Can this get any worse... Its 1am here. h came home around8pm of course we didn't say much to each other.
we went to bed, he says to me around 12 midnight, "do you want a divorce", i said no its not what i want, why is that what you want.. and he said yes, maybe. I said that's nice.
He said "just so you know im going out tomorrow night" I said what is that supposed to mean? (he never goes out) He said Im just telling you. I said "just remember your still married" He said what do you mean? I said its not a ticket to cheat? he said" is that what you think"... then he says im outta here.
He gets up, takes all the cash in the house, and leaves with my car. I go downstairs and the boys car seats are in the house with a note "sorry boys about the party, I'll see you soon' love daddy.
I called him on the phone and said what the hell are you doing?
h: Im leaving for the wkend to decide what I want. me: what you want? are you kidding? H: yup, I don't want you doing anymore bids are answering the phone for business anymore me: I said what, are you trying to torture me, and turn this thing around like you are the one who is being treated badly?
h: You haven't spoken to me all week, so im going to take time to relax and figure out what I want.
me: its still all about you isn't it. You still don't get it.
H: You don't care about me at all, you wanted to continue this stupid fight and haven't let up.
me: I was hoping maybe this weekend we could talk and go to the communion togeather if you felt like it.
h: nope, im going away and won't be back till Monday.
He hung up. so now I have no car and no cash. We are expected at a communion tomorrow and my son is going to be so upset that we can't go.
Is this normal for then to react this way.. Why the hell is HE upset????? He's the one that is treating me like crap not the other way around?????
This may be the last straw for me. He almost will certainly cheat, he is giving himself an excuse, and Im going to have to come to terms with this some how.
I wish someone was up right now.. im freaking out.
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Just been catching up with your situation and it sounds very like mine. I can`t offer you a huge amount of hope as my journey is ongoing and I honestly don`t know how long I`ll stick it but just a couple of pointers. Your H seems to be in deep deep pain. Like my H, he is very angry(and blames you) and seems to need to control you(taking the phone is a classic example). Like you I called on every bit of support I could get for H. But I`ve found that I can`t force H into going onto therapy, mediation or anything else, it may come in his own time,which, yes, may be too late but it`s his decision. His heart won`t be in it if he doesn`t seek it himself. I`m using the Last Resort Technique from MWD`s books and just backing off from H entirely and not getting caught in the crazy dance. He has(and is)doing things to try to upset me but this puppet has just cut the strings and aint dancin no more. The M is still in jeopardy. But I`m in a happier place.
My other point is re separation. H refused point blank to move and I didn`t want to tear the kids out of their home. So we`re all still here together though H and I are sleeping apart. I wonder is it easier to heal the M in the long run if you stay in the same house? I don`t know.But separation brings another set of woes that I`m not ready to tackle yet.
I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could do. It is all about H -- he has made it that way. He is obviously in a great deal of pain over his situation. And he feels unloved and disrespected (nevermind your efforts to prove otherwise). But he has become abrasive and mean-spirited in dealing with it (or not dealing with it). There's no excuse for that, and he knows that down deep.
This storming out the door is typical. But at the same time his threat to be gone all weekend is unwise and puts himself in a position where he might do something outright foolish. He is tempting fate, whether that's his conscious intent or not.
His inner turmoil is not something anyone else can resolve for him -- he has to do it. Your H is going to have to work through this himself. And childish displays of anger and frustration are not going to help matters. Nor seeking escape through external distractions. He has got to do this himself. And given his current attitude, I am afraid that Fallgirl is right, your H is not going to respond positively to demands that he or the both of you seek therapy. Not at this time.
You can continue to offer love and support for H while he goes through this. But otherwise back off from him -- and tend to your own needs and that of the boys. He wants to rebel against and blame something or someone for his frustrations, so don't let yourself become his scapegoat.
I think James Dobson's Tough Love approach is in order. If you've never read that book, I highly recommend it. (He basically suggests that one lead off early with what we know as LRT.) If you were close by I'd love to personally hand you my own copy.
Irish, please take care of yourself for now. Hug those boys. And give your H his space -- love him enough to do that, even though that might be the toughest thing you've ever done. Lovingly detach. Let him know that you still love him, but don't stand in his way. If he does something utterly foolish, then he is shooting himself in the foot. It will be his loss.
I will continue to pray for all of you that your H will eventually come to his senses.
