OK, I'll jump back in, seeing as thread hijacking isn't a problem with orangedog.
Originally Posted By: robx
What are you doing to get you where you need to be? Have you even started?
My story is laid out in depth on the first page of my first thread, but here is the readers digest condensed version.
My W decided to get an apartment in October 2008. At first, I agreed that we would shift back and forth to minimize impact on our kids, but at the last minute I just couldn't do it and told her I was staying in the house and she would be at the apartment, and the kids would stay at home. She threatened to go to court to have kids go back and forth, so I conceded that they could shift without any legal action.
For 3 months we did that, and then in January, I decided that it was in fact best for the kids to have one home, so I told W that we could do the shifting back and forth. I thought getting her back in the house, at least part of the time, was a pathway toward reconciliation. It's now been 4 1/2 months since the "nesting" and we are no closer to reconciliation, perhaps further apart.
I know I need to move back in to the home full time, but I'm hesitant to do it before kids are out of school, because I don't want to put them through yet another difficult transition right at the end of the school year.
But I hear you loud and clear rob, I am getting a hold of my N.U.T.S, and just making sure my next move is the best move not only for my M, but more importantly for my kids.
I kind of got lost in the summary so correct if I'm wrong, you guys separated, she moved out, you stayed at home, then to get her to come back home, she left her apartment, moved back home and you moved out? And you go back & forth between your apartment and your home? Is this correct?
So how did this change the situation?
Because the kids are staying/living in the same home but you aren't there.
You thought the shifting back & forth was going to affect the kids? What's affecting the kids is the separation and ultimately the divorce if it gets to that.
Move back home, if your wife doesn't like it, too bad. You're not doing this for her, you are doing this for her.
The last part of your post I put in bold, you mentioned doing the best thing for your marriage and your kids but you left out the best and most important part: doing the best thing for you.
You see during a separation, the knee jerk reaction is always for the guy to leave, staying home and having her move out showed you had some self-respect for yourself. If you moved out and now go back & forth between your apartment and home to make it easy on someone, you're doing it for your wife to make it easier on you and she sees that consciously and subconsciously as you trying to do something for her. Yes you can say you did it for the kids as well but there is a component in there that is communicated over as doing something for your wife to make it easier on her, to show her you want to do stuff for her, for her to love you for your sacrifice, etc.
We only love those that respect & love themselves - this is pretty much true of everyone.
If you move back home, don't ask for permission either. Just do it when you're doing it. You don't need her permission to move back home. If you need to communicate to the kids that you're moving back home, do so. If your wife feels like she has to move out, let her - don't control her or her actions. You just control you. Let her doing the shifting back & forth: if it worked when you were doing it, it will work when she does it too. If she complains, argues or gets angry about it, too bad.
At some point, you have to realize that living in limbo isn't doing you or her any favors. You can't force someone to stay, you can't force someone to work on the marriage, they'll do this only if they want to do it.
Just work on fixing you, improving you, making you the best you can be. You do this first for yourself and you do this to make you better, not to achieve getting your wife to love you again. That's not even part of the equation. In the end you have to show your kids that you love & respect yourself very much, kids learn by example even at an early age. It's a hard thing to do but imagine them going through this struggle when they're adults, imaging their spouses treating them poorly and them reacting in a submissive manner and being treated poorly. How do you like that image? Do you want that for your children? Of course not, none of us do. Communicating being submissive to your spouse is what you are teaching them now because you give in to her demands and make life easier for her at your expense. Be a strong man, someone who is loving, loving enough to have alot of self-esteem,self-respect, self-love, self-value, etc. Be someone who loves themselves enough to let go of the people in their life that won't love & respect them properly. It's an important and difficult lesson to learn but it's a requirement.
