Well i just had a pretty bad backslide...had a crappy day because of going to the bank about the house the W text me and told me about her day I told her about mine her reply was "Im Sorry" (about the house) Basically i was feeling trapped here in Illinois.
Anyway we got into a big argument and she told me that basically she feels like she still has to be my mother thru this seperation due to me struggling. Which is totally the opposite of how i want her to feel. But then I realized that basically it is due to me feeling sorry for myself and just kinda going thru the motions of DBing not really acting on anything just sitting in my house feeling lonely. She told me i needed to get an activity. So yeah basically ive backslid completely. I know, I know you can all stop the applause at how awesome i am.
Anyway now I realize that if she can see that im struggling I really do need to make a change and start actually DBing. Starting with GAL!!!! And going back to NC
I work the next 3 days 14hrs, so this may be kinda difficult but i can still get a plan in order.
I also have 1 other recognition....I am like alot of others out there although I keep telling myself Im ready for the battle, I really am not.
Anyways i really need any and all advice I can get. Please Latch onto me and I will try to provide any support I can. I really need any support you are willing to give, even a smack upside the head when needed.....Thanks
Hey DeadmanWalking, Look at who you used to be, the man she fell in love with. Did you like that person you were? Were you a different person? Start that journey back, to being a happy, strong man. Only YOU have control of your happiness. Relying on others or your W for that is not fair to them. Push towards that PMA (positive mental attitude)!!!!
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
thanks for replying im really confused about my situation the W called tonight and was in good spirits, she is finishing up a big presentation she has. And her presentation is tommorow so she was nervous, i always was her motivator i guess u can say like saying things to help her get thru tough situations...like your good under pressure, you know your stuff dont worry youll be fine. So it felt like she was looking for that tonight i kinda felt like i should have detatched and not gave that to her but wasnt sure so i wanted to help her and be there for her.
Im also really confused because she really wants to be friends and talk and stuff like that, but how can i go dark or make her miss me when she wants to be friends I dont want to lose the friendship.
MsMeloncoly when i met my W i was 15yrs old so i definately was a different person, I was brash a bully and didnt have a very good sense of humor, got into alot of trouble. Now im a pretty layed back guy. To my W sense of humor is everything we laugh alot even now when we r talking we make fun of each other or crack jokes.
I definately agree with what your saying about it not being fair to W to rely on her for happiness, she always says "I cannot be your be all end all". And i really didnt realize the pressure ive been putting on her. With all the stress from school im hoping that when she is done in 2 months we will be in alot better situation, Im trying to be as patient as i can and let her take the time she needs.
well im not sure if seeing a therapist is considered GAL, but man im pretty sure i could use some counseling especially if it would be covered under my insurance.
Mainly my reasoning for considering this is I really dont have to many people to discuss the sh*t with. The 2 friends i fish with both have come to the conclusion that i should just be able to flip a switch and be done with her.....not that easy for me. My parents are pretty biased and really all they say is i cant believe that she is doing this to you...and when i tell them that there precious angel put 50% into destroying this 13yr relationship they dont want to believe it. Her mom is great matter of fact her whole family is great to me they all have been telling me that they keep telling her what a mistake it is to throw me away. I just kinda reply with Im sure she has her reasons and that i am doing everything I can to make me a better person.
The thing is, is that like i said b4 i need to stop just reading and posting and start taking action. I have fought for everything i believe in my whole life and im not about to give up on this. I know 1 thing for sure i can throw one hell of a pity party for myself.....LOL!!! That has kinda been my M.O. the past month.
On a brighter note found away to possibly relive some stress over the house with this makinghomeaffordable.com deal that is gov. funded but not sure if i will qualify, lost my job a few months back had to take lower paying job just to get back to work but in these tough times im just happy to be working. The W on the other hand told me that she has been so busy that she has had no time to do anything for herself, she said she has been worried about me to much?
Anyway going to go start my second read of DR and after that just got the 5 love languages will read that as I was told by W that she feels or communication suks, and that might have a little to do with the fact that i really cant tell if she is talking to me or testing me after the whole crazy 3 ? mind game she pulled. She told me that weekend that we got in the fight (that Triggered all this) she told me that she felt that summed up or 13yr relationship and that she is afraid that is what her life would be like if she stayed with me cleaning and takeing care of me and 3 kids, i didnt try to change her mind of this as i understand telling her I want to change is pursuing i need to show her....wow 1 arguement summed up 13yrs. not really sure what else to say just kinda venting. Well good night..........
Hey deadman, it sounds like you are coming to the realization that you need to just work on you and let her be for the time being. Breaking the codependency cycle is hard; especially when you are the one that is codependent. Heck, anything outside of our comfort zone is hard.
It's nice that your ILs are sympathetic, but don't count on that lasting very long. As the sitch drags on, blood tends to be thicker than water and the ILs usually start siding with blood. It sucks, but it's all part of the game.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
hey PD thanks for replying, sorry it took me awhile to reply i just havent really been up to it lately. But had a few GAL moments this weekend. On saturday i went and drove taxi with a friend of mine. Lots of crazys out on Sat. nights, so like to ride with him when I can. But the W called and I turned the radio up really loud and told her I was at the bar so i had to go. Then on Tuesday one of the guys I play poker with invited me to a Cinco de Meyo party, and lo and behold the W called while i was there and my buddys girlfriend was talking to me while I was on the phone with her and the W was pretty interested in "who the B*tch i was hanging around with" was, i dont know not trying to make her jealous, kinda felt good to hear her be so curious, but the next time i talked to her which was last night she was very withdrawn so we talked on IM for about 7minutes and she had to go I was just about to cut it off and she beat me to it.
