Desperate for direction

[AnotherNightmare]

6,

Listen to what Sandi wrote. I know how angry you are. I have been in your exact situation. But if you want to save your M, do not let your anger control your actions. Try to be the most understanding husband you can be. Try to help her through this.

AN

[Doingitright]

She is an addict and a compulsive liar. I just said last night to her that I trusted her to do things. It just needed to move slow so I can gain all the trust back.

Then she stabs me in the back the very next day. I swear every time we have made progress of 1 step in the right direction we have taken a mile long step backward. I was just starting to think this will be a great mothers day weekend.

I just finished my session with the DB coach and he and I were so proud of the progress thus far. The indications that she was giving seemed very positive. Now I am back to square one deciding if it is all worth it.

I loved her very much at the beginning of this process but these repeated lies are killing me. Even if this was an innocent email...it is the only one that was caught. Who knows what emails were missed or if it even stopped. They are so stupid as she is sending him the emails at work. They are going to kill to families in one fell swoop. Truely sad. Now all I am thinking about is how good I can make my case to keep the kids.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

How bad was the e-mail? Is it possible that he is pursuing HER, and she's trying (however badly) to end it?

I'm a big advocate in these situations of deciding AHEAD OF TIME just how many "strikes" you are going to grant. (One, but only if she self-confesses it? One, if even YOU catch HER? Two? More??) That way, you don't have to decide in the heat of the angry moment.

Puppy

[Doingitright]

It was a few since Monday. The day of our MC. All seem pretty innocent but she also uses her crackberry to send via various email accounts she has scattered about and facebook. Today's was her to him to show him how talented she is at sewing (her business). The business that has been built up for 4 years plus. I complimented her on the very same curtains she shot him a picture of, in saying she has an amazing talent and gift and the curtains looked great. To which she got red faced and said I know I am a talented sewer but it is not enjoyable any longer and I do not want to continue sewing. She just had a portfolio done of all her work. And scanned it and was putting descriptions to it the day before the compliment. I am no contemplating not saying anything about what I found through the software. Irony is I was going i to delete the damn stuff after our discussion last night and there it was staring me in the face.

[Doingitright]

You are right. I have to practice what I learned. Act like I didn't see the email. Be better than him. It is just so hard to be lied to and then she acts as if nothing is wrong. I may have to post over the weekend to get through it. I have to make it through to our MC meeting on Monday where the topic will be trust. This was at her request. Everyone have a great weekend.

[sandi2]

62906………I have had to ask God to help me know what to say to you. My heart hurts now as I read about your pain b/c I know that is how my H felt toward me. You see, “trust” was the one precious thing we had that we did not think anything or anyone could ever take that away from us. They didn’t. I “gave” it away. I “broke” it. I did not take care of it b/c I wasn’t even thinking about all of that while I was in the middle of playing around in an area I had never been before. I look back and wonder “why”…..why did I not just stop and think about what I was doing?? Had I lost my mind? What was happening to me? I still do not know--after all this time. How much I wish I could tell you and explain to you what is going on, but I don’t know how. I won’t insult your intelligence and say she is in a state of insanity and doesn’t know what she is doing. She does know what she is doing and she is not insane, but neither is she really thinking or using her mind like she usually would, either. I do not believe she is being who she truly is……the woman you know. I was not the real person I know that I am when I was involved with the OM over the computer. At that time, I didn’t know “who” I was anymore. I was so confused and mixed up and didn’t know what to do. But I doubt I could have convinced my H of that fact.

Do you know I tried three times to tell the OM good-bye and each time he silver-talked his way right back into my life? Every time I tried to do it, I caved. Finally, I just stopped emailing him. I stopped all contact. He sent two short emails and when I did not answer, he stopped! So, that showed me how serious his so-called “love” for me had been! However, it was a blessing for me that he did not pursue me, or decide to stalk me or do whatever to torment me and my family. I remember one of the posters telling me if I ever backslid that it would be much harder the next time around. How true I believe that is.

