Thanks for responding. Don't know what will happen - he was calling all night and this a.m. to argue. I kept cutting off the phone and refused to listen to the messages. I also called him back and plainly said that I didn't want to hear from him anymore.
This afternoon he called, sounded different and asked to talk things through admitting that he over reacted. Not very DB I agreed that he overreacted and just doesn't think about anyone but himself. H asked me to go to MC with him to help him understand my viewpoint... sounds good on the surface but I know him. This is his old behavior minus the drink.
That is my game plan - to be myself - and I think he is struggling with me. I am so different from anyone he has ever met (people usually say that about me) and I have a complicated life - I am a complicated person to a point.
H called late in the day and requested a talk to resolve this matter as he admits he overreacted. Not very DB of me but I told him that I much too angry and hurt to have a rational convo. Then he asked me to meet him at therapy tommorrow to start working on our R. What's that? H thinks he can tell me one minute he wants the M and when things don't go his way he can quit? and once he cools down its on again?
Again, not very DB, but I told him that I didn't want to see or talk to him. I have had enough with the drama and uncertainty.
Good for you for sticking to your guns. There comes a time when the DB methods are not particularly the best ones to use. In your case, you act the way you feel and I personally feel that is a good way to be.
Only you know your H well enough to see through him, we can only guess and offer advice based on one side and one point of view.
I have seen this behaviour before though, when things don't work, this type of person reverts to the most recent 'working' method until things settle, then slip back to their own way again.
The only way out of this for him is to TOTALLY come clean and change. Something that if it's not part of his 'core' self, he will be unable to do.
Just ensure that you are as happy as you can be with your decisions Kass, and stick to them.
Question... he has been leaving messages - apologizing for overreating, explaining "his" problem and after IC says his therapist thinks he can help him with his issues and help us to reconcile differences. I had been telling H that he has to consult with his IC about the timing of MC given what he is working on in IC. Therapist recommends waiting a bit. The IC knows us both very well and I think he has always thought that it was workable with some hard work on both parts.
How do I know whether to keep trying or not? He is working hard on his issues and wants to be with me but everytime I begin to feel good about him and make plans for the future - he flakes out. I do believe that he needs time - but I can't help but feel abandoned and dissappointed - I didn't get M to live apart and have to work so hard at this age.
Why do you think he flakes? Do you think he gets scared and feels like when times get tough or there is a decision to be made he feels overwhelmed so its easier to run? No way an excuse as we are adults and not children. I just don't understand not working on your issues right away.
You are staying strong in what YOU want. Keep it up. It seems like your H needs to stick with one path instead of two.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Great to hear from you again. It seems your H is pursuing you big time and then, like you said, flakes out - "Run away, run away!" (Monty Python)
Quote:
but I can't help but feel abandoned and dissappointed - I didn't get M to live apart and have to work so hard at this age.
I agree. Way too much work. Maybe you two are talking way too much and working way too hard. I know this sounds simplistic but can you just do fun things together for awhile? No R talk, no "work"?
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
H has always had things his way - never had to be responsible as others often took care of him. Typical A stuff. He didn't learn to be responsible or think about anyone but himself. He also never grew as a person and doesn't really know himself. IC is helping him with this.
As far as just having fun - I have tried and insisted on this but he can't relax that way - outside of physical contact he prefers to do solitary activities. Remember, until now, he has spent most of his days staying at home and drinking. I am used to doing things with others or enjoying most activities - I can have fun doing anything.
He can't be around me without R talking. He is either planning things to do together, (which we never end up doing)or complaining about the way things are, (but not resolving a thing) or analysing everything said or done to death.
My major issue is that everytime he doesn't like something I do - it becomes a reason to move out or leave or get a D. Then days later he apologizes and asks to work it out but it never gets worked out.
When I agreed to date last month, the pattern of arguing or walking out or canceling plans continued. Although he has been changing attitudes gradually, for instance, one week ago I agreed that he could move back in Aug. and we started to make plans for the move. Less than one week, and he says he isn't prepared to handle things. Now he apologizes and wants to get back on track and I am not certain I can do that anymore. I can't believe a word he says, and don't trust him. How can I move forward with this?
You can't move forward. Not when he waffles back and forth with his thinking. I am guessing it is part of the A behavior.
Happy Mother's Day Kassie!!!!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
I saw this on another website (alcoholic related). It fits my exh to a T from when he was living here and now. It may or may not with yours, but thought it was interesting. Sorry its long.
From the Abuser's Point of View
I should avoid emotional closeness, because it leaves me vulnerable and open to hurt. I will adopt an attitude of aloofness and indifference to keep my partner from getting a piece of me. Besides, if I let my partner get into my head, I will be under her rule and will be smothered. I will lose myself. To prevent this, I will subconsciously and consciously distance myself from my partner to keep her from overtaking me, while giving her fleeting moments of tenderness to keep her near me.
