I didn't read that whole conversation because it didn't all need to happen. It should have ended with, "I'm not sharing you with another man". You can't talk her into doing something with logic, guilt, or any of these other tools you've been trying. She has to reach that point herself. Go dark on her
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
John, She's agreed to give me everything--I think the only reason I would need a lawyer is if she wants joint custody? I'm waiting to see what she says on that.
If she has agreed to give you everything and she is also paying the bills you have you should consider getting this signed and filed quickly...she is most likely going to get joint custody...as long as your daughter stays with you then you will have to accept this unless your wife is parading these men around her...you could consider adding to your decree that no males not related to you or your wife be allowed around your daughter...no overnights at her house if she is living with OM. At your daughters age joint physical at 50/50 will be difulcult as she has her own life and friends. If you wife would agree to the everyother weekend, and one night a week, with liberal visitation based on your daughters desires then you should wrap this up quickly.
For now this is strictly a business decision...
Florida Laws on Best Interest of the Child. 61.13(3) When awarding child custody in Florida, the court will consider all factors affecting the welfare and interests of the child, including but not limited to:
a. The parent who is more likely to allow the child frequent and continuing contact with the non-custodial parent.
b. The love, affection, and other emotional ties existing between the parents and the child.
c. The capacity and disposition of the parents to provide the child with food, clothing, medical care, and other material needs.
d. The length of time the child has lived in a stable, satisfactory environment and the desirability of maintaining continuity.
e. The permanence, as a family unit, of the existing or proposed custodial home.
*****f. The moral fitness of the parents. This is where you could use the proof. I think you have enough that should she get a lawyer he would tell her to settle. The affairs, moving out, telling her lies, and minimal visitation (make sure you keep records) is not going to look good.
g. The mental and physical health of the parents.
h. The home, school, and community record of the child.
i. The reasonable preference of the child as to custody, if the court deems the child to be of sufficient intelligence, understanding, and experience to express a preference.
j. The willingness and ability of each parent to facilitate and encourage a close and continuous parent-child relationship between the child and the other parent.
k. Evidence that any party has knowingly provided false information to the court regarding a domestic violence proceeding.
l. Evidence of domestic violence or child abuse.
m. Any other fact not specifically expressed in these laws that the court considers to be relevant.
Parenting Course in Divorce. A parenting course is required by Florida laws for all couples with children who obtain a divorce in Florida.
Take a deep breath and hang on...again, this doesn't mean your marriage is over if you don't want it to be. I think the exposure is going to have the OMen show their true colors and your wife may get her wakeup call when she realizes she has been used and they dump her...
Stay busy, no booze, keep an eye on your daughter, and take care of yourself in all ways
John, I also wanted to ask if you have considered marriage counseling for you and your wife? Present it as something you both owe your daughter...she has to agree that it is best for your daughter to have two parents who live and love together...I hope...is she will not even try I would have to consider wrapping this up quickly. I think you would feel better for one last chance although I am afraid you are going to get hurt...think about it for a week or so and if possible go dark as per Phoenixdeux ASAP. This would make you feel better and you would not have to spend the rest of your life wondering what would have been...
Hoop, I already asked her to go, several times. She flat out refuses and says there's nothoing wrong with her. I'm going dark as I can. Thanks for all the info.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
AFWAW, Sounds like you have done the best anyone could have done...now is a good time to take care of yourself and "go dark". Make sure she knows you are dark and other than your daughter, which email is fine, you prefer not to see nor talk to her. You are not her "Best Bud" and this is not going to be a marriage that evolves into a friendship. Take care,
AFWAW...I'm sorry this has happened to you, but please please just begin moving on. Please also (and any one else out there in his shoes) read the book Starting Over by John Gray. There is a lot of emotional healing that you need to do, and it needs your attention. You can't just sit back and expect the healing to come on its own. It is a process which requires your active participation, and the painful parts will be over faster if you just delve right into it.
