I would Not offer to pay more. You have an agreement and if he wants to renegotiate let him ask. He has choices about money and chooses to not spend wisely that is really his problem. Remember don't make his problems your own.
Also examine your motives. Is there a part of you that would be doing it looking for appreciation from him? Most of the time you will be disappointed. They are in selfish mode and don't appreciate things we do.
Good job recognizing you have to celebrate the positives. Small steps are what it is all about. I have been reminded so many times by people on this board to believe anything they say and only 1/2 of what they do.
Me-38 W-44 D8 & D6 together '95, Wed '97, Bomb 11/18/08 Still in same house
Actually thinking back, if I were to look at it from the 180 perspective then the opposite of what I used to do, would be to not help out or try to sort out his finances at all.
He is so bad about managing his money that in the past he has of his own free will come to me and asked me to take and keep hold of his atm and bank cards so he would just have a set amount of cash for the week/month. So I always ended up managing all the money and just let him know how things were going. He never opened any bills or bank statements, I would. So no wonder he has no idea of how to manage his money, he never had to do it!
Right, don't make his problems mine. I need to remember that. I would probably be looking for some appreciation you're right but also it would be bc I feel guilty. Need to work on not feeling guilty that he is paying for my living costs, it was his choice to go after all (and he has only agreed to pay til July). Ok, letting go.
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
Today is OW's bday so am feeling pretty crappy about it. H told me he got her a present, a picture frame. (don't know why he felt the need to tell me what he got her). It seems more thoughtful than what he got me (a gift voucher). I am pretty sure he will spend the evening celebrating with her, don't know if its a party or just the 2 of them. That makes me sick.
I have plans to meet up with a few friends at one of their houses and have a girls night. Probably nothing too crazy but glad to be out of house and not on my own thinking about it.
He still feels he is doing nothing wrong bc we are separated.
How do others deal with seeing spouse and not talking about the obvious, the OW? It feels so unnatural, like we are pretending that we both don't know what is happening?
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
For a long time I didn't do good not talking about it at all. I would say sarcastic things all the time. Now I have promised myself not to ever mention her name and ignore any references to her. It is very hard when something comes up that is obviously about the OW - a trip planned or something and it is a constant struggle. I always hated rising to the bait and I beat myself up less since I can keep my mouth shut.
How was your girls night out?
Me-38 W-44 D8 & D6 together '95, Wed '97, Bomb 11/18/08 Still in same house
hopefulinEG, Yeh I find it hard to not ask questions about her. I don't even know what the situation is for sure, if they are seeing each other or not. I feel like I need to know and want to ask but haven't said anything this week. It would be nice to know what I'm dealing with but I have no way to know without asking. I don't know if I should keep it friendly with H or just not talk to him.
Had a girls night IN actually. It went good. I had fun and it was really relaxing. Had lots of pizza and chocolate yum. And watched some funny shows and laughed and chatted a lot.
Today I did housework and went out shopping in my town. It's my nephew's bday next week and I was looking for some deals so I could send him a little bday pack since I live so far away I won't get to see him. He loves getting mail. Should of gone to gym too but didn't manage.
Tomorrow I'm making dinner for a friend and we are going to look at trip planning as we are both considering doing some traveling next year. I would love to go away for a couple months and see some new places. This is something I've always wanted to do but felt I couldn't bc of being in long term relationship and married. So I figure if I'm going to do something big for me this would be it.
Also really have to do some grad study homework, time is running out and can't get motivated at all to do the work and then when I try can't concentrate. So this is my big goal for the week. I have a presentation on Thursday and am worried!
So that's how my GAL is going. Still could do more but I am waiting to make any new commitments until all my grad work is handed in as I have a heavy 6 weeks ahead of me.
I have to decide about my living situation by July. H is paying rent until July and I can't afford this place on my own(well I could just barely but would have nothing left over each month) so its not all that realistic to stay here. I wish I could just make him keep paying bc I don't like the idea of moving!
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
I am glad the weekend is over now and I'll be back busy at work tomorrow. It has been a hard weekend and I have been feeling pretty down but trying not to dwell on it.
I feel like I have 2 options regarding H. I can either stay friendly and try to build from there OR just go dark again and not contact him or be available. I don't know which way to go or if there is a better option. I feel like I need to know more about what H is doing, is he with OW or not? But then I also keep thinking I can't base my decisions on what H is or isn't doing.
I have been thinking more about doing the coaching. It is a lot of money for me so I don't know if I can afford it. I feel like I need to do something tho bc I am getting lost in everything and don't know where to go next with my sitch.
I was also talking to a friend about some counseling tonight. She really recommends it as it helped her in the past. I just don't know who to go with. I am having trouble finding someone in my area and can only find person centred counselors and don't know if this is right for me.
Is it worth discussing the OW issue with H again at this point to see if he's made any decisions? Or is it better leaving it for the time being? I wish I had some answers.
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
Ok so it was good getting back into my work week this morning, ha its not often that people actually look forward to work rather than the weekend, but oh well. Then went to the gym after work and ran my frustrations out. I am thinking I need to book in a back massage and a hair cut in the next couple weeks.
Still want to call H, but haven't yet and don't know if I should.
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
Thanks for checking up on me. I am just being quiet, reading threads, reading success stories. As someone so eloquently labeled their post I am trying to stay on the smooth road, so to speak. I was way behind on work projects so I have also been very busy this past week.
IF YOU HAVE NOT CALLED YOUR H YET, DON'T. Sorry for shouting but DON'T. It gets easier with time. Trust me. You need to get to a point where you stop obssessing about what he is doing and who he is with.Not easy, but you can do it! Focus on your grad work. Focus on you.
What makes you an utterly fantastic person that any man would be proud to claim as his wife? Remind yourself of your worth. We are spending too much time focusing on them and what we may lose. What do you have? What makes you great? What do you want that will make you better? As another DBuster eloquently put it "Do Work". On yourself because you can't work on anyone else. Leave them to work on themselves. It will take time but don't give up. This is a birthing process for the new you and hopefully a new M. Anything related to birthing has some degree of pain but it is worth it.
Don't try to hold on too tightly to your R. I am living by Let Go and Let God. I find that when I hold on tightly I am trying to control the sitch and H but I really can't. I am just deluding myself and making us miserable in the process. Is this how it is for you? Letting go helps me to breathe easier and analyse things without a run of emotions. It allows me to detach.
