WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 8

[PMA_Baby!]

This is to be expected. No one likes having their cake taken away. Just be friendly and validating. The fog is thining. Hold the line...

PMA

[confusedinpa]

I do think I've been colder than I thought I was. I think I got carried away with the Dark/Dim when we are together.
I've gotten caught up in the whole debate of being her short term security blanket.

We're going to a baseball game tomorrow nite where my 7 year old is throwing out a pitch. So I will try to be "attractive" while we're together. When we're apart I'll have to go back to Dark/Dim

It's so confusing trying to keep flip/flopping back and forth

[futureunknown]

It's so confusing trying to keep flip/flopping back and forth

Wow, I sure can relate to that! It's hard to balance dark/dim with still being happy, positive, and fun when I'm with my W.

[Coach]

It's so confusing trying to keep flip/flopping back and forth

When you are around her be the best CIPA you can. When you are apart be mysterious.

I think you should only go out with her if it is just the two of you. I think it is confusing to the kids if Mom and Dad are seperated, D papers are filed but we still try to act like everything is normal. Plus you can devote more attention and make it more "date like" if it is just the two of you. I think your W thinks everything will be just like now if you get D. She needs to see how real this is for everybody. You can handle it.

[MrBond]

Interesting convo last night, but not unexpected. The WAS will still blame the LBS for their unhappiness even after they're gone.

This is totally part of the script. My W was just plain angry whenever we would see each other after she left. She would get mad and start taking it out on me, accusing me of things, etc. I finally put my foot down and told her that we are no longer living together, so why is she getting mad at me? I gave her everything she asked for and is still angry. I told her start looking at yourself before you keep getting angry at me. Once I re-asserted myself and showed her I wasn't going to be bouncing around like her puppet, then she stopped and actually got to be much nicer.

That's what you need to do. Tell her you gave her and she's gotten everything she asked for. Yet she is still saying that you don't act the way SHE EXPECTS you to. Tell her again that you love her very much and have shown that you have changed time and time again. Everyone else can see it except for her BECAUSE SHE has an expectation as to how you should act to her.

It's all about control. Our WAS will always say that they left because WE controlled their actions/feelings/emotions, whatever. But once they leave, they become controlling as hell so that we don't even know how to be ourselves around them because it is what they want and not us.

"I answered and she started about how she was very confused. I almost said WTF but let her explain. She said that she doesn't understand what I was doing as she wanted to know if I had changed my mind of wanting to continue to work on the marriage."

Give me a break. You've told her time and time again you want to work on the M. Only she kept telling you she didn't.

"I told her that I still did, but reminded her that since she filed for divorce and left, I'm still trying to figure out what to do as I know I can't work on the marriage by myself.

EXACTLY. You can't work on it alone.

"She said that she felt that I gave up and asked what I was doing out so late on cinco de mayo and who I was with. I told her that I was out and got home late and didn't think I needed to tell her since she had left. She reminded me of what I said about how after she left, I asked her if she was going to just start partying. She said she was offended that I even asked as that was something she had never done nor would have considered. So she wanted to know if that was what I was doing and if I had given up."

She had no right to ask you that. She left...period. You can go out with whomever and wherever you wish. She's not your mother.

"I told her my feelings haven't changed and reminded her that I had told her before she left that this week I had alot of business meetings off site. I didn't tell her before this week because she had left for her space and time."

Too much explaining. You have to learn that you don't have to explain anything.

"She then started saying that if we can't work on a relationship where we are "friends" she doesn't see how she would even consider going out on a date to take our relationship to that level. I told her that when she filed for divorce and left, I thought she wasn't even considering any of that."

Exactly! Are you working on a relationship? I guess no one bothered to tell you. LOL

"So I asked if that had changed. She didn't really answer, but sorta implied that if I was "attractive" to her, she would consider it. Really not sure what that means....."

The only person who can make you attractive to her is ...HERSELF! Big surprise! She expects to be loving towards you once you're "attractive" to her. My W told me the same thing and I told her it was the most ridiculous thing she had ever told me. I told her that after 17 years of being together, her "suddenly" saying I wasn't attractive to her was an insult and stupid. I know I crossed the line with that, but then I told her to really think about what she just said and if it made any sense to her. She actually did.

Your W took away your "attractiveness" in her mind to justify her leaving. All WASs do that. Try not to let that get to you. The only one who can give her your attractiveness back is herself.

"She then said that if it wasn't for the kids, she wouldn't even want to spend anytime with me now with the way I've been treating her. She said it was more of what she had experienced prior to her dropping the bomb and I said that I had changed."

The only one who had changed negatively is her. Her perception is what is changing. You've remained loving and consistent throughout it all.

"I told her that I really didn't know how I was suppose to treat her as I was trying to respect her boundaries since she left. She said that there is still alot of what we could talk about that wouldn't "intrude" on her boundaries."

Oh really? Like what are her boundaries? She's never told you. Plus, she has to respect the fact that you have boundaries too. And one of them is to not be constantly treated like sh*t around her.

"She said that she feels that we are at a point where we are starting over and trying to decide if we should start dating so we should act that way."

No. You act the way you want to act. Not the way she wants you to act. If you keep giving in to her you're setting yourself up for failure because she's going to nitpick and say how you're not doing things the "right" way. i.e. HER way. You are your own man. Do what you want to do. THAT is what it's like when you're first dating. No expectations.

Both a test and BS.

"One of the things that my therapist had suggested was to see if she would make some measurable effort to actually work on the relationship (i.e. go to counseling, on a date, etc.)."

Your W obviously doesn't want to talk about "feelings". She thinks that by "dating" her way, her feelings MIGHT come back. It doesn't work that way.

