can be “influenced” by the temptations, etc. of the enemy. We all can. But, as Believers, we don’t “have” to be influenced by evil and we have the promises of the Bible to carry us through any crises we face. It is great that you can pray “for” her and if she is a Believer, you can even ask that the Holy spirit convicts her heart or that somebody will say something or she will see something………that “something” may cause her to open her eyes and her heart to the will of God. However, be careful what you pray for. I would tell you never to pray, “Whatever it takes, please bring my wife back home to me.” That could be a very dangerous prayer b/c we don’t know to what extent it would take to bring her back home to you--and would you really be ready to accept “anything” in order for her to come back? In other words, the price may be too high. Do you know what I mean? BTW, I can't remember who said it, but I agree with using God like a genie or Santa Clause. He is not a "wish book". (Not that you were doing that, but just throwing that in...free of charge.) We could really get into some deep doctrine here, but I will not continue right now. However, I will always try to answer what you ask……as best as I can.

“I'm also praying to know His will for me, and for strength and guidance to do his will.”

Do you want to know how we are to know God’s will for our lives? Read His Word. We learn what His will for our lives are in His written word. I believe when we do our best to follow what is in His word, then He will also reveal to us His will regarding more intimate matters in our life.

“I want God to help me. I've been asking for His help regarding this matter for 5 months, and a lot of the time, I've felt that nobody was on the other end! That shook me even more! I feel like I have been willing...and I want God to do great things in and through me. It just hasn't happened yet. I'm ready for it to happen. Is it because I'm not willing enough yet, or what?”

I know that feeling very well. As a young Christian, I had a lot of emotions and strong “feelings” in the worship services and I could “feel” the leading of the Holy Spirit in matters. But, as I grew older and grew in spirituality……I discovered that those “feelings” I had years ago did not come so often. Like you, I wondered why? I learned that is what “faith” is all about. Did you realize that while we live here on earth is the only time we will have the opportunity to use our faith? We won’t need it in heaven! So, my next question is……what causes opportunities to make us use our faith? The answer is problems…….trouble……crises, etc. If we never had a problem……would there be a need for faith as a Christian? Don’t think so. You are being given a lot of opportunities to use your faith. The enemy will use discouragement as his number one tool against the Believer. If he can make you think that God is not listening to you or doing anything to help you, then you might as will give up. But, God is listening. Maybe He just wants you to see what He has already given you. How do you find that out? Look in His word. For example, look up Roman 8:28, Philippians 4:11, 13……just as a couple of scriptures to look at for encouragement. Those are His promises to you, Antlers, and you have to believe (faith) and act as if He has already worked everything together for your good. B/c He has! If you act as if you believe, then you will stop fretting and making yourself sick.

“I want her to be protected and well. I know that I hurt her, a lot, over the years. It's doubtful that she'll ever forgive me “

It was not you, sweetie, that I was talking about praying for her protection. I always pray for protection over my family………but especially any that are not living in the will of God.
As for the forgiveness from her.....love conquers all. Give it a lot of time. Give God time. His time is not our time and His ways are not our ways. That is why we get very frustrated with Him (lol). He doesn’t do things like we want done or in the time we want it done.

“I've really wanted to feel much more from God during this time than I have. My faith was really shaken, early on, when all of this began.”

Like I said, it is “easy” when we get to “feel” things from God. The test is when there are no feelings and we have to use our faith. Your faith was shaken and now it is being tested. Don’t fail the test………use your faith.

In response to my getting some emotion off my own chest over the “vows” statements, you ended by saying:

“And I regret it daily. The regret and remorse, especially now that I know better, are very heavy weights for me to carry around. I don't really know how to drop these weights either! “

There is another scripture or two that I think you should know. One is about casting our cares upon Him, for He cares for us. I think there is another one about leaving our burdens at the feet of Jesus. Well, I could talk for hours about leaving burdens at His feet and then picking them back up and continuing to carry them around with us. However, I won’t do that to you!

After I repented of my EA and was back in God’s forgiveness, I was having a terrible time forgiving myself. I still do at times. But, He does not want us to continue to live in a constant state of guilt and self blame b/c we cannot grow and He can’t use us productively. He wants our best. He wants us to be happy! How can we be if we beat ourselves up every waking minute?

I probably over reacted to what you said about the wedding vows. I have just heard it so many times from LBH’s use that as the wimpy excuse of not taking any responsibility. It is a pet peeve with me……as you clearly saw. You are correct when you say that both of you are guilty of breaking the wedding vows. I think in “most” cases (not all) both people are guilty of breaking part of those vows taken, but the problem is when one of those people don’t see where they did anything wrong. I appreciate you bringing out the part about not cherishing her b/c that is just as much a part of the vows as the fidelity.

“As hard as it is, and as sad as it is...I have to go on. I don't want it to be that way. But I have to learn to live with this, and be stronger and more knowledgeable. I want so much to be happy and strong. I want to love and enjoy our kids, and I want them to love and enjoy me. I'm so sorry this happened. I was just wrong about so many things. But I am different now. Like I said...I'm not there yet, but I want to be.”

I agree with all that you said in your post about the WAW. It also made me feel so sad for you when I read the end of your post and this last part. But, Antlers, you will get there! You are looking at things through clearer eyes and you understand better now. Yes, we all wished we knew “then” what we know now. But your life is far from being over. Whatever God has in store for you, it will be good. It may not be what you were expecting, but it will be good……as long as you are living for Him.

