Thanks. I am looking at your thread now. I have been doing really good working on myself. Lost almost 40 pounds in last 6 months. W has noticed big time and says it every time we see people, family, friends, school bus stop, church, etc. Started going to Dr's to get healthy a year a ago. made through seriously high BP, and kidney problems to get a clean bill of health just after the bomb. Made it through a cancer scare in the last week. (thank God). Starting walking about 2 months ago and I am now running 3 days a week. Wife said she thinks that is great and maybe we can run together once I am leveled off on training. She has been training and running for 6 or 7 months and doing half marathons. She thought it would be a great goal for us to run a half together and have the kids see their parents accomplish it together. Been doing more socializing at church and doing things with neighborhood friends. Although that has slowed in the past few weeks as my social events are tied to the neighborhood guys and their families of which my wife has withdrawn from. Talked last night and I think W is going to see one of the neighbor gal pals sometime today so I think that will be a good thing.
M43 W38 D9 S6 M13 T15 Grenade 01/10/09 1st bomb 03/16/09 2nd bomb 07/22/09 1st thread Desperate for direction
Update...wife just sent note saying neighbor gal friend wanted to catch up as it has been a while since they talked. She said they should do dinner and the guys and kids can get together for dinner and a movie while they are out.
M43 W38 D9 S6 M13 T15 Grenade 01/10/09 1st bomb 03/16/09 2nd bomb 07/22/09 1st thread Desperate for direction
I read your ditch. It is scary. I ran a CYO for 4 years. The W and mirrors is so anoying. She said she saught attention from the EA that she felt she wasn't getting from me. I just can't wrap my head around how I do a 180 on that. She exercises in front of me like she is expecting me to say something. I am also have the 1 step forward 2 steps back happening every day. The problem is you neverget back to where you were. Sitting next to eachother was a big thing. It got to be leaning on me for 2 nights. 2 days later W says sorry when she close to me. Says she wants to figure out how we can become more than room mates with our counselor. I relay it to the MC and tell her I relayed her message and she said she forgot she said that. The request came at the end of a 25 minute call that was all about our situation. That hasn't hapened in 12 weeks. Then last night nothing that we have been doing for weeks happened, not good night, no kiss god night, no holding hands. She did put her arm around me sometime during the night. When I touched her hand she immediatly turned over and faced the other way. It is all so confusing. It is hard to follow plans when it changes daily.
M43 W38 D9 S6 M13 T15 Grenade 01/10/09 1st bomb 03/16/09 2nd bomb 07/22/09 1st thread Desperate for direction
Hello and welcome aboard. I have been reading your thread and I find myself feeling for your wife. It is not that I don't feel for you and the kids, but I was an almost WAW, so I suppose I pick up on some things that I can see that looks familiar to me. Do you mind telling us the ages of you and wife and how long you've been married, and also the ages of the children? It helps to know these things.
The first thing I see in what you wrote is a woman who is very depressed and probably going through what is called a "grieving" period for the OM. It is disgusting to the H to think that she really does this, but it truly happens and how you react to this is important.
Somebody said something about it being scary how she puts herself before the children. I must have missed that post b/c you said in the beginning she chose the family over the EA. I did not see where she was doing anything scary.
I remember how terribly depressed I was and how your wife is acting sounds so much like me. I often tell people that they may have to temporarily take some anti-depression meds. A lot of people don't believe in taking them, but I can tell you that she is going through something she can't use other techniques to pull her out of completely without some help b/c it was a "chemical" in her brain that got her into the EA and therefore she is going to need a medication to help her find herself out again.
Feeling so lost and numb to everything is common for a wife who almost walked away and yet chose to stay in her M. I did not feel attracted to my H at all. But the fact that she said something to you about saying the ILY's sounds like a cry for help. She may not feel all the sexual attraction right now, but I think she needs to be assured that you still love her. After all, you were going to D her b/c of an EA. BTW, how did they communicate? If he lives that far away, it must have been over the computer. So, do you know how she met this OM? Has she ever seen him in person?
An EA is strong b/c it works over-time in a woman's fantasy. Therefore, it is hard to get that out of her mind. It is a battle that she has to fight. But, if she knows she has your support and knows that you are not going to walk out that door and leave her, then she will make it through this. However, please, understand that it takes a long time for her to find her old self and to begin to feel normal again. If she was experiencing MLC, then that adds to the problem.
I know you probably want to wait for her to be the first to make a move toward any signs of affection, but she may feel any number of things right now. She may feel that you don't want her b/c of the EA. She may feel that you are not attracted to her. She may feel that she deserves your punishment plus a whole lot of other things I don't have time to get into. But, to make this shorter, she may be watching your behavior to see if you have any love left for her after what she has done or if you will hold this in front of her face and remind her of her waywardness the rest of her life.
I am sure it cut to the quick when she told you that she did not find you attractive or that she wasn't attracted to you (whichever way it was). That is what is call common "script" for a WAW. B/c you could be Brad Pitt and she would say that if she was in that condition. It is those chemicals that has flooded her mind and brought on all the confusion and self-delusion. Coming down off those "false chemicals" is hard! She has found herself in another type of "crises" and even if she doesn't say it or act like it.......she needs you and her family to stand beside her and help her.
I know I am taking up for her. I am not taking up for the EA, but I know how she is feeling and what she has to face now. She needs a very good therapist and not some nut that will tell her to just go do whatever makes her happy. Both of you need a pro-M counselor and if they are DB counselors, then you've got the best. She probably needs to talk to one by herself until she can get ready to talk with you to a therapist or counselor.
