No, I think it's to be expected. When my wife came to ME two years ago this August, after 3 months of hell-bent steadfast refusal to end her affair, and begged me to take her back, tearful and remorseful . . . I was NOWHERE near prepared emotionally or intellectually for that.
We work so hard at DEtachment, that I don't think we let our heads and hearts think about "RE-tachment" sometimes, LOL.
I still love her and I'm still physically attracted to her and if you've read bits & pieces of this thread in the past, we have been sexually active with each other these past few months.
However there are days when I don't want anything to do with her, that is detachment at work. Being apart for so long it's easy to put the brakes on and say "begone with you & your behavior, I want none of it!" (I don't actually talk like that but if I was a king, I probably would sound like that LOL!)
Does it sound ignorant of me to say that I'm kind of dumbfounded at this point?
Kind of like the dog that finally catches a squirrel.
You need to be prepared to have a dialouge on what needs to be resolved on both sides. How you are going to communicate better in the future. How you will monitor progress. What behavior that has been unhealthy needs to changed. Describe to each other what this new, better, stronger, wiser and healthier M will look like. Plus all the logistical issues. Be prepared for setbacks, misunderstandings, and some repeat behavior. All that you learned will still be valid in piecing. You can handle it. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I don't have physical proof of an affair on her part but there are too many signs/signals to dismiss that it didn't happen.
I've brought it up with her and she denies it - and apparently that's standard behavior (deny, deny and deny some more).
I don't bust her hard on it but I told her that I need her to be honest with me. I won't label her as a cheater and I can forgive her but she has to come clean with me on this. I told her it doesn't define her as a person, I can understand that it was a bad decision on her part and people do make bad decisions.
Everytime I bring this up, she denies it. (I don't make it a point to bring it up every 5min. of every day but sometimes a conversation will go into a specific direction that opens up to this type of question).
Here's the catch, a day or two later after I bring this topic up, she does something nice for me. It's almost like a guilty reaction, I'm almost tempted to start logging the reactions based on my inquiries into this - it's damn near scientific at this point. Do this, observe this reaction, Repeat.
And yes, I can love her despite the fact that she may have had an emotional or physical affair with another man.
But I need honesty in my life, no more lies, no more bull$hit, no more second guessing, no more assumptions that everything is ok when it isn't.
When you spend enough time separated, doing research on this DB'ing, testing techniques, speaking to people, learning so much about human psychology, etc, You become aware of an entirely new world that you were previously naive about.
You become aware of an entirely new world that you were previously naive about.
That door swings both ways. Love, compassion, forgiveness, faith, hope, empathy, truth, honesty, humbleness and devotion are also very eye-opening. Don't sell yourself or your W short. You are capable of amazing things. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Thanks Coach, going through this process has pretty much proven to me that I'm capable of amazing things, in fact I'm pretty sure I have more untapped potential waiting to be discovered & realized.
I don't have physical proof of an affair on her part but there are too many signs/signals to dismiss that it didn't happen.
I've brought it up with her and she denies it - and apparently that's standard behavior (deny, deny and deny some more).
I don't bust her hard on it but I told her that I need her to be honest with me. I won't label her as a cheater and I can forgive her but she has to come clean with me on this. I told her it doesn't define her as a person, I can understand that it was a bad decision on her part and people do make bad decisions.
Everytime I bring this up, she denies it. (I don't make it a point to bring it up every 5min. of every day but sometimes a conversation will go into a specific direction that opens up to this type of question).
Here's the catch, a day or two later after I bring this topic up, she does something nice for me. It's almost like a guilty reaction, I'm almost tempted to start logging the reactions based on my inquiries into this - it's damn near scientific at this point. Do this, observe this reaction, Repeat.
Anyone else observe this from spouse that denies an affair (Physical or Emotional), a guilty reaction to the question asking them whether or not they did have an affair when that spouse is making an attempt come back and work on the relationship?
another update, haven't been on the site for quite some time.
My wife asked me out, she wants to go on a real date with me next week. I told her I had a place already in mind, funny thing was we both named the same restaurant at the same time, somewhere we both haven't been yet - that was kind of a funny moment, both smiled a bit because of it.
Things are going good, I'm not reading more into it than just a date but she does bring up the relationship talk more & more.
As for the date, I will just relax & have fun.
Things are doing well at my end, work is super busy, kids are both in soccer so a few evenings each week are already spoken for, the weekends are always busy: always stuff to do with the kids and my wife has been asking if she can participate more when they're with me and I agree, the kids enjoy it when we do things as a family and my wife has been keeping her temper tantrums to a minimum lately so I don't mind her company either. Plus when she's over, she helps me out at home a bit by doing stuff with me as I don't need her to do it for me, I'm perfectly capable as is and don't need a servant (ie. helping me with folding & putting away laundry, cleaning the kid's rooms, making supper, etc.)
Nothing more to say than it's been good & fun lately with her, not too much drama and she sure calls & texts alot more lately as well.
I haven't brought up her PA or EA, that's not to say that I won't because I do want honesty in this area. If something happened and I believe it did, I want her to own up to it. I won't brand her as a cheater for life, I won't label her as someone bad but like I said, honesty is important with me as well as communication & being open.
I hope everyone out there is doing well, keep your chin up, focus on improving yourself and having a great life, whichever way things go in your life, they will happen in a positive way if you are living a positive, happy life and take care of yourself.
I know this was posted awhile ago...but YES! I am feeling this too:
"Is anyone else seeing this finally during their separation from their spouses? You shouldn't be wanting things to go back to how they were. How they were is what you led you to this point in your life right now."
IT feels good to finally feel this way.
P.S. I am spending WAY too much time following robx's story...it is like a good book...i can't put it down!