Here’s how I’ll go about it.
I will put off her requests for closeness, for talks and for time alone together. I will interrupt her and dismiss her opinions. I will show little interest when she wants to share an insight or a story from her day, and I will not share mine. When she hears me share something with someone else and asks. “Why didn’t you tell me that? I will say.” Or “I didn’t think you’d be interested” or “I forgot.” I will scoff at her interests as well as her choices and habits. Also, I will make sure I don’t miss a chance to point out with a tone of superiority and rightness-- how opposite or different her choices and habits are from mine. This helps prove that any attempts at working on our relationship will likely fail, since we are so different and thereby gives me more reason to distance myself.
I will spend my time at home on house projects, watching TV, reading magazines or playing with the kids anything and everything to leave no time for us to have a private moment. I will stay up each night later than her to avoid any closeness when we go to bed, then tell her she needs too much sleep. If I want to have sex, I will wake her from her sleep and began touching her, knowing she’ll respond because I’ve minimized affection and she’s craving any intimacy I’ll offer. When I am not at home avoiding her, I will pursue activities outside the home and not include her or forget to tell her about my activities until the day of the event, thereby leaving little possibility that she can attend with me.
To keep her within arm’s reach, I will occasionally throw out a “we should do X.” I may even really mean to do something with her, but I won’t ever make it a priority so that other things I have to do will always come first... I will leave my schedule open to attend whatever event I want, work on any project I want, or go out with friends (without considering that I should find a sitter because I know she’ll be home). But I will raise a fuss when she decides to take a night off from the house and the kids without getting my OK. After all, she always checks with me to see if I’ll be home, so if she doesn’t check, she must be punishing me, and I will call her on it. I will evade suggestion from her for a night out together or will commit to a night out grudgingly and without any sign of enthusiasm. When she stops initiating dates for us and then later complains about our lack of fun time, I will (with irritation in my tone) remind her that she needs to initiate it I can’t always be the one initiating.
If she asks that we have a talk, I will put on my game face of mild irritation at her demand that I share. I will let her run the talk, not offering much input and not validating her opinions. If she pushes ANY buttons or requests any changes in my behavior, I will unleash my rage and feel it is my entitlement to cut her, criticize, accuse her of riding me and then leave the room or the house, so that she can’t continue talking to me. Her talking is just a cover to get a chance to bitch at me anyway. When she sets up a session with a counselor, I will go so that no one can place blame on me for not going. Then I will tell the counselor that the reasons we have problems is that we are very different people so we can’t communicate with each other.
Once in a while, I will throw her a crumb and share a thought or a hug with her. Or, at the spur of the moment, I will decide -- without asking her first -- to take her out to dinner so that she can’t say to her friends or my family. He NEVER spends time alone with me. I will subvert any attempts from her to talk about us spending more time together during these rare occasions when I do spend a night with her.
I will show disgust at her lack of confidence and insecurities. Then I will bring up her tender spots (insecurities) whenever it helps me gain the upper hand or control in an uncomfortable situation. That way, the focus of whatever comes up is shifted away from me and onto her unreasonable insecurities.
When she reacts to any of this with anger or other high emotions (yelling, getting hysterical, crying, bawling, or walks around joyless and bitter), I will offer very little comfort, concern, reassurance or attention. After all, she is trying to punish me with all her hysterical and depressing emotions, and I don’t need the hassle.
Her anger and emotional reactions provide good reasons to keep distancing myself from such an intentionally hurtful person. I will make sure I tell my friends and family that her only moods are depressed, hysterical, joyless and bitter, and nothing I do is ever enough for her. That way I can make an ironclad case that proves to everyone, including myself, that it is her fault when she leaves me.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
I just wanted to acknowledge that H did admit he was wrong to be jealous of my exh and that no matter what he felt, he should not have reacted as he did.
We had some interesting talks this weekend - he seems to be getting a lot from IC and the meetings (he went to a lot of them this week and weekend). I continue to hear some changes in his thinking and admissions of both positive and negative thoughts not able to voice before.
We discussed ways to make our R more "friendly" and less focused on problem solving. He is still getting used to the idea of seeing things from another person's perspective and in this case my perspective - increasing his awareness of how it might feel to be in my shoes looking at him and the things he did. I think he is getting it.
Just trying to acknowledge the things that are working.
SO2, I will have to think about what you sent. My H isn't into not having time with me - it is more about wanting things his own way and that includes as much time with me as possible - something that isn't always what I want. One thing that AA and church have encouraged in his life is more socialization. IC encourages do more on his own and allowing some separation between us.
By the way, MOther's Day was great! My S researched menus for a gourmet brunch and did all the cooking. It was wonderful - a lot of my favorites. It always amazes me when I can see that the kids notice what I like or what pleases me. D stayed home for the day which is unusual and I showed some of the homes I was looking at since she will most likely be staying there too.
