Newly separated...spouse left, 3rd thread

[antlers]

You keep saying "things dont look good". Well, of course they dont because you are basing everything on your W and what she will do as far as the marriage goes (which she has told you is over) and if she files for divorce or not.

So, why dont things look good for you? You are improving as a man in ways you said you needed to improve, you are learning new things about relationships, you are becoming a better father to your kids and you have a good job. What doesnt look good is you really arent doing anything different to build your life as a single person and right now, you *are* a single person. And no, I am not suggesting you go out and date but there are other ways to build your life as a single person (single parent) without getting involved in another romantic/sexual R.

It seems to me you are doing part of what you need to do and are holding off on the other parts (rebuilding your life as a single person) to see what your W does. The best mindset you can get to is to assume she will be filing for the D any day now. You need to find a balance of DB while detaching and rebuilding your life.

IMO that is why you think things dont look good. Make them look good and dont base what looks good (or not) on what your W does. You have a bad exchange on April 30th and now it is May 8th and you are still talking, obsessing and thinking about it. THat is why you cant detach. That moment is over. Learn from it but stop putting such emphasis on it. You are giving your W way too much power and she knows it. The person who cares about the R the least always has the most power in it. And right now it seems your W does not care so she holds all the cards. Are you a grown man, a father, a professional person going to let somebody who clearly does not care (right now) hold all YOUR cards? I hope not.

I know I come across as harsh and trust me, it has taken me well over a year to get to this place but the BS from a WAS is just that. Almost 14 months later my H is still in "early WAS mode" telling me the same old tired script that all WAS use. Frankly, I am tired of it. Its boring. Its lame. THat is how I know I have grown. Eventually you will get tired of it also. Seriously you just will. It almost sounds stupid after a while and you just sort of tune out the WAS.

That is not to say it doesnt hurt at times because it does. But after a while its about as stimulating as trying to reason with a two year old who is throwing a fit. My H, ONE YEAR LATER, is still trying to convince me his affair "just happened". Um, no. It was a choice he made. He says if I just accept that it just happened then he and I can just be friends and he can go along with his GF and still have me. I mean, WTF?

Dont let her treat you bad just because she can. Its nuts when you think about it.

Hi CityGirl.

When I say that, I am referring specifically to the marriage.

I am improving as a man in ways that I needed to, and I am learning new things about relationships, and I am a better father to my kids, and I do have a good job. Those things are all good. No, I guess I'm not building my life as a single person yet...I'm kind of still in survival mode!

I don't know what's gonna happen with this thing CityGirl. I'm doing what I can right now...which is a lot more than I thought I could do a while back. I'd like to get to that mindset, but I'd like to do it without it actually happening. That sounds good to me...finding a balance between DB'n while detatching and rebuilding my life. I want to do that.

When I say 'things don't look good', I mean the relationship. I'm really trying in other areas for things to be better. Yeah...it hit me hard. But I really want to stop thinking about it, and I really want to stop thinking/obsessing about her. I think I'm detatching some, but I want to be detatched a lot more. Yeah, she knows she has the power! I just don't know how, or want to bad enough, maybe, to not let her hold all the cards. I guess I'm scared.

You don't come across that way to me. I've read your stuff, and I see that you've been through quite a bit already. I'd like to get to where I'm not bothered by the hateful things she says anymore.

I know you hurt too...we all do. I'm sorry that you have to deal with the situation you're in...I hope it gets better for you. why would a person think they can have a situation like that?!?!

Yeah, it is nuts. But I treated her pretty bad in the past, and I don't want a divorce...I am trying to be different than I was in the past.