Deadman, it's a struggle. There's no two ways about it. And it's a daily struggle. Sometimes an hourly struggle. Sometimes a minute-by-minute struggle.
Look at PortlandDad -- he and I find a lot of common ground. That thing about not calling and texting? I try it, too. It's a bear. But you can't do it. You just can't.
You wrote this:
Quote:
Mainly my reasoning for considering this is I really dont have to many people to discuss the sh*t with. The 2 friends i fish with both have come to the conclusion that i should just be able to flip a switch and be done with her.....not that easy for me. My parents are pretty biased and really all they say is i cant believe that she is doing this to you
Odd as it sounds, this is why friends and family are well-nigh useless in these situations -- and why _DR_ suggests they not be involved at all unless at the very last minute.
My WAW has told nearly the entire free world about the D. So setting aside everything else, even if she admitted in her heart-of-hearts that she wanted to slow down or even stop the D, how could she without completely losing face? She'd hear the echoes of a thousand voices saying, "But I thought you said...."
And there's the flip-side -- the more people she tells, the greater the validation she receives, because what does she tell? Her story -- not our story -- certainly not my story.
And this is a problem for the LBS, too -- people on "our" side feel sorry for us, wish this wasn't happening to us, and so they validate us. So your fishing buds tell you, "Hey, man, you're better off anyway; you'll be as right as rain in the morning. Pass me that casting spoon, will you?"
Now validating might great in the LBS-WAS/DB model as far as acknowledging your WAS's feelings goes, but it's useless otherwise. Why is it useless?
Because validation is not intended to motivate or correct or advise or assist or promote or direct or inspire. It is intended to salve the wound. Its goal is to make us feel better.
And it does.
Because nothing feels as good as validation, especially if it absolves us of responsibility for failure.
Validation is a lie -- validation tells us, "Hey, don't worry; everything will work out in the end."
Well it's one thing to lie to ourselves; it's another thing to believe it.
What you have to do, Deadman -- and by that I mean, what I have to do -- is turn pro. Amateurs play for fun; professionals play for keeps. As an author I like, Steven Pressfield, writes: "The professional...knows that any job, whether it's a novel or a kitchen remodel, takes twice as long as he thinks and costs twice as much."
So we have to turn pro. And a pro, Pressfield says, is a person prepared to confront his own self-sabotage.
Which is why PortlandDad says: No texting. No calls. Each 160-character text, each "hey, how's it going?" call, is sabotage. It's treason.
The pro, Pressfield says, "is an infantryman. He knows that progress is measured in yards of dirt extracted...one day, one hour, one minute at a time and paid for in blood."
Work on turning pro, Deadman. I'll work on it, too. And I'll see you on the other side.