I thought Puppy made a good point, b/c if you can somehow pull back from your pain for a bit and think about a person who is truly addicted to drugs or alcohol; you would probably be able to be more understanding. The reason is b/c your heart would not be affected in the same way. It is the infidelity of her heart and that you feel she has been unfaithful to you. If she was addicted to drugs or alcohol, she would lie to you, and rob from you and anything else that she had to do to get her “fix”. All you have to do is watch that TV show, “Intervention” and see how families have their guts pulled out by the addict and how the entire extended family has been affected by this one person who could not handle their addiction. I know from experience that EA's are like a drug. I was addicted and couldn't understand it until after I found my way here to this board.

In a way, you were set up. You set yourself up. By that, I am talking about this weekend. You had imagined how wonderful this Mother’s Day weekend was going to be and now your hopes and dreams have been shattered. But, did any of us tell you that she was healed? Did your therapist, DB coach, counselor or anyone tell you that she was healed from the crisis? NO!!! But, you are behaving as if you thought she was. And, how dare her to choose Mother's Day to have a backslide and seek a "fix" for her addiction! Why, she hardly deserves to be called a "mother"......right?

Can you see how you may be thinking that? You said, “What kind of mother is she?” Man, does that bring back very hurtful memories for me. You see, I argued with Puppy and some more about whether or not to expose affairs b/c as a mother, that was my greatest nightmare was for my children to discover what had happened. My children are grown but their respect and honor for me is my greatest treasure. Do you know how badly I have beat myself up and cursed myself to hell and back b/c of what I did to ruin my track record in their eyes? Do you know what I live with wondering what they would think of me if they knew? Did I ever think about those consequences one time during my crazy days playing with the OM like I was some teenager? NO! Why? I DON’T KNOW, I WISHED TO GOD I DID KNOW B/C THEN I COULD TELL YOU AND MAYBE IT WOULD HELP SOMEBODY!

Would you feel the same way if I told you she was sick? Oh, I can hear the groans of so many LBH’s who will say that is just an excuse and adults are responsible for their actions. I agree! But, I am still asking the question. If she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, how would you deal with her actions? You see, it is your heart and your pride and ego that is so broken and you can’t think much better than how she is thinking at the moment.

I want you to know that I am not “defending” her in the way that says I think it is okay what she is doing. Not for one second! I am trying to explain that when two people really love each other--that the stronger person has to recognize that love is the foundation for everything worth living for and dying for. (Man, that sounds pretty good....like I got it out of a book or something....but I didn't. I learned it.)

You are that stronger person right now. You have to be for the sake of your family. The problem is that you feel--not only betrayed and broken, but you are very angry. You have every right to be! You have been done very wrong by the woman you married and who is the mother of your children. What I am asking you is……can you step outside of that hurt and anger and be the bigger and stronger part of the marriage?

I once described my best friend as the person who looked at all my ugliness and could still love me. I did not know until I had had that EA that that is exactly what my H did. He saw me at my very worst and he chose to still love me. I don’t know how he did it. Did I immediately appreciate him for what he had done? Absolutely not! I didn’t even like him. I did not want to be around him. It took me a long time and it took reading posts from LBH’s such as yourself that finally opened my stubborn eyes to see the prize before me. God had truly given me a jewel and I had mistreated him so badly. But I cannot stress enough to you that it took a long time for me to heal.

You thought your wife was ready to be who she used to be this weekend. For all we know, it scared her and sent her reeling. I don’t know. I just remember how fragile I was after the EA and at times I felt as if I was suffocating or that I was going to take off running and screaming and never stop. I did not know what was happening to me and it was very scary. Things of that nature take time to get over if you don't have professional help. I did not have professional counseling. I was on a lot of medication and I was given AD's.

