I'm actually stressing about something else that has happened. Something not so good. I can't discuss it on here. It sucks but it's my own damn fault and I will get through it.
I am a bit affraid of what she may try if she finds out.
Don't stress over anything. There is nothing you can do that can cause her to try anything. You are your own person now.
I'm here if you need to talk. You have my email and you have helped me enough. If you still have my phone number and need a womans point of view, call me.
I have no idea why, but for about three or four days I did a ton of reflecting. I looked back on everything. From our relationship and marriage to my childhood and hers. It actually scared me at first. It almost seemed like I was headed backwards. Now I feel like it had to take place in order to move forward. Has anyone else had this experience???
It's kind of like this had to happen. I don't know why. I don't think I've thought so much about all this since the bomb. I reviewed everything the good the bad.....everything. This time though, I looked at it all with a brand new pair of eyes and outlook.
What I thought we had in some ways we never did. Dont get me wrong. I'm not in anyway saying it was bad, it just wasn't what I thought. It's like there always had been something missing on a deep level. I noticed this throughout, however I accepted our differences and loved her for who she is. I always felt like I had more invested and a little something was missing, but she was and still is a good person. She just has issues that she never asked for or deserved.
After looking back, I see this whole crisis thing for what it truly is. I have to say that I'm a bit fascinated by it and also sad for people that have to go through it. I've seen a few questions lately regarding if our spouses were just always this way. I can honestly say that mine was not. She was very loving in the way she knew how.
She is just flawed. Don't get me wrong I am so far from perfect. I guess what I'm trying to say is that she never learned how to cope, communicate, love, and accept......and now, she is going to school on all that the hard way. I don't have much anger or negativity any more. Now I simply shake my head and pray for her. I really don't think she can help all this.
I know without a doubt now certain people do go through some sort of a crisis and it does sometimes resemble the perfect storm if you will. The one single most important ingredient I feel is the person's childhood.
Me personally, I don't feel like this is over. I've had the chance to witness a few other people go through a crisis. One being my mother. I have also spoke to a few other people that unknowingly went through this as well.
Hell, my nextdoor neighbor's ex went through this. It lasted for a little over two years. One day he received a call from his daughter saying that his ex had had some sort of a "nervous breakdown." This was about the time I moved in here. I clearly remember his ex coming around his house almost everyday. He said she did ask for another chance. He said no. I do believe that most do return to planet earth. Now what they do from that point is a big question mark. Some do ask for another chance, others are so ashamed that can't imagine how to come back. Then there are the few ( very few I believe) that are lifers. They will always be miserable.
Like I said before, after all this reflection and processing I've done lately, there is no doubt that my ex is in a crisis. How will she turn out?? Who the hell knows??
So where does that leave me?? Well I have been given this opportunity (although a very painful one) to learn more about myself and others, and to grow personally and spiritually. I must keep moving forward. I have so much to be thankful for. This whole thing called life absolutely amazes me every day. We went through this for some very good reasons.
Forward is the magic word, if some amazing person happens to cross my path than so be it. I'm not ready for that yet, but it could very well happen some day. I do feel however I still need to be open to the possibilty that some day. She could very well awaken. Will it happen? What will I do?? When will it happen?? Where will I be??
I trust in God. So....only he knows, but if I follow the right path, everything will happen in HIS perfect way.
It actually scared me at first. It almost seemed like I was headed backwards. Now I feel like it had to take place in order to move forward. Has anyone else had this experience???
I think it takes time and strength for this kind of introspection. It's hard to see that things were not necessarily what we thought or wanted to believe.
You sound like it was really a good thing and it came (as always) at the right time.
