Separated & OW coming into picture

[hopeful_cb]

Thanks WDID for you advice and giving some input. I do see what you are saying there with that. I don't really know what I want to do right now so will think about it.

I did try not contacting and not seeing H after he left(before there was OW) and while it did work for about a month the following 4 weeks it seems while I was 'leaving him alone' he used this time to strengthen friendship with female friend until the point where he 'was confused about his feelings for her' and wanted to 'find out' what was there.

so while I do want him to see the consequences of losing me I also feel like stepping back more would make it even easier for him to forget about me and M, while also making it even easier for him to be with OW.

I know I am new at all this and probably not thinking all that clearly but will try my best to figure things out and do the right thing(whatever that may be).

[Phoenixdeux]

I find it very doubtful that OW came into the picture only after you gave him space. You probably only discovered something that was there before. It's unusual for guys not to line up another woman before committing to leaving (or expressing the desire to leave), unless you were miserable to be with (which I doubt since otherwise he wouldn't come around now).

[hopeful_cb]

I have thought about this a lot. H denies that OW had anything to do with us and our problems and why he left and stated it would be a lot easier for him to do what he is doing to me if he had a reason like OW to leave me for, but that that was not the case.

I know I can't always trust what he is saying to justify his actions and am not a fool.

Last week when he brought up OW with me(first time) he said he was annoyed that I had seen this coming(w this particular OW) before he did or even felt that way about her(as I had told him what I thought was happening w OW after he left). Still thinking on that comment.

I remember clearly about 3 weeks after the bomb H told me I am always miserable and he can't be around it anymore. I obviously was miserable then considering what was happening! but then like you said if I really am miserable to be with he would NOT want to spend time with me now.

[karen43]

I have thought about this a lot. H denies that OW had anything to do with us and our problems and why he left and stated it would be a lot easier for him to do what he is doing to me if he had a reason like OW to leave me for, but that that was not the case.

I think that's in the WAS script. My H has said that dozens of times too, his leaving and D had nothing to do with OW and the fact that they had an EA and then a PA that began a month earlier. Yeah, right! I think only a WAS would believe something like that!!! BTW, you were probably miserable b/c at some level you realized your H was having an EA or PA! My H picked fights everyday too, blamed me for everything, he was genuinely nasty... Karen

[hopeful_cb]

I agree with you. I think it is script. And the sad thing is I think HE actually does believe it himself. It's like he can't see what he was doing and just continues to think his actions are all ok.

[pearlharbr]

Totally script. My xBF said the same things: not happy, need to be alone to figure things out, OW (who I suspected months earlier) was "just a friend," then nothing was going on before we were separated, then it's not an affair because nothing physical has happened yet, blah blah blah.

It was all crap. And he readily admits that now. At the time however, he was constantly and unashamedly lying his ass off even when confronted with proof to the contrary.

IMHO, the sooner you decide which route to take (allow him to cake eat or not) the better off you will be emotionally. I tried to be the better person and wait it out at first and it completely demoralized me. It's not who I am and ultimately I had to be true to myself. The waffling up until I made a final decision was torture. When I resolved myself to one decision and plan of action I felt much better.

[hopeful_cb]

Pearl I think you are right. The sooner I decide the better I will feel emotionally. I always work better with a plan. Now I just have to decide and stick to it. hard work. I have trouble deciding even the smallest things these days. I keep asking myself what is right?

[hopeful_cb]

Ok so I still haven't talked to H. He did send me an email last friday asking if I want help with some a practical thing at home.

I waited til sunday night and just sent a quick 2 lines basically saying thanks but no thanks, I've got it covered.

Already got message back, again offering to help with practical thing at home and giving advice(unsolicited) on how to handle it. It was a longer message but nothing really important in it. And I haven't answered.

I don't know how to play it?? Help please?

I keep doubting everything.

Day to day I am getting on with my things and getting busy with activities.

[hopeful_cb]

So how would one go about 'busting' an affair? Is it just exposure?