I don’t usually tell this story, but I will since I blew my top last time.

My mother married a man when she was just a young teenager and before she graduated school. He was awful and the M was horrible. I won’t go into details, but she finally D him and went back home and finished her education. Later, she M another man. A couple of years later, I was born. Our family was not wealthy in money, but we had so much love and most of all we had God’s blessings. So, I get riled up when some people talk about marriage, divorce, and remarriages. I know everyone has a right to their own beliefs and opinions. I am not here to argue any of that. I only know that people can make mistakes, just like a young teenage girl that let some other young people talk her into marrying a man that was not who she should be with. Yes, God wants us to stay married, but when we mess up and marry a bad person or that person divorces us, then it is my personal belief that God will give us another chance at happiness. I realize that a lot of people believe that divorce is a sin. I do not believe it is an unforgiveable sin! I do believe with all my heart………no, I KNOW WITH ALL MY HEART that my family was blessed. I could tell you much, much more about that, but there is really no need to try to “prove” my point.
I suppose I wanted to tell you that b/c you sound so sad and as if you feel life is over for you. I know you still love your wife. I understand that you want her to be a part of your life. Hopefully and prayerfully that will happen. But what I’m trying to say is that there is always a future, Antlers. God is a God of hope. He is also Love. I know my mother’s stitch with her first H was quite different, but I just wanted you to know that if there had never been a future for her with any other man.....I would never have been born! Then look what you would have missed! (LOL!)

Thank you for your kind words of love.

Take care of yourself,
Sandi

Hi Sandi.

I tend to agree. I do pray for healing for her, and healing for the marriage. I believe that God wants us to stay married.

I don't feel that she is living in obediance to God's will. But in the past, I wasn't living in obediance to God's will either...if I were, I would have honored, loved, and cherished her like I promised I would. I do pray that the Holy Spirit convicts her heart causing her to open her eyes and heart to the will of God.

I ask that God will shine His light upon me, and show me my life in a more promising light.

I never looked at it that way. He would use discouragement against us!

I'd give her, and God, all the time necessary. But she told me "I'm not gonna keep on hanging on to this!" It hurt.

I just want to feel something other than what I've been feeling....something good for a change.

It would be nice if we mcould leave 'em there, but it seems like we always want to pick 'em up again!

I hadn't thought about it that way either. It's just hard to do...to forgive yourself.

I knew where you were coming from Sandi. I feel bad about this whole darn deal...especially my screw-ups.

It just feels like it's over, the one I wanted anyway. Feels like I'll be alone forever.

I appreciate your words of encouragement Sandi. I'll keep baby-stepping, DB'n the best I can, working on myself, and praying.


muchas gracias!


antlers

[antlers]

I just saw this on another post and thought it was dead-on:

"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare."
-Mark Twain




Good stuff!

[Tia]

Hi Antlers -

At my church, I was taught that a marriage takes three: two individuals and God. I know your prayers are being heard. Just keep up the faith.

As for the Five Love Languages, the author is Dr. Gary Chapman. It's a must read.

I'm rooting for you!

Keep D'bn!
/Tia

[antlers]

Wow, another absolutely inspiring post from Sandi. Antlers, God doesn't necessarily speak directly to your ears, he often speaks through others. I think the post above is an example of Him speaking to many through one person.

God bless you Sandi. I certainly feel blessed by your presence here.

Thanks song. I just want to feel more than what I have, and do, from God.

[antlers]

Hi Antlers -

At my church, I was taught that a marriage takes three: two individuals and God. I know your prayers are being heard. Just keep up the faith.

As for the Five Love Languages, the author is Dr. Gary Chapman. It's a must read.

I'm rooting for you!

Keep D'bn!
/Tia

I want God to be involved. I think He wants to. The only person who doesn't want to be involved is her. I hope my prayers are being heard. Thanks.

Thanks for the support.

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

Antlers--

Just remember, though. God hates divorce. that gives you the advantage of 2-1 out of those three people wanting the marriage to succeed. Keep praying, my friend. Be still and know that he is God. My DH told our 9 y/o that he is not coming home. Know what she told me? "Daddy doesn't know that God is on control, not him." Have faith. Faith is walking in hope and belief. Coach is dead on with the Stockdale Paradox.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

[antlers]

Incidentally, she sent me the following text Friday evening, as it was my time to have our kids again..."Not that I'm wanting to get rid of them but what time do you want me to bring the kids over?"

My response text..."8:30."


How was that for keeping it short and to the point?

[antlers]

Antlers--

Just remember, though. God hates divorce. that gives you the advantage of 2-1 out of those three people wanting the marriage to succeed. Keep praying, my friend. Be still and know that he is God. My DH told our 9 y/o that he is not coming home. Know what she told me? "Daddy doesn't know that God is on control, not him." Have faith. Faith is walking in hope and belief. Coach is dead on with the Stockdale Paradox.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

Hi SMW.

I know that God hates divorce. I never have thought of it that way...that out of the three people it takes for a marriage to succeed, my spouse, myself, and God...that there is a 2 to 1 advantage there! Wow! Thanks for that reminder. I just don't want to have any false hopes, and I know that God has given her a free will. I will keep praying. It's hard , with all of the emotional suffering, to 'be still and know that He is God'. I want to walk in faith, and have hope and belief...I just don't want to have false hopes. Yeah...Coach is dead-on about all the things he posts here.

Thank you for stopping by and sharing...please continue. I read your thread too, and I'll continue to have good thoughts for you.


antlers