Setting Boundaries for MLC Alien H

[kjensen]

Hi IL,
Happy Mother's Day! Just caught up on your thread. A few thoughts..Setting a boundary of knowing when a PA happens probably won't get you the result you want- your H most likely will not tell you(MLCers get very comfortable lying) and if you found out later and he Didn't tell you, then you'd count it as one more lie...

Don't assume that once H's physical contact with you stops that he is no longer conflicted. My H still hugs me periodically/rarely but no other contact really and is still very much conflicted(I think).

My H and I told or girls together that H was moving out. Actually H told them while I sat there b/c I didn't want him to move out, I didn't want to be a hypocrite and say WE decided H was going to move out. I felt he should be the one to tell them of his decision. BTW, they had already both figured out that something was wrong/up..kids do pick up on stuff no matter how careful you think you are around them. But I think it was good we were both there, telling them nothing change how we felt about them...

Try not to snoop. It took me awhile and I still do very slight snooping(what websites he's visiting)..My snooping caused a lot of anger in my H. Once you know what you know (about the OW/EA)...the rest is just compulsive feeding the fire.. Even though a MLCer is NOT trustworthy-they don't like to think they aren't trustworthy-so it seems to me that things that make reality clash with their 'perception of reality' tend to cause anger and upset.

If your H is paying for things and you don't see a record-he may have another credit card or account-just a thought.

You seem on target with our thoughts on how to communicate your committment to your marriage-show(consistently), don't tell. Be supportive, no expectations, as lovingly detached as possible.

You are doing well!