Newly separated...spouse left, 3rd thread

[antlers]

Strength and wisdom to know what God is telling me? Strength and wisdom to know His will for me, and to see it through?

YES!!!!

Look I know absolutely what you are going through as far as S and D. It sux...

My W has told me at least six times in the last two years it's over, the last time being a week ago (btw I know she means it also). The thing is she still hasn't filed even though she has the papers...AND we (the family) are going out for M-day. I'm telling you this because you need to judge her by her actions NOT words. It takes a lot mentally to actually file the D, it's "easy" to say your going to do it, it's hard to actually do. So while like you I think my W is going to file I'm prepared if she does or doesn't because either way my life is going to be ok.

So I should pray for God to give me strength and wisdom to know His will for me and see it through? I've been doing that. Haven't had an epiphany though! Kinda disappointing too!

Yep...it does suck! I know there are others here who are hurting too...many others. Lots of them have it worse than others too...especially those dealing with infidelity. That's just sorry!

I'm glad that you guys are still able to at least spend some time together. I'd give anything to be able to do that. Except for my kids, I feel like I'm alone on the planet. She seemed pretty darned resolute the last time I talked to her regarding us! I know actions speak louder than words...but her words hit hard, like a sledgehammer! I hope she doesn't do it. I guess I'm not prepared if she does file, because I'm not at the place where I know my life is gonna be OK if she does file.

[antlers]

volleydog wrote..."I'm telling you this because you need to judge her by her actions NOT words. It takes a lot mentally to actually file the D, it's "easy" to say your going to do it, it's hard to actually do."


I'll try to remember that! Thanks.

[antlers]

In a business book by James C. Collins called Good to Great, Collins writes about a conversation he had with Stockdale regarding his coping strategy during his period in the Vietnamese POW camp.[3]

"I never lost faith in the end of the story, I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade."[4]

When Collins asked who didn't make it out, Stockdale replied:

"Oh, that’s easy, the optimists. Oh, they were the ones who said, 'We're going to be out by Christmas.' And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they'd say, 'We're going to be out by Easter.' And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart."[5]

Stockdale then added:

"This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”[6]

Witnessing this philosophy of duality, Collins went on to describe it as the Stockdale Paradox.

Stockdale spent 7 years as a POW. Enduring much worse physical, emotional, psychological stress than we can imagine. Faith is what keeps you going, he had no idea what was being done on his behalf - wife, military, government yet he stayed true to his values regardless. Faith that you come out the other side as a better man. Then confronting the reality allows you come up with a plan to cope. Doesn't mean you don't have fear but that you are handling it. Expectations over things you had no control over literally killed the "optimists."
I had no idea how my sitch would turn out but I knew what was at stake and that I would take action to persevere and thrive under a stressful situation. I did not get to that point right away, I had to go thru my emotions and deal with my issues first. I did it for myself, my W, and my family. How I handled myself mattered to me.
Cheers

Thanks Coach! Let me ponder this some more...then I'll respond later.

[antlers]

By the way, you said in another post to another poster, "Don't stop with anything she will let you do in showing affection b/c it takes those baby steps in getting back to normal."

I never paid enough attention to special days and special occasions...and since the year began, I have been. I've given her a card with a small gift certificate in it for Valentine's Day, Easter, and her birthday. The cards were generic and had no romantic sentiments in them at all. I just signed my name at the bottom. The kids have been giving them to her when they go over there, and they say she likes them. No big deal, she just says "that's nice." Mother's Day is coming up this weekend. I got the kids a card to give to their mom, along with some candy she likes...should I continue to do what I have been regarding this? And what do you think about what I've been doing? Keep in mind that I was a real idiot regarding special days and special occasions in the past, and sometimes didn't do anything at all.

Thanks to all for input.

[Coach]

What are your W's "Love Languages" (LLs)?

[antlers]

What are your W's "Love Languages" (LLs)?

I haven't gotten there yet Coach. What do you mean by 'love languages'?

[Coach]

It's a book and there are five LLs, most people have two. A LL is what makes you feel loved. The five are: QT - Quality Time, AOS - Acts of Service, PT - Physical Touch, WOA - Words of Affirmation and Gifts. I bet you love on your W with your LLs. The bad part is that is not her LLs. Check it out. It will help you with Mothers Day.

[antlers]

It's a book and there are five LLs, most people have two. A LL is what makes you feel loved. The five are: QT - Quality Time, AOS - Acts of Service, PT - Physical Touch, WOA - Words of Affirmation and Gifts. I bet you love on your W with your LLs. The bad part is that is not her LLs. Check it out. It will help you with Mothers Day.

OK, I've heard of it. Thanks. Interesting!


p.s. I'm still thinking about the Stockdale Principle post.

[fb2]

She blames me for it all, and she's right. I screwed up bad. I do hope for the best. She walked away because of my lack of compassion...that pretty much sums up all of the mistakes and bad decisions that I made. I'm working a lot on compassion...I'm learning that it's the lifeblood of families, and encompasses so much!

Then here's something for you: http://www.dalailama.com/page.166.htm
And are you preparing for the worst?

[antlers]

She blames me for it all, and she's right. I screwed up bad. I do hope for the best. She walked away because of my lack of compassion...that pretty much sums up all of the mistakes and bad decisions that I made. I'm working a lot on compassion...I'm learning that it's the lifeblood of families, and encompasses so much!

Then here's something for you: http://www.dalailama.com/page.166.htm
And are you preparing for the worst?

That's good stuff. Thanks. He says "true compassion is not just an emotional response but a firm committment founded on reason. Therefore, a truly compassionate attitude towards others does not change even if they behave negatively. It is within your power, given patience and time, to develop this kind of compassion."

I'm still kind of numb from the bad phone call on April 30th. No, guess I really haven't prepared for the worst yet. Don't even want to think about it. I know the reality, and graveness, of the situation...I guess I'm just not ready to be there. Sorry!