See what I told you about the emotional rollercoaster never ending? hang in there. Don't let her be the one to control you.

[confusedinpa]

When you are around her be the best CIPA you can. When you are apart be mysterious.

BINGO - that's what I've been doing so wrong. I've been trying to be mysterious all the time, even when we are together!

Where are all the 2x4's?

[confusedinpa]

Your W obviously doesn't want to talk about "feelings". She thinks that by "dating" her way, her feelings MIGHT come back. It doesn't work that way.

See what I told you about the emotional rollercoaster never ending? hang in there. Don't let her be the one to control you.

You know, I really think you are onto something here with what's my wife is expecting. If it doesn't work that way, I'm really in trouble.

She called again tonite. She sent a couple of emails during the day but I didn't answer them. I missed her call but she left a message asking me to call her. Usually, if she calls and doesn't leave a message, I don't call her back.

Anyway, I called her back after about 20-30 minutes and tried to be friendly. She had questions about her IPOD again. I told her what I thought she needed to do and also told her that I burnt her library onto a couple of DVD's as I knew that was what she would need to get working on her new computer. She thanked me and told me she appreciated that.

Then we chatted about going to the baseball game tomorrow where my 7 year old is throwing out a pitch. We talked about logistics and timing. Then she chatted about her day/nite. I let her go on for about a minute or two but when she yawned, I took that as an opportunity to say that it sounded like she was tired, and I was too so I was going to let her go.

So I'm going to see her tomorrow, it will be for a pretty long stint. I must remember to be the best CIPA I can be!

An ironic thing about last nite was that one of my friend (the WAW who left her husband back in Dec that I've been talking to about my situation) sent me an email today (I was at a different plant today) and asked if I was in "trouble" with my wife last nite as she looked upset. I told her briefly what happened and remarked how did she know my wife was upset when I thought everything was fine. I really need to take lessons on reading cues......

Thanks for all your insight and support.

[MrBond]

She's going to have to learn that you don't "fall" in love again.

Like you learned...love is a "choice". They made the choice to not love us anymore so they have to be the ones to make the choice to come back.

That's why the fake it till you make it model works. You make the choice to act a certain way and before you know it, you adapt those actions without even realizing it.

It's the same as our changes. We can say we changed all we want, but once we put it into action and keep them consistent, then we've put our money where our mouth was.

Don't be too concerned about "reading" your W too much. She's expecting you to be a mind reader again.

[confusedinpa]

We/I got home late from the baseball game. It was a pretty good game. We won with a 2 run homerun in the 8th - I was actually worried that it was going to go extra innings as it was almost 11PM by the time the boys got to bed.

I tried to be the best CIPA I could be when I was with her. She met me and the boys at home at 4:30 and we left for the game. She chatted about her day (mostly stuff that she was annoyed about) and I tried to be upbeat, positive and supportive. When we got to the game, we met up with her dad, her sister (who's divorced), her sister's kid, her sister's boyfriend, her cousin (who's 28 and divorced) and her cousin's boyfried (who's mid 40's) and several of her dad's friends and their kids - total of 16 of us.

At first I was going to have the boys sit between us but we wound up sitting next to each other after my oldest and I came back from throwing the opening pitch. It was pretty crowded and she said that I could put my arm around her if it was more comfortable. I did and she wound up resting/nestling up against me. I could see her dad and his wife looked a little surprised. My wife and I continue to chat and when she talked with her dad, I focused on my two boys.

I think we all had a good time. We had a couple of beers and ate hotdogs and fries for dinner. My wife seemed grumpy when she was complaining about her sister (they don't get along at all). She commented about how she was annoyed how her sister and her wasn't close/connected (I almost said, that perhaps she's the issue as that was her complaint about her and I, her and her dad and almost everybody else that was close family). I just acknowledged and validated.

Overally I think it was good evening. When we got back home, she helped put the boys to bed. She stayed and chatted for a couple of minutes before she left for her apartment. I wanted to give her a hug, but I didn't as it didn't seem like she was ready/wanted one. It didn't bother me.

She didn't show up for dodgeball today. I was a little disappointed but I didn't let it bother me. I just played dodge on the sidelines with my youngest as my oldest played. It was a blast. Before dodgeball, the boys and I went minature golfing as it finally stopped raining after almost 10 days straight.

Overall, the boys and I had a good day. I think the 4 of us had a good time last nite at the baseball game.

My wife did call me today as she was still having problems getting her Ipod working with her new computer. I tried to help over the phone, but she couldn't get the DVD's that I gave her with her library on it to read the music files. I said I would try to burn another set for her.

Before the boys went to bed, they made a mom-day card for her.

So it's now 3 weeks. I think my wife and I finally had a nite out where she enjoyed being with me and the boys.

So it continues.....

[confusedinpa]

It was a pretty rough day for me. She picked up the boys to take her to her mom to celebrate Mom's day. Normally I would go with her. I went to church by myself. It was sad to see all the other families and the service was about mothers.

I was teary eyed as I left the service so I went to the gym to work it out. Afterwards I did the yard work. It was almost 3PM by the time I was done and I realized I hadn't eaten anything all day. I ate a late lunch - I almost lost my appetite when I was at the table by myself

I did laundry and cleaned the house to distract me. When it was time for dinner, it was hard. I ate at the table by myself - fighting back the tears. I don't know why it was so hard today

She called at 8 for me to say goodnite to the kids. After the boys got off the phone, she got on and talked about her day. She talked for almost 20 minutes about her day and how frustrated she was about her sister and cousin. I know I should have stopped her sooner but I wanted to hear her voice. I did manage to stay positive and upbeat. She was going to keep going when I hear my oldest ask her a question. I took that opportunity to end the call.

I've got to get a hold of myself and pull myself together

Thanks for reading