I have not posted for a very long time, but check the website every so often. I have been d for 5 yrs., xh married ow soon after the d, is still m to her. I was with xh for 28 yrs., m 23 yrs. we have 3 children. From my perspective, one day he was a loving h, the next day I didn't exist. He walked out and never looked back. We have had no communication. It's as if I never existed.
At first, he seemed to be a good father, actually better than he was when we were married. Then when ow was introduced, everything changed. The ow was the priority. As long as kids went along with everything, all was well. My middle daughter did not go along with everything and was emotionally abused, left behind, etc. It was clear that she was a problem. Eventually she and then my youngest child stopped seeing their father. He never tried to really have a relationship with them after that, stopped calling them, stopped attending sports and music events. I was basically raising them by myself. This went on for about 2 yrs. and then out of the blue he started emailing them, coming to my youngest child's concerts. The kids never responded to him, but he still pursued them thru email. Last Dec., my daughter (now 19) had a "breakdown" and was admitted to a facility. I felt I had to contact him. It was the first time I had spoken to him in years. I encouraged her to meet with him and her therapist since I think him leaving and his treatment of her is part of the problem. She refused at first, but eventually agreed to meet with him. I think they have met 3-4 times but nothing has really changed with their relationship. Sadly, I don't think they will ever have a father-daughter r. My youngest child still refuses to meet with him.
I don't know whether xh's life is better now, whether he is happy, whether he regrets what he's done. I have gotten some insight to his life from my daughter's therapist. I know that xh has been in therapy for 3 yrs., was "retired" at 50 (don't know why, but his job was everything to him), felt numb to life a few yrs. back (i imagine that's why he started therapy).
Bottom line is that I felt just like you, bad that my xh never looked back and I would say even avoided having to contact me, even with regards to the kids. It was a blessing in disguise. Even the girl's therapist told me that I should feel lucky not to have to deal with him. Eventually I saw that she was right. When you get a little distance from your situation, you will see that this is true. You will have to take care of yourself. It is empowering. It has taken me a long time to move on, longer than most. I am just now thinking about dating again. It's hard to remember being married and when i see xh at school concerts from a distance, he is a stranger. You will thrive if you let go and not fight something that you cannot control. That's when anything is possible. I used to wish that i could run away with someone and not have responsibilities like my xh. Now i am so glad that i didn't. I wouldn't want to be him for anything in the world. He will always have to live with what he has done and will never know a true relationship with his children. The children are the true victims here and i suffered guilt for a long time about that. I only hope that i have given them enough love and support for them to succeed in life. My daughter is doing better now and plans to continue college in the fall. It has been a tough road, but I feel strong and life is good.
