PM Thread #5 - Hope new plan works

[PositivelyMommy]

Hey Kev,

Thanks so much for your post, I am so glad you are on my side. What you said really makes sense. I can start seeing things from my H's side now.

Just for the record, I also believe that issues need to be resolved before reconciliation. Big time. And I agree that yes, we are different people now and the relationship would have to be a new one. I will reframe my thinking in this way.

So you are saying that they fear that the R would be the same as before...Hmm.. I have been making changes in myself and I think he sees them. I am not so sure if there are many changes in him as he has built walls around himself. So the question is, how can I convince him further that the R would not be the same. You and I know that it won't but how do I do it subtly?

Second question is,I have changed, for the better but if he feels trepidation about this new person I have become, then trust needs to be built up again. On both sides. I can see that it will take a lot of time and patience. So how to get him to see that it is a chance worth taking?

Is there anything I can do or is everything dependent on him? Someone who is so confused and who may not have my interest or the kids' interests or even his own interest in mind? I feel as if he is reacting to his 'feelings' e.g. I am feeling good with OW, so I will spend time with her. And I am feeling guilty around PM and the kids so I can't get too close to them.

If someone is reacting totally to what feels good, to a certain extent, I can help him feel good about being around his family. But there are some posters on this site that recommends tough love and just cut off all contact. I feel it won't work on my H's case because he will see that as another major rejection of him and he will get so mad at me that he will not reach out to me anymore. I have worked so many months to get where I am, I don't want that. Also, my C and DB coach advice me to use kindness, to treat him like a friendly neighbor and be gentle.

I guess the answer is that maybe there isn't really much more I can do now. I am where I want to be, he needs to make the next move. If he decides that he just can't trust a future with me, then I can't convince him with words.

I want to tell him that our issues are common among couples, that they are not insurrmountable. That I have more insight into what drives my behavior and so therefore I can change my reactions.

I am not sure he can trust himself, though.