I hear you when you say it is about Dan, not about us. He does need individual counseling. He needs to figure out why he wakes up every day wanting to die (his words), why he has given up any chance of ever being happy (his words), etc.
The thing is, if he was happy with his lifestyle, I don't think he would feel those things. He might feel a lot of guilt for marrying me and bringing kids into the situation, but he wouldn't feel those other extremes, IMO.
And I know you are not religious, Ali, so I don't think we can see this the same way. I cannot say, "Ok, you can view porn and x, y, z on certain occasions but we have to have boundaries." I cannot accept that. I understand that you and others don't take porn/sex as an addiction seriously. But I found a site that explains from a wife's point of view the toll this takes on marriages...
It is how I feel. If my husband is 'addicted'--use a different word if it makes you more comfortable, like obsessed, compulsive, etc...Anyway if he is so overwhelmed by pornography and sex, then he can't have it 'sometimes' or 'just a little'. I cannot accept that.
Yes, I do accept Dan as my husband, as the man I love. But I cannot be accepting of the things he does that drive a wedge between us and rob us of the intimacy and connection we should have. If I accept them, then it will just be a matter of time before we go down that slippery slope again.
