The adventure continues--part 5

[dburt]

I am truly sorry AFAW.

I would file tomorrow. There should be no contact with her at all. I cannot believe that you even considered giving her a chance to move in for a week. She still thinks she can have you both, It is time for this to come to an end, and the trainwreck for her will be ugly. If she comes to her senses after she hits bottom, then and only then will it be your decision, she is still making them.

File tomorrow, turn cold on this woman that has totally wrecked you, and more importantly, abandoned YOUR child. She is hurting your child, Time to protect your family.

Burt

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

Stuck,

I don't buy your premise that the only two choices are:

1. fight honorably for your marriage

2. Expose out of anger and retribution, calling your wife all kinds of bad names in the process.

It is possible to expose honorably; to speak the truth in love, and to let her face the consequences of her own decisions. There is a "third way."

I do agree with you, however, that it should only be done as a last resort, after the cheating spouse has been given multiple chances to end their affair. I also think you should only do it if you're prepared to face the inevitable blowback.

Puppy

This is why I have not exposed my DH's affair to his command. The repercussions for me and the kids would be significant n i have not worked in almost 5 years. Even an anonymous exposure has repercussions that would resonate through the kids' lives for a long time financially.

Laura

[AFWAW]

I do agree with you, however, that it should only be done as a last resort, after the cheating spouse has been given multiple chances to end their affair. I also think you should only do it if you're prepared to face the inevitable blowback.

I've been thinking about this. She has had multiple opportunities to end it and come home but says she cannot. I'm really trying to see what the blowback is but I don't see it. What else can she do to me? She's not going to be the custodial parent. If she gets exposed she will get some paperwork and probably get "fired" from her special duty job. They will probably just PCS her to another base and she won't get a PCS medal. I get to stay here and she would have to go possibly. I love her still but why should she get to cake eat and advance in her career for doing the wrong thing while I went to Iraq, have never cheated on my wife, run away from my family and acted like a little kid? There has to be accountability at some point. She's enlisted in the military and a Senior NCO--it's against the rules to have a relationship w/ an officer and not only that adultry is against the rules as well. If I don't expose her, she's going to make rank and do you as the taxpayer want her to lead your sons or daughters and be an example to them. Also, if I expose, maybe she will get help before she self destructs. I don't think coming home is an option at this point. I still care about her though. Intersting perspectives--it is a difficult decision which I will wrestle with up to the very day I decide what to do.

Even though I may be angry at this point--I feel it's the right thing to do morally and to prevent her from self-destruction. I will continue to be open for suggestions on this though. thanks.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

John, I'm on the run out the door, so just this for now:

The crux of what I meant by "blowback" is that there MAY come a point where your feelings toward her -- and your marriage -- change. If they do, then there will be much more work to do because of the additional layer of aggressive exposure that you will have done. More healing to do.

I still think it's the right thing to do, and can be DONE right, but that's something for which you need to account, even if you don't at ALL feel like that's a possibility right now.

Peace,

Puppy

[MrBond]

"I don't buy your premise that the only two choices are:"

Actually I didn't really mean to show that those are the only two answers. They are actually two extreme ends of the spectrum. What and how you act is going to be somewhere in-between.

Just be sure that you don't let your anger the best of you. You don't want to find yourself the next day going "WTH did I do?!"

[LG nm12]

John,

Could it be that a small part of you hopes that outing her with the military will be one last desperate attempt to get her to come back around to you?

If so, I think outing is a waste of energy and drama. She is much more useful to you and your D if she makes money and succeeds.

She's comfy being low, so crushing her career just reinforces that she's meant to live low.

If they just PCS cheaters and move them elsewhere, it really doesn't provide the therapeutic process she needs to address the root of the problem. (Perplexing, actually, that this is the solution... It's almost as short-sighted as moving a pedophile priest to a different parish.)

I appreciate your views on morality, and I really wish more of the world acted with morals in mind. But the reality is that our taxes support and our children are subject to all kinds of lecherous beasts in the world.

Rock bottom will be to cut her loose. Cheating will no longer be an addiction because there will be no one to cheat on.

Don't get me wrong... I wouldn't weep for her if you outed her. But, I really think it will benefit you and your D in the long run if she stays on her career path, makes money, and contributes to D's ivy league education.

Lucky

[LG nm12]

Unless outing her will help you get custody...

[AFWAW]

Could it be that a small part of you hopes that outing her with the military will be one last desperate attempt to get her to come back around to you?

I thought so at first but now I'm just more of the mind that I've done the right thing(s) so far in the military and have not gotten promoted and she is doing the wrong things(illegal) and probably will. So, is that fair? Of course not. I think that if I expose it will probably decrease my chances of getting back together with her--but hey, it doesn't look like my chances are that good anyway. One of my strengths and it can be considered a weakness at times is that I carefully consider my decisions about most things and really take my time. I am trying to be logical here, really.

If they just PCS cheaters and move them elsewhere, it really doesn't provide the therapeutic process she needs to address the root of the problem. (Perplexing, actually, that this is the solution... It's almost as short-sighted as moving a pedophile priest to a different parish.)

I don't know, maybe. But she is in a special duty assignment and would have to actually go work out in the Combat Air Force and deploy(she never has). She would have to experience what its like and I think she's due for that.

But the reality is that our taxes support and our children are subject to all kinds of lecherous beasts in the world.

True, but if no one does anything about it then when does it end?

Rock bottom will be to cut her loose. Cheating will no longer be an addiction because there will be no one to cheat on.

Maybe so, but you and I don't know the answer to that. She has already admitted to being an attention addict and will keep going until she self-destructs IMO. I mean, come on, let's be realistic--if she wanted to she could go out every night and not even try and have a different man every night. Guys can't do that without effort. She enjoys the attention and if all the guys want is sex from her then she may give it to them--just thinking here.

But, I really think it will benefit you and your D in the long run if she stays on her career path, makes money, and contributes to D's ivy league education.

She doesn't contribute that much--only about $600 a month in child support so far. I have a college plan for my D.

Good points Lucky and I'm thinking about them. Thanks.

[AFWAW]

Unless outing her will help you get custody...

I think I'm going to have to be realistic about this one--I will probably be the custodial parent but she will probably have joint custody. This won't work well for her though when one of us moves as she will have to provide the money for transportation for D to come and visit.

[AFWAW]

How about if I call OM's wife and let her expose? She's an O-6 Col says the W. She would have a lot more clout than I would. Thoughts on this? Would this keep me in the my W's good graces? Honestly, I'm not that worried about being in her good graces right now anyway.