Pretty much, Pastor said he is cake-eating, for the most part. He gets to have family time, he gets to present the father/husband front to the community by doing things like going to church with me, taking the kids out to eat together, coming to Sydney's birthday party, etc etc.
But he also gets almost total freedom. When he isn't here, who knows what he is doing and who he is with?
However Pastor said he is also lost. He said he could tell that looking at Dan in church. They way he reacted nonverbally during various sermons, they way he won't meet the pastor's eyes when we shake hands as we leave, things like that. He said he knew something was 'off' with Dan before I ever came in to talk...
So, he said, Dan has already ended the marriage. He ended it *when he gave himself to another woman (women) *when he moved out of the marital home (family home, whatever you want to call it) *when he stopped being intimate with me
He said those are very big indicators, esp. the lack of intimacy. Because men his age don't just decide to be celibate, something usually fills the void.
His advice was, "Give him one more chance to state, clearly, whether he wants to be in the marriage or not". In other words, if he says he wishes he could, but he doesn't know if we can, if he says he can't take the risk right now, etc etc, then he isn't choosing the marriage. Even if he says he knows he will miss me, etc etc....if he cannot say Yes, I want our marriage, then, he doesn't want our marriage. {That is not to say that later he won't realize he f'ed up. It just means that he isn't there at this point. But I would still file.}
What would it take for me to believe he chooses me? For him to say, "I choose you." I believe he should move back home if he wants us to be together. Because if he is truly addicted to sex/porn, being off on his own lends itself to him continuing to act on those impulses. Not that he couldn't do it if he lived here, but if he really wanted to stop, it would give him more support. So I would want him to move in.
Bare minimum to keep me from filing? *Say he does want to spend the rest of his life with me. I don't have time for 'let's try and see'...
*Admit that he has a problem with porn/sex/fidelity/whatever. There is obv. something wrong inside of him for this to happen
*Agree to counseling with a Christian counselor, individual for sure, couples at some point, and i would like it to be our pastor at least in part.
*Transparency in phone and internet records, emails, credit card statements, etc etc
*Agreement/desire that down the road a ways, when we have tackled these issues, we will re-commit our marriage/renew vows. That is essential to me, but I would want some counseling/problem solving before then or they would just be token vows.
So, I want it all. And I doubt I will get it all. But it is what I want.
