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[Punktmann]

Lyfe, sorry I've been gone a bit, but looking at your posts, I just wanted to mention a couple of things.

I'd like to consider myself a drug; a strong drug, for the sake of reference, and my W just quit me cold turkey. Maybe lately she has just been having some slight withdraw symptoms. In any case, for me in the grand scheme of things the way our lives are unfolding it has become quite clear that she may not have been a W to me for a while or at different times in our M.

That's one of the best descriptions of how it feels to be the LBS of an MLCer that i've read.

FWIW, I hate to say this, but that's the same conclusion that I came to about 6 months before my ex filed for D, about the same time that I finally decided that her aggressively disrespectful demeanor was something different than the problems I had been wishing away. (In my state, the court requires 6 months of marriage counseling b4 the divorce can go through,) and that's STRANGELY about when she agreed to go to marriage counseling.

I'm totally not suggesting it's over, but if that's your perspective, it's time to take this pretty seriously as far as DBing techniques go.

In that vein, GAL / 180 are things that mean something different during the crux of the crisis and a year or two later.

I think that it is HARD to understand the true meaning of GAL while that is going on, but it get's really clear if you find yourself in my situation after she leaves.

It does NOT mean GAL closer to what you perceive that she wants.

It DOES mean, GAL apart from her. GAL that doesn't include her or "save room for," her. GAL means finding yourself in the ABSENCE OF HER. Who were you before? Or more closely!, who were you on the way to becoming, before your R with her sidetracked many of those aspects of yourself?!

I could go on for paragraphs about this b/c I have the hindsight, (yayh, I think...) but it's mostly individually oriented. I'm on facebook at my name at gmail.

Punkt, I returned the gesture and reached out and got no response.

No worries my man, that's to be expected. Remember that when YOU make a gesture, it's from a place that you are currently in, and that place is the same over several months. The place that the MLCer is in when they make a gesture is a place they are only in for a day or so. They aren't, (and shouldn't be expected to be,) in the same place from day to day, and we shouldn't expect any sort of consistency. That's hard, sane people expect consistency from other sane people, but.....

a co-worker came to me and said, "What's up with you and your wife", so I asked what he meant and he said that the fellas were talking about it and they knew and heard that my M was in trouble and that me and my W were not together. I was so shook, because I have not told anyone outside my circle.

I felt so humiliated and embarrassed it's not funny. I'm really starting to look like a fool in denial.

She is apparently talking to people about our M, but not talking to the person she's M to; Me.

STOP THAT CRAP RIGHT NOW. You're not the fool. There might be a fool involved in this situation, but it ain't you!

Sure, I felt like that too. Everyone here who's put forth the DBing efforts, and had the spouse leave anyway felt that way.

As the LBS works through the wreckage and rebuilds their life, we scrounge out the bricks of truth from the debris, and the truth is that while we each had a part in the marriage ending, we didn't pull the pin. We didn't call the shots, didn't call end-game. The fool did

You had a hand in what is going on with your marriage, but you aren't driving the bus over the cliff right now, so STOP.

I am a mess today, just one of those days I guess. Feels like I'm just sitting back watching the paint dry and when it dries it will be a different picture than the one I imagined for me and my W.

There's a saying about intelligence being the ability to learn from other peoples experiences. FWIW, if I could give you only one piece of advice, it would be to develop a stronger presence here on the DBing boards. Seek out those "newer than yourself," and help them get through the situations that you've already gone through. Read other's posts for that, and to ID some of the more experienced posters like Jack_three_beans, Amy_C, MMF, as well as others, and seek out their input.

Like I said, FWIW, your thread isn't getting the attention it ought to, and the advice above will cause that to happen. That will bring you some really great guidance.

Nobody here can promise to save your M, esp. if she's decided it's over already, but they can certainly tell you what not to do, what MIGHT work, and how to survive this uncertain period in your climb to success.

Lately, I have been waking up thinking I need to call her and get some resolution, it's been about 10 months.

Just me, but until you mean "end," by resolution, I wouldn't do that. If you're at the point where "should I stay or should I go?" then yeah, you need some resolution. If you mean "what the F#&$ are you thinking right now?" by resolution, then no, don't call her. That's pressure. Give her space.

I went out on first Friday, back on April 3, as planned and I guess I had a decent time. It just felt really uncomfortable, mainly b/c I was concerned about possibly bumping into my W and seeing her out or out with someone. We live in a small city, so I know that it is bound to happen.

I understand the above to mean that you went out with friends, not a date. In that context, HELL YEAH brother, that's a good step towards GAL. Sure, maybe going out drinking with a bunch of guys is not where you want to be headed AFA GAL is concerned, but doing ANYTHING social is a BIG step forward. OK, "drinking with the boys," isn't part of your GAL vision. Don't make it part of your goals. Make it an occasional step towards making friends / connections with people outside of your "couple" social circle. It's a baby step. Good Job.

Upon talking to my brother one night about my W saying she gave up a long time ago, something hit me and it all made sense. A lot of things make sense. I can just remember all the times I thought I was crazy b/c I could not figure out what was going on. I think it was a case of the Jedi mind trick. I should be bruised up from all the walls I ran into.

OK, yes, this is what MLC feels like from the outside. You're not crazy.

It's not "evil," but it's what happens to us.

These were the times when I would ask for MC, but she just refused b/c I guess she know what she truly wanted. She was pushing me away and pulling herself away all at the same time.

I wasn't good at setting boundaries. If I could go back, the MC would be the first and show-ending one. Without that, they have the luxury of reeling you in and letting you out indefinitely. Sounds like things might have gone past that for you, but in any convo re: the two of you, I would actively seek out MC as a framework to dialogue constructively rather than fight over B.S.

he finally says, "I'm upset that you and your W (wife's name) are not together". That just blew me away, with what he is going through and dealing with to be concerned about me and my M. He was still being dad.

Yep.

she asks how my dad is and if he says anything about her and I relayed the story above and she gave nothing. It amazes me how empty she can be, not in a million years would I have imagined us being in this space.

That emptiness surprises us all. Just make sure that you learn from that, expect it, don't let that goad you into a self righteous argument, and take anything better than that as a gift.

to my surprise she did not look for conflict or ammo; so I thought. A few minutes after the conversation, I get a txt from her referring to some mail of hers that came to the house that I forwarded to her. So in the txt she says "Oh I got the mail...Kinda silly you think" When I sent the mail to her, I knew she would take that the wrong way and I was correct. I replied that I found nothing silly about making sure she got her mail and sending it to her works best for me. She replied OK.

Back to the emptiness thing. The alien is empty when the situation could cause them guilt, and active when it doesn't.



Post more often, try to help the posters junior to you with what you've already gone through, seek out the senior poster's input, You'll get a LOT more help here.


Best,

Punkt.