Just so you know...

[bluerain]

I got one of H's cell phone bills in the mail, for some reason he never changed his address with them... It is killing me, I want to open it and see if hes been contacting her. If he is then thats it, all this is over.

I really feel like we have been making positive progress and while I never asked his specifically to not talk to her, and he never promised me that he wouldnt. I dont want to be friends with someone who thinks that still talking to the woman who destroyed your M while still carrying on regular correspondence with your W is ok.

But now I am making all of these assumptions with no real evidence... yet.

Argg. Should I look or not?

[futureunknown]

Here you are bluerain, I didn't know where your thread was.

Thanks for commenting on my situation. I see you have some tough decisions to make as well.

My friends say all is fair in love and war, but don't look if you don't want to know the answer. The question is, why would you look at the bill instead of asking him straight out? You really are in a similar situation to me, aren't you?

[karen43]

I got one of H's cell phone bills in the mail, for some reason he never changed his address with them... It is killing me, I want to open it and see if hes been contacting her. If he is then thats it, all this is over.

Have you opened it yet? I think prob. most people would open it. I know some people believe in getting intel. I've just never been interested in that; I've tried to not find out stuff. I feel it would just hurt me; of course my H has been almost too honest & open about the OW. Also, I mean maybe the most important thing is that you do have a conversation about his contacting her and telling him that's a deal-breaker with you and see what he says about that. Karen

[mdoodles]

what did u decide to do?

i have played it both ways. i spent weeks getting print outs of our joint account, i would analyze it, explode at him for everything on there, and then file the paperwork away in case i ever needed it.

now, i just dont want to see anything anymore. sometimes things would look suspicious and i was wrong about what they even were.

i found i ended up hurting alittle more because seeing things in black and white hurt. however, maybe it is important to see things for what they really are.

there is a chance you will see he has been in contact. BUT, we do not know what was said in the conversations. i agree that no contact should be no contact, but how do u know if the contact had was even good? perhaps it was all nasty and yelling?

we just dont know.

i hope if u chose to open it, u saw something that did not hurt you.

[bluerain]

Thanks for all the input guys!

Its still in the backseat of my car. I have decided not to open it. Im going to throw it in a dumpster. Maybe someone will identity theft him! I have been trying to avoid questions that I dont want to know the answers to. Auughghg. I need you to come read it karen and just tell me if her number is on there ok?

I am trying to keep in mind that we are in the friendship stage and that we are not in a place where I have requested NO contact. We are trying to rebuild our friendship... but that being said, I dont want to be friends with a man who thinks it ok to be friends with HER!! I think that I just wont look, maybe I can remember him as a somewhat decent human being.

I spent yesterday at a friends house, she just got a new place and I went out of town with her to see it. Her H was there and it was tough, guys. 2 people who didnt want to be anyplace but right there with each other. Needless to say, I retired early.

I thought I had gotten past this!

[bluerain]

ok, so I succumbed, and as it turns out... It was just a past due notice!!! All that for nothing!!! truly it was a relief!

[bluerain]

Mdoodles, thats exactly why I wasnt going to open it. I didnt want to keep trying to fix our friendship if it was pointless. I knew that it would hurt if I saw her number on there, but I thought that maybe finding out for sure now would be better. I waffled ALOT about it, and finally on a whim I ran out to the car and looked.

Future, Its amazing how similar most of these situations are. You can almost predict what someones WAS is going to do and say next. I have had a hard time learning to not ask questions that I dont want to know the answers to, and then figuring out which ones I do need the answer to, even if I wont like it.

Karen, I am afraid that if I try to tell him about my deal breakers, he'll bolt. I dont think that hes interested in being my H right now. But on the other hand hes not interested in D right now either. I dont think that he knows what he wants. I dont want to dredge up something that would only cause further harm. I think that Im at a point right now that I might be able to walk away right now, more than at any other point in this whole nasty thing.

[bluerain]

Ive been travelling all weekend. Finally home, thanks goodness! I am exhausted! I am now a certified oil spill wildlife responder! Hopefully I will never have to use it!

One the way home yesterday I came up behind a RV that had stopped on a narrow stretch of rd, guard rail on one side and a shoulderless ditch with a rockwall on the other, there were cars stopped heading in the opposite direction as well, so the entire rd was blocked, on a corner! People were out of their cars to take pictures of a little black bear on the side of the road! 6 ft away from a bear eating! I was in a fish and wildlife truck and wearing my uniform, so I had to say something... I told them that this was a very unsafe situation and they needed to get back in their cars and leave the animal alone.

They got back in their cars and one of the cars was eyeballing me and glaring as they drove by, I smiled and waved, mouthing thank you! hehe. I followed the RV in to a campground and explained why it was such a dangerous sitch, not only for them, but how dangerous it is for the bears to become so used to people. I feel really good about the fact that I didnt call them dumb a$$e$ even once! And I think that it was a good opportunity to actually teach them something that they can take with them instead of just yelling at them.

I told H about it and we talked alot about it, he told me I should have called them at least one name. It was kind of cool to have something interesting to talk about with him.

[bluerain]

I just submitted a resume for a job on the north slope. I spent about 3 hours refining my resume and cover letter, but at one point I did irrepairable damage to the format and had to close without saving my changes, that was at the point where I had changed the title of the position I was applying for. When I opened it back up I finished making the changes and I gave it a looking over, without looking at the position title section, apparently, and submitted it. So now I have turned in a beautiful resume with the wrong title in the objective line. The work experience is perfect, so is the education, and my cover letter was beautiful... but the fish and wildlife position title... ugghh. I tried going back, maybe I could have submitted it a second time, desperate, I know, but it wouldnt let me.

I am so freaking disappointed in myself! This was a good job, I was totally qualified, and the best part: I would finally make enough to not spend nights lying awake wondering how to pay my bills. I am very attentive to detail, I just dont know how I could have overlooked this! Im so embarrassed! OH MY GOD!

[futureunknown]

bluerain-

Sorry to hear of your troubles. Sometimes I think the price of this DBing is absentmindedness, since we're so consumed by our situations. Perhaps your cover letter and the strength of your resume content will overcome the little mess-up in the objective. Sometimes when I get a resume, I don't even read the objective!

My situation has just gotten much worse, and I think I'm done DBing. Found out my W's A is back on and stronger than ever. I'm still going to GAL and have PMA, but I have to let go of my W and move on with my life. Detach and go pitch black dark. I am very saddened by all this. I made the mistake of letting hope start to take root. Now I have the pain of giving up that hope again. I really need to let it all go this time. No looking back. I'm so sad for my kids...