No, I guess I'm not building my life as a single person yet...I'm kind of still in survival mode!
Where has being in survival mode gotten you? You are not detached and still obsessing about your W. Is that bringing you closer of further away to building a life for you?
I don't know what's gonna happen with this thing CityGirl. I'm doing what I can right now...which is a lot more than I thought I could do a while back. I'd like to get to that mindset, but I'd like to do it without it actually happening. That sounds good to me...finding a balance between DB'n while detatching and rebuilding my life. I want to do that.
The biggest part of DB *is* rebuilding your life. The whole concept is to make your life the best it can be so either way, marriage or no marriage, you will be okay.
When I say 'things don't look good', I mean the relationship. I'm really trying in other areas for things to be better. Yeah...it hit me hard. But I really want to stop thinking about it, and I really want to stop thinking/obsessing about her. I think I'm detatching some, but I want to be detatched a lot more. Yeah, she knows she has the power! I just don't know how, or want to bad enough, maybe, to not let her hold all the cards. I guess I'm scared.
The thing is, you havent even begun to accept the two of you dont have a relationship right now other than co parents. She has already left you, moved out and moved on and wont even talk to you... what could look worse? What are you scared of? She has already left you and told you the marriage is over so its not like that can happen again. You both live in separate places. D papers wouldnt change much now would it? Just because she hasnt filed yet it doesnt mean anything is different if she were to file. Right?
You don't come across that way to me. I've read your stuff, and I see that you've been through quite a bit already. I'd like to get to where I'm not bothered by the hateful things she says anymore.
That is what detachement is though... no matter what the WAS says it just doesnt bother you anymore. They can feel or act as they like but it doesnt control how you REACT or feel about it.
To this day my H still whines that I would not let him come over anymore. For months, like some sort of moron I would tell him time and time again as long as you are with OW you wont come here and hang out with me. Very simple. Eventually I just got tired of saying the same thing yet he is still whining that he was not allowed to come over for one year. So I just shrug now and say "okay". It used to bug me so much how dense he could be but now... well, what can I do about it. If you as my husband are sleeping with somebody else, using OUR money and car to take another woman on dates and playing sleepover with her on a daily basis then you dont come here. Its not rocket science. So he can whine all he wants about it now. I just shrug. Its an old and boring conversation and I wont waste anymore time having it. Eventually you will get tired of the same old boring conversations with your W about how sick you make her. One day you will just say "okay" and shrug your shoulders and go about your business.
Yeah, it is nuts. But I treated her pretty bad in the past, and I don't want a divorce...I am trying to be different than I was in the past.
Well, nobody wants to get divorced I dont think. But you "being different" has to be for you and not for the sake of the marriage because as it stands now you will be getting divorced. The changes have to be for you!