But today had NC and i am working till sat. so prolly no more GAL activities untill sunday which is mothers day, but im stuck in illinois so i will just call my mom. I actually am covering my buddys shift driving taxi on sunday which the W totally disapproves of before the seperation she would tell me all the time she did not want me to because it was dangerous. But i can use some extra $. So what do you guys think about this is this me just doing the same old thing by not doing what she told me or is it ok because i need some extra $. I told her i got a second job to make some extra $ and she just replied what and i told her driving taxi on my days off, she didnt say anything and just replied well your not mine anymore so i dont have to worry about you.
I am starting to get angry at how cold and hateful she is being to me, I plan no contact with her until she calls me and when she does i will decide if i can talk to her. Its funny that im the one trying to do all the changing and she can keep doing the same old sh*t. I just feel like im bending over backwards just to let her sh*t on me and then she still probably wont want to come home. She has some crazy idea about the grass being greener?
I have a ? for you guys what are some of the things you've tried to make your X miss you....or to be more mysterious. That is what im supposed to be working on but i dont think im really being that successful, I am curious if it is because she knows me and knows that i only want to be with her.
Well till next time keep fighting the good fight and hope to hear from you guys...........Later
Well, I can't exactly speak from an authoritarian POV here since my W and I are still separated and the ultimate D is looking more and more like a possibility, but I can tell you what doesn't work...
Being clingy, needy, crying all the time. That stuff is a major turn-off for the WAS. Also, any pursuit, calling, texting, following them around the house, writing letters, professing your love for them, telling them that you love them is also unattractive.
My W started being more interested in me when I backed all the way off and didn't have any contact with her for weeks at a stretch. It was so hard, but the longer that I resisted the urge to call and email her, the more often she picked up the phone and called me.
I would say that once it became a habit for her to do the calling, I prolly should have reciprocated a little more, because she started backing off doing that a bit.
In short, anything that build you up, or shows her that you are doing well without her is good to build up mystery and make you more attractive to her.
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
Thanks again PortlandDad, it is pretty hard to go dark but i have to admit that it seems like everytime i do she replys, i had NC on thursday, and she texted me today and then she called me tonight. I really am getting confused. But like you said before all i can do is work on me i cant change her mind so that is basically what im trying to do. Thanks again for replying
Deadman, it's a struggle. There's no two ways about it. And it's a daily struggle. Sometimes an hourly struggle. Sometimes a minute-by-minute struggle.
Look at PortlandDad -- he and I find a lot of common ground. That thing about not calling and texting? I try it, too. It's a bear. But you can't do it. You just can't.
You wrote this:
Quote:
Mainly my reasoning for considering this is I really dont have to many people to discuss the sh*t with. The 2 friends i fish with both have come to the conclusion that i should just be able to flip a switch and be done with her.....not that easy for me. My parents are pretty biased and really all they say is i cant believe that she is doing this to you
Odd as it sounds, this is why friends and family are well-nigh useless in these situations -- and why _DR_ suggests they not be involved at all unless at the very last minute.
My WAW has told nearly the entire free world about the D. So setting aside everything else, even if she admitted in her heart-of-hearts that she wanted to slow down or even stop the D, how could she without completely losing face? She'd hear the echoes of a thousand voices saying, "But I thought you said...."
And there's the flip-side -- the more people she tells, the greater the validation she receives, because what does she tell? Her story -- not our story -- certainly not my story.
And this is a problem for the LBS, too -- people on "our" side feel sorry for us, wish this wasn't happening to us, and so they validate us. So your fishing buds tell you, "Hey, man, you're better off anyway; you'll be as right as rain in the morning. Pass me that casting spoon, will you?"
Now validating might great in the LBS-WAS/DB model as far as acknowledging your WAS's feelings goes, but it's useless otherwise. Why is it useless?
Because validation is not intended to motivate or correct or advise or assist or promote or direct or inspire. It is intended to salve the wound. Its goal is to make us feel better.
And it does.
Because nothing feels as good as validation, especially if it absolves us of responsibility for failure.
Validation is a lie -- validation tells us, "Hey, don't worry; everything will work out in the end."
Well it's one thing to lie to ourselves; it's another thing to believe it.
What you have to do, Deadman -- and by that I mean, what I have to do -- is turn pro. Amateurs play for fun; professionals play for keeps. As an author I like, Steven Pressfield, writes: "The professional...knows that any job, whether it's a novel or a kitchen remodel, takes twice as long as he thinks and costs twice as much."
So we have to turn pro. And a pro, Pressfield says, is a person prepared to confront his own self-sabotage.
Which is why PortlandDad says: No texting. No calls. Each 160-character text, each "hey, how's it going?" call, is sabotage. It's treason.
The pro, Pressfield says, "is an infantryman. He knows that progress is measured in yards of dirt extracted...one day, one hour, one minute at a time and paid for in blood."
Work on turning pro, Deadman. I'll work on it, too. And I'll see you on the other side.
