naej and snodderly are spot on. Please listen to them. Try to get some help from either a therapist or clergyman. I was in counseling for 4 years. Snodderly is right, when we first come here we think our situation is different, our R is different, and our H is different. In reality, most are the same. My xh left and never looked back. He said he wanted to be friends (don't they all?) but I didn't need friends like him. I told him that if he wanted to be my friend, he would have to earn it. Needless to say, we are not friends. I never contacted the ow, don't even know what she looks like. To me she is insignificant. I loved my xh very much, but learned early on that I could not control him. I didn't want to control him. Have you heard the saying, if you love something, set it free? I wanted him to make his choices and live with them, good or bad. I like my life now and could never go back. It would have been nice to co-parent, but that was not to be. For a long time, I wanted answers and an apology. Never got them. I am finally at peace with not ever knowing. And even if xh is sorry for what he did, I am sure I will never know. He will not admit it. This seems to be the norm. It takes a strong person to admit a mistake. Personally I don't understand this, but I seem to be in the minority. For me, it would be a lot easier to admit a mistake and apologize than live with the guilt
Regarding your son: my children were 9, 13, 14 when he left. I tried very hard not to bad mouth their father in front of them. Sometimes I wasn't successful, but for the most part I bit my tongue. I never kept them from him or interfered with their R with their father. It was very hard. Eventually, 2 of them figured it all out. If my kids needed anything or didn't want to see their dad, I made them tell him. I did not speak for them. It is always more effective coming from the kids. Let xh say no to them. You should let son deal with his father on his own. If he needs something, he will ask.
Please think hard about the advice you get here. We have all been where you are and would like you to avoid some the heartache we experienced. Put your efforts into you and your son. I know it is hard to believe that your life can be full and wonderful without your xh, but it can be. I wish I never went through this, but I am excited about my future again. Is there something you always wanted to do but couldn't while you were married? Maybe you can do it now.
