Charlie Brown Update

[Bagheera]

Howdy CB;

The below is something I wrote some time ago, but is important for -all men- to remember in approaching their wives for sex.

Because our male testosterone levels are very high compared to women, sex (for most of us), is never very far "under the surface:" all it takes is a covert peak down our wife's blouse, watching her sway as she walks into the kitchen, or a touching smile on her face, for the desire for sex to strike us. And it's hard for us to remember that women aren't the same way. Women have much lower testosterone levels, and require significantly more MENTAL stimulation in order to spark that sometimes elusive -desire- for sex: this is especially true for mothers with children, who all too often get stuck in "Mommy-Mode" and have become very detached from their "Sexy-Wife-Mode." If you want to successfully spark her desire for you, you have to be smart, and mentally build her up to it.

I see four basic 'models' that husbands follow in initiating sex with their wives, some of which work better than others:

(1) The Indirect Approach: commonly used by oft-rejected, insecure husbands. This method usually takes the form of an indirect question such as "Are you tired tonight?" This leaves the woman having to first 'mind read' and figure out the question behind the question, and promptly puts the initiation 'ball' in her court without warning or warm-up. It's a turn-off for her, and rarely works.

(2) The Hand-Off: this is a more direct question, such as "Wanna go upstairs?" While certainly better than (1) it still plops the initiation 'ball' in her court without warning or warm-up, and can still be a turn-off, or more properly stated, it isn't a turn-on. Sometimes this works, and sometimes it doesn't.

(3) Seduction: Recognizing that women frequently need time and motivation to warm-up to the idea of making love that night, men should begin their seduction that morning, by emotionally connecting with their wives in non-sexual ways. Build up that connection throughout the day, and once the kids are off to bed, make those connections more sexual, i.e. more seductive. Be confident, and don't be in a hurry -- let her savor the warm-up period. For the husband in a sex-starved marriage, the above is very difficult to do. It means taking a risk, and making himself quite vulnerable to rejection yet again. But if you can find the confident nerve to do it, it will yield far better results for you than approaches (1) or (2).

Most women are content with seduction, but there are a few who would like their husbands to go a step further, and a bit 'darker' on occasion.

(4) Taking Her: even ignoring some initial resistance or refusal. Doing this requires a DEEP bond of trust between husband and wife, and some careful pre-arrangement: as SillyOldBear points out, this does get you into 'rape' territory, and BOTH partners need to feel protected and safe in the arrangement.

Three things are a MUST in order to use (4), and need to be discussed openly outside of the bedroom:

(a) The wife must approve of and verbally consent to this form of approach for her husband. In most cases, it really ought to be the wife's idea to pursue this in the first place, NOT the husband's. Thus, permission is indeed given, but well outside of the act.

(b) A safe-word must be established, usually silly, easy to remember, short (usually two-syllable), and completely unrelated to anything in the bedroom: such as "French Toast!" If at any point in the process the wife uses this safe-word, it means GAME OVER -- STOP IMMEDIATELY: i.e. permission is removed. In addition, any particular 'hard' boundaries need to be openly discussed and agreed to ahead of time (i.e. "Never do XXXX to me").

(c) Trust. The wife must be able to trust that her husband, at ALL TIMES, will respect her boundaries and monitor her physical (and mental) safety --> if the safe-word is used, or even if it isn't but he still feels like a boundary has been potentially crossed, then he stops immediately...period. The husband must trust his wife to monitor herself and inform him immediately if a boundary is approached: he is trusting her to keep them BOTH within the acceptable limits.

As I said, this is an exploration of the 'darker side' of human sexuality, and isn't for everyone. For most women, they're probably better off with this just as a fantasy, and it is not something they would want to adopt in their actual relationship. I definitely WOULD NOT recommend it for a strained relationship, where the bond of trust and the emotional connection between husband and wife are both weak. This ONLY works for a couple with a strong emotional connection and a very high degree of trust between them.

I also recognize that (4) is a very politically-incorrect topic to even bring up, so hopefully I've covered it in a responsible manner.

Best regards,

Bagheera