I don't want you to give up on her. I know this has rocked your world and that she doesn't seem to be doing very much about anything right now. Please let me assure you that she is doing all that she can. I know you don't understand, but please just try to be kind and good to her. If she will allow you to give her a kiss (peck) then keep doing it. Don't stop with anything she will let you do in showing affection b/c it takes those baby steps in getting back to normal. If you get all sulled like some men do and think you will wait for her.......then you may be waiting a long time. You have to be gentle with her and almost treat her like a virgin (or maybe like a rape victim) and lead up very, very slowly. I've never used those examples before b/c they sound so extreme, but in a way, she feels like a "victim".
I just have to stop and go to work. I will talk more later. I hope I have not said anything that made you angry b/c I was trying to explain what she is going through. I know you and the kids were/are victims of the EA and I didn't mean to imply that you weren't. I just ran out of time and can't finish right now. I am trying to give some imput from the "other side of the fense" and hope you don't mind. I think she still loves her family and that is why she said an EA wasn't worth it.
Talk to you later, Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 Me 42, W 36, D9 S5, together 15 years,married 12 will be 13 shortly.
Your post was the best information I have received in 12 weeks and hundreds of posts on many different sites to try and get insight and you did it in one post. I actually got choked up reading your message.
I read about the sadness over the loss of the EA and have tried to be there for her. It was and is very hard. We do not talk about it. When I confronted her she said she was so very happy I was not pushing to get all the details. So I left it at that. I have some details from snooping that are burned in my brain and just keep haunting me. Snooping came into play when we said we were getting a D as soon as possible. That train stopped when I returned from a trip. W said she did not want to D and wanted to go to MC for the kids sake.
It has been so hard to do some of the things in DR as I sit back and see many of them pushing her away. A few have tweaked her in a good way however. And for that I am happy.
We did see a regular MC and it went very badly. It took forever to get appoints and then he wrote off the marriage pretty fast when I went. Saying no attraction no marriage. Sent me to a psychiatrist to see if I was depressed and he said nope. W went to the MC and he asked if there were not kids would W still be married, she said nope and relayed that to me very proudly as another reason to separate. He recommended that she see a psychiatrist and gave her a prescription for some "drugs" (W never said what kind) and never got it filled. W was pissed that she was being sent to see a PS and I was cleared of depression to a point of yelling at me with anger. She did not go. After that night we went into a tail spin for several weeks.
Right now she has said several times that she has anxiety over going to the MC. She said he asks hard questions and she worries about what to say. She asked if I wanted to go by my self and I said no, we were in this together. W said good as she would not feel comfortable with me talking about her privately with him. It would give her even more anxiety.
Our current (and very good) MC is pro marriage, Christian based. In just 2 sessions we have come a long way in relative terms(as the road so damn long).
Again thank you for your post. It has made a huge difference.
M43 W38 D9 S6 M13 T15 Grenade 01/10/09 1st bomb 03/16/09 2nd bomb 07/22/09 1st thread Desperate for direction
WOW!!! Sandi - what an unbelievable post. 6 you are very lucky. If i had read that a year ago - I would probably be in a very different situation right now. My W was in the same boat as yours and I believe the way I handled steered her in a certain direction. Reading sandi's post brought tears to my eyes as well. Makes me feel like I really blew it!
The only thing I will say is that my W never let anyone suggest anti-depressants to her. Anyone that did was completely shut out by her. I will post more - still digesting that awesome post!
6 - this is a huge advantage for you!
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
So this will probably be my last post. She has again been emailing the EA and I have had it with the lies. I don't know how I am going to ever trust her again. I dont know how I am going to react to her when I get home today. My day was going great and the wekend looked like a great mothers day weekend. And NOW IT IS RUINED. Some mother she is.
M43 W38 D9 S6 M13 T15 Grenade 01/10/09 1st bomb 03/16/09 2nd bomb 07/22/09 1st thread Desperate for direction
62906: I don't know you , but I know your hurting, as most of us are on this forum, no matter what happens you have to focus on yourself as well.
I have only just begun reading your main post, and I hope that this is not your last post, as I think you have a lot to learn, as well as a lot to share on this board.
I hope you find the strength to work on yourself, not matter what happens in your R, that is what is keeping me focused and above water, try to find those little things that make you feel better and hold onto them.
Peace, I hope you do well.
M: 41 STBXW: 41 D: 9 Bomb: 4/26/09
On board the D train now..
"Suffering is when we try to change what we cannot."
So this will probably be my last post. She has again been emailing the EA and I have had it with the lies. I don't know how I am going to ever trust her again. I dont know how I am going to react to her when I get home today. My day was going great and the wekend looked like a great mothers day weekend. And NOW IT IS RUINED. Some mother she is.
Don't do anything that you shouldn't do right now! You're worked up, understandably. Remember what Sandi said earlier, stuff that you were receptive to. Calm down, man! Re-read her post to you. Don't do or say anything that you'll regret later.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
So this will probably be my last post. She has again been emailing the EA and I have had it with the lies. I don't know how I am going to ever trust her again. I dont know how I am going to react to her when I get home today. My day was going great and the wekend looked like a great mothers day weekend. And NOW IT IS RUINED. Some mother she is.
6,
Your wife is an addict. She is ADDICTED to the affair. Would you leave her if she had a gambling addiction, or a drug or alcohol addiction?
Surely at some point, you might, if she wouldn't get help, but wouldn't you fight for her first???
