Yes, I'm a regular reader over at the affairs forum, and I've learned some good stuff.


Quote:

Shes probably grieving for that OM relationship. I know its disgusting.


It is so nice to hear that come from someone else!

I've never directly discussed the situation with our friend. At first she really closed down to me because she didn't feel she could maintain a loyalty to both me and my W, but ever since the affair died, she has been very friendly to me. In fact, all my W's friends have been super nice to me ever since my W's affair ended, which kind of threw me for a loop at first. I'm not really sure what's going on there.

I'm very resistant to discussing the OM with our friend, because I've essentially refused to acknowledge their R, as per DBing rules. Besides, I pretty much know what she was getting from her affair. It was a fantasy, removed from all the stress points in our life, kids, money, house issues, lifestyle negotiations, etc. She was complaining about everything in her life, and he was giving her the validation that it's all my fault, and that she's just a victim, and she deserves so much better, and she shouldn't settle for less than what she wants, etc. As he told her everything she wanted to hear, she became convinced that he was everything she wanted, and I was a drag on her life that needed to be cut loose. The biggest thing I've learned from her affair is that she wants to be HEARD, and to know her needs and wants are given real importance, and to feel totally safe expressing her dreams about life. I will be the first to admit I failed in that regard in the past.

I've maintained a very clear position that I've moved on with my life, and as far as my W knows, I've accepted the fact that we're getting a D. In fact, I've told her in no uncertain terms that I'd prefer to D her sooner rather than later, and that the only reason I'm not suing her for divorce is because of money and health insurance reasons. That was said back when the affair was going strong, and I wanted to send her a CLEAR message that I'm not sticking around while she's with another man. When the affair died so quickly, I was thrown back into limbo, by my own choice, but my W might not know that, even though I'm certainly much more open and friendly to her now. I do wonder if I should tell my W that my position has changed, but I don't know if I can do that until she shows me some remorse! Sometimes it feels like a silly game we're playing, except the stakes are so terribly high.