Your post struck me as I've been thinking about the tough love approach lately. The posters who advocate it seem so sure in their approach that I started to question myself.
I think there is a difference between the treatment of people that just leave and those who pass through a crisis. I also think it is really important to change something, whatever the situation, and looking at what you contributed to the break up and change it. I may be way off the mark with this but if you look at the mlc boards they advocate different treatment and there are some very experienced posters on there.
I can only speak for my sitch but if I had put 'tough love' in place my h would have fled. He wouldn't have been able to cope. He already thought I must hate him, the guilt was too much so I believe that we wouldn't be building a friendship if I had taken this approach. I found DB late so I would have done things differently in the beginning, and maybe things would have been different but I didn't, so I am working with what I have. Also, too much time had passed imo and he needed handling with kid gloves. I believe my h is in some kind of crisis.
I also feel that when you are separated it is very hard to be hard-line on affairs etc as you lose all your power. I do think though that you need to set clear boundaries when you need to. If you read some of the advice on the mlc - Jack_Three_Beans and Snodderly - crisis is a different cup of tea. My advice is you know your situation best, do what works.