You said you did not know if it was worth it……or did you say that you did not know if she was worth it? Well, how valuable is she to you and to those children? Would you give your life for her? In one breath you said you loved her and in the next breath you were looking into how you could get your children.

I hope and pray that this weekend you will not do anything or say anything that you will wish some day that you could take back. Just try to get through it, okay? Yes, it will be hard b/c Mother’s Day is an “emotional” day anyway. But try to set aside those fantasies you had in your mind about what you “thought” this weekend would be and just focus on getting through it. Please, please do not confront her this weekend about anything. Don’t leave bad memories about Mother’s Day for your children. Can you do that for their sakes?

Before I read the news of her backsliding, I had wanted to tell you that my H agreed never to bring up the OM to me or talk about the EA. That took a great weight off my shoulders and allowed me to work through the stuff I needed to work through. As I felt myself heal and grow, I could mention a few things to him, but I did not want to talk about the OM b/c it kept him alive in our lives and I did not want that. So, unless the professionals say to talk about OM……I would not advise you to do so. He was only the result of the problem that exsisted.

You will probably have to play things by ear, such as the appointment with the counselor (or whoever) that you two were to discuss “trust” issues. I don’t think this is the time b/c she can’t handle it right now. It would all be nothing more but a huge “guilt trip” laid on her (as she would see it) and she would probably take off. She may not be ready to have another meeting soon, but then again, it depends on her and how things go between the two of you………and as bad as I hate to tell you……between her and OM.

Gosh this is so hard and you have no earthly idea how badly I want to say some magic words that will get you to hang in there a while longer. But I don’t have those words. I don’t know what they are except for “love” and right now, you feel that your wife has made your love pretty cheap. However, YOU can make it strong and powerful! So, you have a lot to think about the next few days. Again, I pray that you will not make any decisions for a while……please. Also, I hope that you will continue to come here. Don’t call it quits with us, okay? When we take in a new person, we kind of make them like family…….so we are going to worry about you and your family if you just leave and never come back.

My prayers are with you. God will give you more strength than you ever believed was possible……if you will allow Him to.

Sandi

[mulesqb]

Sandi-your two posts on this thread are the most incredible I have read. Probably because they have given me an understanding that I just couldn't see on my own.

6-please take Sandi's posts seriously. I am telling you that your sitch is a clone of mine. I'm you 1 year from now. I would give anything to go back and give it a shot knowing what Sandi posted. Even if it meant dealing with all the pain again. Where I am sucks. You may not be able to see it because of your anger. I've been there bro, trust me. Ask Puppy, Phoenix, FIB, Coach, Bworl and others. But Sandi is providing some unbelievable stuff here for you.

So pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back in the game. With no expectations. With unconditional love. With Strength and Honor. Make sure you've done everything you can. It's worth it bro. You don't want to be me-trust me on that one.

I'm praying for you.

Tough times don't last, tough people do.

Sandi-you're remarkable.

[Doingitright]

Sandi
It is hard to type through all the tears. You have touched my mind heart and soul with you words. I prayed for strength and help. God used you as his instrument to deliver help to me. I cannot put into words how much you have helped me.

I did not say anything. And will not. I will read your posts every time I need strength to get through. God bless you and your family.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Sandi,

You obviously have a gift. I hope you know what a blessing you are to others.

Puppy

[Doingitright]

Update...the weekend went quite well. I washed all the bad thoughts away as well and as often as I could. We joked and kidded around. She was profoundly sad from
the moment the moms day flowers arrived until Sunday morning. She curled up on the bed and stayed there for 2 hours or more. The kids and I rotated in and out of the room to comfort her. The said she was depressed and sad. I asked if i could help and she said no ot right now. She went out Friday nite with her freind and kept talking about how much fun she had laughing all night.

Sunday was another big day as we all enjoyed giving her gifts. The kids werereally bothered by her needing to run in the morning and not being able to make her breakfast before church. After much prodding she agreed to have a bowl of cereal as a family before she went running.


I have so many questions running through my mind.