Hey K... I know you are mad at him alot now, but then you said...
Originally Posted By: Kalni
He repeates and waits for my nodd "they arranged it, son and nephew". I am astonished again by the fact that he used the kids as if he couldnt say no, as if he he couldnt avoit it but making it clear it wasnt his suggestion. He is weak, lost, stubborn and VERY selfish.
fb2, you say clear communication. It's very hard to establish communication with a man that cant voice his thoughts, his wishes, his needs. He only voices his anger ... I may leave the house when he comes. Just to make a clear statement this isnt what I like.
...but, you dont clearly communicate with him? (or not anymore). You dont phone him. When he phones you, you told me you dont ask him how he is/what he has been up to etc, because you dont want to know, or why should you, so its all just about the kids. Then it seems you are NOT happy about the nephew/son arrangement, but you said you nodded.. so why did you nod agreement if you arent happy? Why didnt you go inside and say so? Why didnt you tell him honestly, how you felt?
You say he cant voice his thoughts and wishes and yet you say you will leave the house as a "clear statement".. but is silently walking out a clear statement? He may assume you have gone to a gf's or for groceries! Jody the db coach explained that this type of action (walking out to avoid talking) is a form of cold anger. Would it be better to speak to him instead? TELL HIM in a calm way, H, I am not happy with this arrangement. I dont want you to come by with your nephew. I asked you to talk and we cant talk with your nephew there. Please change the plan and tell Nikolas that he cant play with your Nephew on Sunday, I'd really like to see you alone so that we can have chance to talk to one another?
???
what do you think? Or..if you're done.. you're done, cant argue with that sunbeam!!
I so agree with Ali. Men surprisingly aren't any better at reading minds than we are. We think they should know how we feel, why we are angry but if we don't seem to do very well about explaining it. I used to get mad that ex wouldn't just help me with family dinners. I would angrily ask him to do something, after 19 years, he didn't get it. Maybe I would have had better luck reminding him a day or two before I got crazy, that I would be needing his help doing x,y,z. Problem solved. I never really got there before the marriage ended.
Please don't get upset but take a moment and step back and think about it. Even if this doesn't make a difference in the marriage, it may make a difference in how you treat each other as time goes on.
Happy Mother's Day!
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Talking to a wall and not talking are just as effective from my point of view. As long as you are still his wife, why doesn't he give you half his income? There's a topic for discussion. Arguing about love is useless.
Wow Sara, that's an idea!!! Girls, fb2, he told me he was coming over with his nephew while I was in the car, leaning in from the window, with both kids watching us in the back seat. If I said anything about not wanting his nephew to come over, my kids wouldnt get it. He is their favourite cousin.
Also, talking would have to be arranged at another time, NOT during his time with the kids. I was upset he used the kids in a way I couldnt respond regrading him coming over. This weekend was again arranged according to his work schedule. I had to drive across the city to take the kids back after they had been only for 4 hours with him and today, we'll be stuck in the house cause he doesnt really like going outside with the kids.
Also, I really dont enjoy being in a house with him when we dont talk, or interact in any way. Too much damage done and I am tired, cant deal with it.
I dont know how people do it and reconcile after years of separation. I guess, in my case the fact is that H said he wanted back but didnt really mean it.
Happy mother's day!! My kids made me cry this morning. They are so sweet. Cant believe I am so important to them... Weird. I have kids. How did I do that? I feel a kid myself sometimes. They are my life. K
"I had to drive across the city to take the kids back after they had been only for 4 hours with him and today ..." K, I'm wondering why you agreed to do this drive across town - to me it seems to enable a situation you trying to change. What I've learned is to establish good communication you also need to set some boundaries but perhaps I've missed something.
Happy Mothers Day Maria, ours has been and gone. Our children continually suprize us,dont they.
I continually wonder what I did to deserve such kind,loving,clever and beautiful children and I am loving being a grandma! the best of both worlds. Not to sound dramatic but I do believe my children(all grown up now) are the reason I kept on living. Now just enjoy being their mum. I am sure you so deserve all the joy and happiness they bring. At least we can thank our H's for "half" of them.
fb2, because id I didnt, they would stay in his sister's house and honestly I dont feel comfortable with that since theyhave issues in their home, plus her on son is 18 and is teaching things I dont really like. I prefer to have them with me if they are not with their dad. K
H came over without his nephew (his sister had other plans) and brought me flowers and a gift (bath stuff, bubble bath etc).
I thanked him and he kissed me (on my cheek, was going for the forehead).
Later my D asked him to hold me down so she can tickle me and he did and while she was tickling me he hugged me tight and sighed and was kissing my head. That felt weird casue for more than 2 weeks we are on "divorce mode".
I stayed in bed because my back is hurting a lot today. I took the kids to a party this morning and it was too much for me it seems. BTW, my present to the Birhthday girl was a painting and her mom was very touched because she said it was so special and showed it to all the moms of the party and everybody seemed very impressed (!!!). Some of them asked me about delivery times.
Now H is gone with the kids for a walk but I couldnt go. I dont know if we will have time to talk tonight, we'll see. K
