Newcomer, want to keep my hope alive!

[bugwaterguy]

Hello,

I am a newbie too. I just found out on the evening of April 25th, that my wife had been cheating for a year.

I tried some other things first, but was unsuccessful. I made two big relapses into the neediness and begging part, but I have now decided to move out with a friend for a few days as "The Final Solution". I hope this doesn't drive us further apart. I started withdrawing in the house, but when I thought I had an opening, I moved back too quickly. I set up camp at the back of our property, and that went well. I am leaving for my friend today, but my wife doesn't know yet. I did not tell her in keeping with the strategy

Is this a good idea?

This hurts tremendously, and I need support.

Thanks

[iwantittowork]

I feel for you bugwaterguy, I don't have the A to deal with at this time, so I don't even know what your going through.

Our sitch are different, but try and look to the DR techniques, this has already helped me out. You have to work on you.

Do you have kids at all? I just found out that it could have legal consequences (At least in my state) if you move out on your own, and can be seen as 'abandonment' in a future legal proceeding.

That's kind of shocking to find out, as my W had been asking me to move out, stay with my parents, etc, though I don't know if she knows of the legal jeopardy there, although she has been through a divorce before, and I have not.

[iwantittowork]

Alright, I am in need of serious guidance..

I new this was going to come, but man does it hit hard.

The W just sent me an email, she setup an appt with the D mediator on May 21st, about 2.5 weeks away, then asks if that is ok with me. I have not responded to the email yet.

I want to talk with a L on my own first, so I setup meeting with one on the 15th.

I am not looking to turn this into a battle at all, but want to keep some dignity of my own going into this.

I still want this relationship, but I know that I must let her go, but how do I not be the doormat? What should I give in to? What should I stand my ground on?

This sucks.

[iwantittowork]

Well, ever day is a new day. I made it through last night, with some help by:

Calling someone else, and venting: Spent an hour on the phone on my commute home to just dump, this helped a lot, and I was able to get into my Act as if mode when I got home:

Got home and had fun with my D until bedtime, laughed and played a bit, then paid some bills, sat on the couch and watched 2 1/2 men with the W, and laughed through that, then hit the other TV for some UFC.

This AM I listened to the secret on audio tape on the commute in to work again, I find this helps put me in a positive frame of mind, and to focus on myself in a good way.

So, today started out smoothly given all that has happened in the past few weeks, got to focus on GAL this week, in prep for this weekend with my D.

Anyone with tips on how to stop dreading being alone on the weekends, while my my W is out gallivanting around? I know I can't focus on what she is doing AT ALL, but man that is tough to do.

[bugwaterguy]

Hello again,

It is very hard right now to not be needy. My wife cheated on my and has shown no interested in changing herself. I know I need to live with that, but it is very difficult. I also just read "The Five Love Languages" and realized that I have been speaking the wrong love language. She wants Material Gifts, and I hate shopping. I am wondering if I should buy her things with no strings attached, or would that seem desperate? My wife has said she is now very unsure of my ability to change because of my slip-up into neediness and saying I needed to get out. I think she would appreciate a material gift and see it as change, but I am not sure.

Help!

[bugwaterguy]

What Divorce Remedy techniques are you using?

I am trying to do a 180 by not always asking her what she wants, and not whining about my needs. I did that for a few days, then had a huge slip-up, which set us back tremendously.

I am also going to try approaching her with a different "Love Language"

[iwantittowork]

I am no expert, bugwaterguy, but you may want to create a story for yourself in the Infidelity sections.

Also, Update your signature, like I have done with mine, with your basic information, and a link to your story, and you hopefully will get some more experienced DB's commenting on it..

As for the love languages stuff, I would not be buying her new things, that just looks like your trying to cling/persuade her to stay.

You should think about the DB Coaching as well, my first session I had was very well worth it.

You need to focus on you first right now, and get away from the resentment, depression, needy feelings, etc, as that will come across to your W, even if you say nothing.

Look at the "Act as If" as well, that has been a help to me, although it looks like I am on the fast track to separation right now..

[iwantittowork]

Wednesday, I got a deep massage to try and help my back problem, and that has 'changed' it somewhat. It still hurts, but any change in the way it feels is new to me, and maybe on to something that will help.

Anyone reading this looking for some pampering for yourself, I recommend it, spend a little on yourself, I felt good afterwards!

Thursday, I met with a new C to try and work on myself, it always seems I have a lot of work to do, but I have to start somewhere, so will be going back in 1.5 weeks for another meeting.

My sitch at home has not changed much at all, although my W seems somber and unhappy all the time at home, we rarely speak, and when we do, she seems to be the one that ends it first, no matter how quickly I try and be the one that ends the conversation.

I actually felt pretty good yesterday, but when I got home and started to play with my D, it all just hit me again. Man knowing we are going to be splitting up soon and just looking at her current angelic face is killing me. I never let her know I am hurting about it, she is such a good kid, she is going to have a rough time..

I still need to make more plans for myself, and my D on weekends, I need to be away more and more mysterious. The GAL plan needs some more improvements.

We'll see how this weekend goes, the function at my D school could be tough, but I'll act as if, and go on no matter what happens.

[song]

I was putting some things on our calendar last night, and saw that she had new appointments set up to get a breast enhancement done. She had been talking about this for the past few months, and I was shocked when it came up then. Is this part of an MLC? Do I have MLC+WAW, or maybe they just go together?