First off, i want to say thank you sara, you are such a wonderful person, I don't know how i can repay you for talking to me at 3am in the morning your a gem and anybody would be lucky to have you as a friend.
nc/doc~ Im ok. Such a long story, but the texting to the ow was a misunderstanding, sort of.
h meets many people when he is doing homeshows, so he meant this girl and she apparently wanted to get involved in selling green. Anyways, it was very innocent.. oh but the way, I called her, and ripped her a new one, she did call back and said she was sorry that it was nothing like that, she was just being a friend and that she has a serious boyfriend and she would never get involved with a married man. She asked me to call her back.
i did, but only to leave her a message saying that my h doesn't need any "friends" and if you have a boyfriend you should be tending to him.
Ya I know i was harsh, but this is the way I am when it comes to this stuff, can't hold anything back.
He did come home, told me that he was out driving around, conteplating driving off a clif... this through me for a loop. he was sobbing and crying at this point and told me that he just couldn't take me not speaking to him for a week with no affection or communication. then he told me that he is so insecure and that is his problem and that he was sorry for all of it. he told me he would move out to give me time and that he understood why I was so upset with him.
so, I told him no, I didn't want hgo toleave, that all i want is to go to therapy. he said he would do whatever it took. So I have to start looking for one.
Yes, what a relief that he finally is willing to go.
i have to tell you guys, that im not perfect either... (sorry to dissapoint you doc ) but I know that i can be standofish. Im not cold I would say, but im not affectionate.. just with my kids. unfortuntely this is exactly what my dad is like, and they haven't had sex in 6 years (yes my mother told me that.. YIKES!!)
He told me that he loves me so much it hurts when i turn him away, this is something im going to have to work on.
We did go to the communion together and had a really good time. Yesterday we had a quiet day at home, then I went over to my mom's house to see her.
so there you have it. I am going to start slowing down on the boards more. I need to focus on what is going on at home.
I do know now he does really love me, I've never seen him break down like that, so he dealing with some real insecurity issues that only therapy can help. and hopefully I can really start to be happy with him in a better mood.
Thank you all for your concern. this board is a god send. there are so many good people on here that i have had the pleasure of knowing.
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
((((((T)))))), What a night you had. I'm so sorry that I'm just now catching up with your sitch. DD has a virus on her computer so she's been using mine and I've been swamped at work.
I'm glad that the main crisis is over and he has agreed to go to counseling. You are a prize and don't you ever forget that!
Hugs, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
We love you, Irish (T), and I can say for myself that I am really relieved and very happy that your H finally recognizes and admits there is something wrong and that much of it resides in what he is dealing with. And recognizing a problem is the most important step to resolving it.
May God bless you, your H and your family, and may He continue to see all of you through this.
But don't be a stranger. Do focus your energies on what matters most -- you and your family -- but please keep us occasionally filled in to how you're doing, okay?
nc~ I won't be a stranger... doc if you could send my nc email address.. I changed it so I lost some of my stored addresses.. thanks
AND I love you too, you guys are my rock when I need it. I'm still really struggling with all of this, I have my lows and highs, as I did before. Im trying not to take it out on anybody, but im just still very very hurt.
It feels like someone is ripping my heart out all over again.
I spoke to my dr. today and she is going to get me a name of a therapist that is pro marriage. So then I will start calling when I get a couple of names.
One thing I did decide is that Even though its difficult, im going to start getting out with my friends alone and enjoying some me time. Yes, some of that needs to be with H, but I also need time for myself, and I guess it took all of this to realize it.
Im so "attached" to the relationship that i don't have anything for me, I need to have that in order for me to feel better in my mind and be a better mommy to my kids.
I will be by from time to time, just not as frequently. Checking up on my friends doc,nc,sara,jojo(although we talk on the phone), saffie, lwb, yoyo...
take care xxoo
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
I am pleased that you have managed to make some head way with your H and that you know he loves you> That is a big thing to know.
(((((Hugs)))))
I hope you still have my email. As you know I don't post often anymore, but I still think about my dear friends on here and you all mean a lot to me. I check in when ever I can.
I hope your H gets some anger management therapy also. It's not good for your son's to see your H acting like this - they mustn't grow up thinking that that is the way a man should behave.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
[/quote]Im so "attached" to the relationship that i don't have anything for me, I need to have that in order for me to feel better in my mind and be a better mommy to my kids.[quote]
I agree with you T. We will talk later Hugs. J
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
your a gem and anybody would be lucky to have you as a friend.