When you are wanting to save your marriage, there are positives and negatives to living together but separated.
I got my W to move out by being firm about my boundaries (no dating). This was done before I filed for a D. I did not intend to file, but after she moved out, she made a very poor judgment by exposing the kids as part of her affair. Had I filed first, I may very well have been in the predicament that FIB is in.
The decision to file KerryK...came after '3 names'. There was no trust and my STBXW was NOT staying home trying to figure our marriage out...she was seeing men. I had told her that doing that was a dealbreaker for me. When she started 'googling' the men on the PC...I had enough.
The decisions I made I will have to live with. Two things kicked my W off the edge: -filing for full custody -being honest with the law guardian about the events of the prior two years...that made me a "liar, vile and disgusting"
Although those 2 choices have made my life miserable, I am not sure that I would go back and change it. At the time, my STBXW was unstable, on 3 meds and it was the right choice to make. Lying to the law guardian as to why I filed for full custody....well.....if I should have said "xxx was a wonderful wife (that's what my W said to the LG about me)...well, then, I blew my marriage. (three names....new VS underwear every few weeks..no interest in my life and complete secrecy....that was enuf for me).
But this is water under the bridge.........
As some know, I make a mental record of some of my patient's responses as to the key to the longevity of their marriage. Today, I saw an 88 year old male and during our talk, he told me that he recently lost his wife of 58 years marriage. I said I was sorry and asked him what was the key?
Me: So, Mr. XXX..tell me...what was YOUR secret for such a long marriage?
XXX: I turn her off.
Me: What? What do you mean you turn her off?
XXX: I turn off both my hearing aids.
So..reiterating....the key to a longstanding marriage is really not so complicated...it's simply.......mutual respect and a sense of humor.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Did you ever see Captain Corelli's Mandolin? very similar dialogue,except the chap couldn't hear due to a bead in his ear, after removal he went back and asked for it to be re inserted.
I also think in older marriages,people are more tolerant and don't expect as much. They rub along, no great highs but no great lows. Whatever works for you I guess.
FIB, how are you doing? Listen, I think you had an obligation to tell the LG the truth as you saw it. After all, this involved the kids. And I dont think anyone could blame you for not being able to deal with your w and three guys. That is certainly a dealbreaker and you deserve better than that.
You did your best. You tried your hardest. You acted with dignity. You protected your children.
I know without a doubt, that you will find peace and happiness in your life one day. Believe it.
Thanks BM. Honestly...I come home..hang with my kids. Read to them. Take care of them.
I keep out of her way. I don't insult her or start unnecessary conversation that may inflame her. She walks down the stairs, I step aside...don't want to be accused of pushing her down the stairs....etc.
All I get now are looks of contempt...both from her and her parents.
It's OK. Is it easy? No.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I know it's not easy for you. I wish it were, my friend. But, your children are taking it all in, believe me. I know it is sad to think that the woman you married has become this person.
The judicial part will hopefully be over soon. Then you need to figure out how to proceed as she will be in your life forever.
What are you doing for you? Take a little time for yourself. It is very important.
Thanks BM....I still invest most of my time in my kids. I coach....work outside on the house....going back to working out. When the coaching season ends, I will need to keep busy this summer. Time to come up with a new GAL. Finances are critical right now and the next few months may see some tough times. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
FIB, working out is good. The GAL doesnt have to a lot of cost money - a walk, museum, etc. Just make sure you put a little time aside just for you - even if it is just a half hour of meditation to regroup.
Hang in there, FIB. I think the worst is behind you. The future is wide open!
