MLC? There's no other woman. We've struggled for a long time. We tried counseling several years ago but he didn't like the counselor so we just quit going. He asked me to go to counseling a couple of years ago but I wasn't in the right place. We've been living like roommates with occasional sex.
This last year there's been tough because his Mom has Alzheimers and he's gotten very sentimental about his Dad (whom he has always had a difficult relationship with) and what a great job he's doing taking care of his mother. He told me that when he saw the way his Dad looks at his Mom - he didn't feel that way about me. I just don't get it because he's always said he doesn't want to be divorced living somewhere by himself. Now mind you we've been together 29 yrs so I've seen his Mom & Dad in action and they've had quite a few struggles. His dad would get mad and not talk to anyone for days. My H has been caught in the middle of the two of them before (taking up for his Mom). His Aunt tells me that his Dad used to threaten to leave his Mom & she would cry and beg him to stay.
We went to a counseling session a week ago today. Which I'm giving the therapist one more try before I make up my mind about her not sure she is positive about saving the marriage but she seemed to do a lot of talking and was all over the place. Afterwards, he finally said to me I want to split up. I came unglued. We went home and unfortunately, I hadn't bought the book yet so I cried and begged for him to give our marriage another chance. I asked him to hold me which eventually led to sex. Which we both knew was a big mistake. But of courses he had to say that it was just sex and needed a human touch and after all I asked him to hug me when he didn't want to. Big mess. He's slept downstairs every night since then. We had lunch on Tuesday of this week where I was feeling strong and got a few things off of my chest. I told him I still believe our marriage is worth saving. That night he told me that he was angry because this is a lot harder than he thought it was going to be. He thought I'd just say ok let's get divorced. He's angry that I'm fighting for the marriage. Our oldest son most definitely knows something is going on. I feel bad for him because tonight is his prom and next week is his graduation from high school. My H goes from being short with me to pleasant. I'm just trying to stay out of his way now and take the advice of getting on with my life. Had a weird exchange this morning. He came upstairs into our bedroom when I was getting out of the shower. It caught me off guard and I immediately covered myself with a towel. Not sure why. Maybe just feeling especially vulnerable right now. He said do you want me to wait in the other room and before I could answer he did. He took his turn in the shower and then got dressed. He was having trouble finding one of his tennis shoes and was pretty agitated. I helped him find it. He caught himself and said thank you. I put some laundry on and then came back into the bedroom so I could dry my hair. He was laying back on the bed with his hands over his face. I asked him if he was alright and he gave me an irritated "Yes." Then I made the mistake of asking him did he have something he wanted to say. of course, he gave an irritated "No." He laid there for awhile and then finally went out to help our oldest son do some yardwork. Not sure what to make of it.
I'm journaling, reading the book and exercising to try and manage my anxiety. Next Friday's counseling session cannot get here soon enough! However, I have two fears 1) he'll decide not to go 2) He'll tell the counselor that he wants a divorce and that's it.
