I continue to ask Him to help heal our marriage, and to help her heal. Some think it's selfish, some don't. I don't know. I don't think God wants us to get divorced.
I don't think selfish is the right word, I was told by my boss/pastor that asking him to fix your M is like treating him like a genie. I'm not saying it's right or wrong but it helped me when I really thought about it that way. Praying for strength and wisdom for her and you, GREAT. The hard part is listening to what HE is telling you.I'll give you the advice I got on this...No God doesn't want you divorced at all. When thing that some don't realize is that while God hates D he also never really wanted us to marry because it takes our focus off Him and puts it on our S's. It's what Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7:6-9 basically if you can't keep it in your pants get married.
Quote:
Do you really think Satan is involved?
Absolutely!!!
Last edited by volleydog; 05/08/0901:33 PM.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
I continue to ask Him to help heal our marriage, and to help her heal. Some think it's selfish, some don't. I don't know. I don't think God wants us to get divorced.
I don't think selfish is the right word, I was told by my boss/pastor that asking him to fix your M is like treating him like a genie. I'm not saying it's right or wrong but it helped me when I really thought about it that way. Praying for strength and wisdom for her and you, GREAT. The hard part is listening to what HE is telling you.I'll give you the advice I got on this...No God doesn't want you divorced at all. When thing that some don't realize is that while God hates D he also never really wanted us to marry because it takes our focus off Him and puts it on our S's. It's what Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7:6-9 basically if you can't keep it in your pants get married.
Quote:
Do you really think Satan is involved?
Absolutely!!!
Strength and wisdom to do what though? To help us make good decisions? What? How do I know what He's telling me? I don't think he wants us to divorce, I believe He wants marriages to last! I want to get better, and live again, and be happy for a change!
I know that God is more powerful than Satan. If I pray for God to wipe away Satan's influence on our marriage...then what?
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Do the work on yourself for yourself with no outside expectations.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Do the work on yourself for yourself with no outside expectations.
That's what I'm doing Coach, although I want there to be a reconciliation, it doesn't look good at all! I am working on myself for myself with no outside expectations. Outside expectations right now seem like a 'false hope'! If I get better, and do better, and still get divorced because that's what she wants...can't really call it 'divorce busting' huh? I came here to save my marriage. It ain't happening so far! Doesn't look good either! I screwed up...bad! She left because of that. She's more pissed now than ever, and told me just how she feels about us on April 30th. Awful! It's been 8 days with no contact at all. I'm very hopeful that it continues, and that it'll provide me with space to detatch. I can't do anything now except learn from my 'idiotness' and work at being a better man, and a better dad for my kids, and be a better husband...if not to her...then to someone else on down the line. Right now though, seems hard to imagine I'll ever be with anybody else if a divorce happens. I'm 48 years old. It hurts too to think about the last 2 decades with her, and my remorse is a heavy burden that I continue to bear. Losing someone that means so much to you because you acted like an idiot is a hard thing to live with!
I appreciate your input Coach, and also learn a lot when reading your posts to others.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Google and read the "Stockdale Paradaox" it helped me cope with what you are struggling with. DBing is really "Doing Better." You can handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Like Coach said this needs to be for you and you can't think about her in all this, like you said she's in a fog and only she can bring herself out.
Strength and wisdom to know what God is telling me? Strength and wisdom to know His will for me, and to see it through?
Are you saying my relationship between my wife and I is between God and I ONLY, or my relationship between God and I is between God and I ONLY?
I know it needs to be for me, and I don't even want to think about her...but you know how hard it is to not think about them! I do believe she is in a fog, and nobody or nothing can bring her out (except for God) and that only she can bring herself out. Sounds like she's gonna divorce me before that happens though. Damn! It hurt bad to hear the stuff I heard from her on April 30th. I said a lot of awful stuff to her over the years, and I didn't mean any of it, although she thought I did. When she says the stuff she does...she means it! I hate it that things are this way. I'd give anything for a chance now, with her, knowing the things that I know now.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Strength and wisdom to know what God is telling me? Strength and wisdom to know His will for me, and to see it through?
YES!!!!
Look I know absolutely what you are going through as far as S and D. It sux...
My W has told me at least six times in the last two years it's over, the last time being a week ago (btw I know she means it also). The thing is she still hasn't filed even though she has the papers...AND we (the family) are going out for M-day. I'm telling you this because you need to judge her by her actions NOT words. It takes a lot mentally to actually file the D, it's "easy" to say your going to do it, it's hard to actually do. So while like you I think my W is going to file I'm prepared if she does or doesn't because either way my life is going to be ok.
Last edited by volleydog; 05/08/0902:40 PM.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
Google and read the "Stockdale Paradaox" it helped me cope with what you are struggling with. DBing is really "Doing Better." You can handle it.
It says "Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties. AND at the same time Confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."
We know what the difficulties are Coach, it's the things we talk about here on this board...but what exactly is 'prevailing in the end'? Is it surviving? Is it saving your marriage? Is it getting better? What?
Does the fear and uncertainty evaporate when you confront reality, as brutal as it is? I've been hit in the face with it since last December...I've still got plenty of fear and uncertainty!
How did this help you to cope? I'm really interested in how this helped you, and hope that it can help me too!
ps I've seen it on your signature line, and I like it.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
In a business book by James C. Collins called Good to Great, Collins writes about a conversation he had with Stockdale regarding his coping strategy during his period in the Vietnamese POW camp.[3]
"I never lost faith in the end of the story, I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade."[4]
When Collins asked who didn't make it out, Stockdale replied:
"Oh, that’s easy, the optimists. Oh, they were the ones who said, 'We're going to be out by Christmas.' And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they'd say, 'We're going to be out by Easter.' And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart."[5]
Stockdale then added:
"This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”[6]
Witnessing this philosophy of duality, Collins went on to describe it as the Stockdale Paradox.
Stockdale spent 7 years as a POW. Enduring much worse physical, emotional, psychological stress than we can imagine. Faith is what keeps you going, he had no idea what was being done on his behalf - wife, military, government yet he stayed true to his values regardless. Faith that you come out the other side as a better man. Then confronting the reality allows you come up with a plan to cope. Doesn't mean you don't have fear but that you are handling it. Expectations over things you had no control over literally killed the "optimists." I had no idea how my sitch would turn out but I knew what was at stake and that I would take action to persevere and thrive under a stressful situation. I did not get to that point right away, I had to go thru my emotions and deal with my issues first. I did it for myself, my W, and my family. How I handled myself mattered to me. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