I didn't say anything about that, but I know that got my anxiety up, and I slipped up later and asked again if she had an OM. She flipped on me, and told me she doesn't need any men in her life.

Puppy, excuse me for plagiarism, but this seems like script

Getting a breast enhancement done as she leaves a relationship, and doesn't need any men in her life? Flipping out when you ask if there is an OM? Sound pretty odd to me.

Unless the OM is an OW... just sayin', you watch 2 1/2 men, and you know how that story line started out with Judith...

[robx]

Last night was one of the worst nights, I came home from work, having stopped to grab 'yes man' to watch, put my daughter to bed, and then started the movie, when my W informed me she was getting a mediator, so that we could get things split up, and then I could move out.

I told her that I didn't want to move out, but that she was free to leave whenever she wanted. I maintained my coolness throughout the conversation, but she went absolutely balastic, and said the most hateful things I have ever heard her say. Luckily, I was able to just ignore those, after working on reading everything that has been written here, and the current place I am in.

I told her, I took responsibility for all of the things I have done wrong, that I was not being hateful or spiteful, but that I was also not the one that wanted to split up the family.

I thought I was calm and collected, but we had not noticed that my daughter was still awake, and she was crying in bed. That was the most awful thing that I have ever done to her. We were able stop, and just support our daughter until she fell asleep.

I had to go in the garage and cry my heart out for about 1/2 hour.

This morning, I am resolved, I love my W much, but that she is free to leave, but that I will not be a doormat on the way out, but I will also not be spiteful. We won't do that in front of our daughter again. She will probably get a lawyer, and because I am the father they will probably get what they want in the end, but I won't just roll over and walk out, leaving my daughter to feel it's me that has given up on this family.

Oddly, the W went out for coffee this morning, and brought me back one as well.

Every point above that I put in bold,
everything excellent.

You are correct, she feels like she has the power in this relationship and as such she wants to use you as a doormat. It's possible that she is used to this behavior during your relationship, running over you, getting her way, using you as a doormat, etc.

Be strong with her and be calm. Let her get angry, in fact smile when she does, it's her throwing a temper tantrum and acting like a kid.

When she argues with you the next time (and it will happen), try this. Stop her, put your hands up and tell her to wait a second and then tell her this

"I will not reward your childish, bratty behavior with my attention. If you want to talk, you can talk to me in a calm manner and let me know when you choose to do so but I have neither the time or interest to stand and listen to you throw a temper tantrum. I'm not your door mat to be walked all over and truthfully, you are very unattractive when you argue and I don't want to look at you"

And then walk away, go for a drive, go to the store, go somewhere she can't follow you.

Do this repeatedly everytime she gets angry and cut her off.

Her balistic response was exactly what my wife gave me when I went through the same thing, a friend told me to do this (he went through the same thing) and it totally shocked my wife.

As for the courts and lawyer ganging up you because you're a man and she's a woman. Stop thinking like that.

Lawyers aren't free, let her spend the money and get one. Separate your bank accounts, get your paycheque deposited into a different account and make sure she can't access it. My wife spent a ton of dough until I put a stop to it.

It's 2009, assuming that your wife is going to take you to the cleaners is the wrong assumption. This isn't the 1980's, the courts argue in favor of the children's best interests, not the wife's or husbands. Tell her upfront, she can leave & move out, in fact you offer to help move her out, pack her things,etc. Also tell her that you will also petition for full or joint custody of the children, don't worry about the details of how this would be achieved and how you would manage it, it hasn't happened yet.

You need to establish with her that you won't coil up into the fetal position on the kitchen floor and wait for a beating. Stand up for yourself, show her that you love & respect yourself and that you won't tolerate her behavior towards you and that you aren't afraid to let go of the people in your life who don't love & respect you and be real about it when you say this to her. If you're fake or uncertain, she will see this like a shark who smells blood. You are establishing that you won't give in to her demands, that you will remain a strong man throughout this entire process regardless of the end result and you do this not only for yourself and your self-esteem (which is the number 1 reason) but you also do this to set an example for your children because they learn by example not by what you tell them and they will learn that when they grow up and find themselves in a similar predicament, that they will remember that they love & respect themselves enough to let go of the people that treat them poorly.

I would not have believed that any of this would have worked last year. I'm still separated but my wife is a different person to me because I don't tolerate crap behavior from her anymore. Setting boundaries and showing people you respect yourself does get through after a while, it's a slow process but it does get communicated through those angry thick skulls.

And if you have to cry, take a drive somewhere and find a dark parking lot and do it there. Don't ever cry when you are at home around your wife, she will view it as a weakness and exploit it - she's in a different mindset right now and not liking you a whole lot, when you cry around her, regardless of the reason, she will view you as weak and it will be another thing that drives her from you.

I'm sure she is currently very cruel to you, says harsh things, get angry quickly and tries to walk all over you like you are human doormat. Stop being that doormat. Expect a whole bunch of $hit behavior from her towards you for a very long time before it changes to something more pleasant. This is a slow process, very slow.

Let me know how things are going and if you have any questions on this. Again excellent on telling her to move out and that you won't, you don't have to, alot of guys assume that they should, the assumption is wrong, you don't have to and if I were you, I wouldn't.

Be a strong man.