Please don't ever EVER have another conversation with her about "what she wants" EVER again. This is now not what any of this is about. She wants a train-wreck to come crashing down her world, that's what she wants, and she's about to get it.
And if it helps you to know this, let me just say it: her heart is going to be smashed to pieces when she gets dumped by the OM and she really realizes that the "love" she felt for him was just a puff of smoke in a mirror...she will feel like a pile of dung....and THEN after the pain of THAT wears off, she will look in the real mirror and realize what she's really done to YOU and her daughter and the extended family. In one moment, she will be all at once aware of what she has really done. Right now, she says things like "oh what have I done, how could you forgive me, I am horrible" but this is not true understanding on her part, its just fog-babble. Later, when the real truth really hits her, she will go through what you are going through now. Please don't doubt me on that one....there is nothing anyone can do to save her from that eventual outcome.
I'm so sad for you....but please do get that book.....
Please don't ever EVER have another conversation with her about "what she wants" EVER again. This is now not what any of this is about. She wants a train-wreck to come crashing down her world, that's what she wants, and she's about to get it.
And if it helps you to know this, let me just say it: her heart is going to be smashed to pieces when she gets dumped by the OM and she really realizes that the "love" she felt for him was just a puff of smoke in a mirror...she will feel like a pile of dung....and THEN after the pain of THAT wears off, she will look in the real mirror and realize what she's really done to YOU and her daughter and the extended family. In one moment, she will be all at once aware of what she has really done. Right now, she says things like "oh what have I done, how could you forgive me, I am horrible" but this is not true understanding on her part, its just fog-babble. Later, when the real truth really hits her, she will go through what you are going through now. Please don't doubt me on that one....there is nothing anyone can do to save her from that eventual outcome.
Sadly, that is pretty much SCRIPT. I am near-certain of this as well. It will not be pretty.
And if it helps you to know this, let me just say it: her heart is going to be smashed to pieces when she gets dumped by the OM and she really realizes that the "love" she felt for him was just a puff of smoke in a mirror...she will feel like a pile of dung....and THEN after the pain of THAT wears off, she will look in the real mirror and realize what she's really done to YOU and her daughter and the extended family. In one moment, she will be all at once aware of what she has really done. Right now, she says things like "oh what have I done, how could you forgive me, I am horrible" but this is not true understanding on her part, its just fog-babble. Later, when the real truth really hits her, she will go through what you are going through now. Please don't doubt me on that one....there is nothing anyone can do to save her from that eventual outcome.
Sadly, I'm actually counting on it--I've actually prayed for her to hit rock bottom. I think it will come after I turn her in. I think she deserves to suffer as much as she has made me and her daughter suffer--hell, her Mom is depressed about it as well--she just called me from her vacation in Vegas to see how I was feeling. I'm also considering calling the OM's wife as well.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
Just be sure that if you go the route of exposing everything to everybody that it's probably going to be the last resort and you may never get her back.
You can't "guilt" someone to come back to you and expect them to stay. Plus, the anger you're feeling right now is like you said, to get back at her.
The cycle is going to keep going around in circles unless you make a choice to stop it. If you want to continue to fight for your M, then don't do it as I see tons of resentment coming from your W towards you. If you don't want to fight any longer, then by all means expose. One other consequence is how your W will be viewed by your D.
If you start calling your W a b*tch, sl*t or whatever to get your anger out, how does that seem to your D? Yes, I know that your W doesn't care about that right now. But what about YOU? Heck many of us have been in your same sitch. I personally chose not to say anything to anyone although I did confront the OM.
Be prepared to live with the consequences of what may happen.
Good luck.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I don't buy your premise that the only two choices are:
1. fight honorably for your marriage
2. Expose out of anger and retribution, calling your wife all kinds of bad names in the process.
It is possible to expose honorably; to speak the truth in love, and to let her face the consequences of her own decisions. There is a "third way."
I do agree with you, however, that it should only be done as a last resort, after the cheating spouse has been given multiple chances to end their affair. I also think you should only do it if you're prepared to face the inevitable blowback.
