The adventure continues--part 5

[AFWAW]

guess in a way, I tried to prepare you for the conversation that took place tonight...(And no, I do not know your W...)

Yep, you did. Still tough to face though.

I'm sorry your sitch looks like it's not going to turn out the way you had hoped.

But I said it once (or twice) and I'll say it over and over until you believe it: You deserve better...

Maybe, but where is this mythical, magical creature that I deserve?

[EnoughAlready]

Maybe, but where is this mythical, magical creature that I deserve?

So now we want someone mythical and magical? :-) Well, I guess after having settled for a tramp (sorry, but that's what your W is), you do deserve an upgrade.

Seriously, though, there's a woman out there who's perfect for you and will make you a very happy man...you just need to do the work and find her.

[hooper1668]

AFWAW,
John...if this is an IM conversation you really need to save this for many reasons.

1) Your daughter is your #1 priority for now...nothing else matters...you MUST sit her down and tell her the truth soon. In an age appropriate manner...I recommend you try to talk to her C before her appointment Saturday for advice on how to tell her. As much as possible try to shield her...but you must never tell her a lie and she must know if your W tells her something she does not understand she can ask you. If you talk down about your wife she will not have anyone to do...but again, make sure she is told the truth and if she has any questions to ask. As far as visitation...


supervised, court ordered, at her expense...under no circumstance would I want my daughter to be with someone who is a self-proclaimed " i'm like a straight hoochie now. i love to flirt and i love attention. i am an addict...you've got some kind of blinders on or something.
..i'm sure you could tell i crave attention."

...how do you know one of the 4 she has been with doesn't also like 13 yr old girls?

...I do not want to go into the specifics other than to say I am in a emergency response career and have been to hundreds of incidents in the last 30 yrs...the military is not immune to any type of freak you can find in the civilian world to include child molesters...the "OM" has already proven he is not of good moral character...



2) Expose...she is an adult, the OM is an adult, one a SNCO the other an officer...hopefully your friend can identify who is who...you really need to talk to your Shirt and CC...at your rank you should not be embarassed to tell them what is going on...as a minimum ask for a appointment with your CC and talk to him...let him know what you know and that a Maj/Lt Col started an affair with your W while you were in Iraq. This is very bad...about as bad as it gets for an officer that is expected to be a CC of enlisted and direct movements in a war zone...real bad. I pray he has not been give a command somewhere. If I knew it and deployed with him I would refuse to follow his orders...why is she goign TDY? Will she see the OM at this TDY location? Ask your CC to ask her CC to send someone else. She should not get anything out of this and a taxpayer funded shag trip is out.

3) File...quickly...in the morning if possible. If your banking is online pay as many bills as you can...you can pay your house in advance...if you are upside down this is a great incentive to get ahead...if not you can always refinance later and pull the money if you need it. Cancel any joint anything you have...is your car paid off? If not and you can pay it off...college fund for your daughter? Fund it...if not start one...you can put $500.00 a year tax free. Add an extra ??% to your TSP monthly...if you do not participate in TSP start now...contribute enough to keep about $5-7K in you checking....what bills is she paying? Can you put them in her name only?...FTR, the money spent on the apartment could be spent on your daughter...that alone should bring into question her parenting abilities...

4) Make sure you do nothing that would put you in a bad light...pay your bills, start church (not trying to push church on you just telling you how it is...if you were a judge and you had to decide custody and your options were a hoochie with 4/OM or a church going military man just returned from Iraq protecting the freedom of our country who would you select? Do well at work, stick with your PT, if you have a booze collection in your house give it away now...anything that would be considered a negative in the house with a 13 yr old girl...trash it.

5) Great job on telling her no for this weekend...hopefully you will have a better structured plan after talking to her C this weekend. I do think she needs to see her mother but with you having no way to know who will show up at your W apartment...NO overnights...he could go psycho when his affair is exposed...he has much more to lose than your W...his retirement and the lifestyle (great) that a O5 and O6 could have...why he is doing this is psycho in itself

6) Do not talk with your W about anything other than the care of your daughter, no lunches at the chow hall, no PT at Runners World, no sleep-overs, there will be no expirment the first week of July to "see how it goes". Go see a lawyer...do not just pick one based on price...fathersrights is best...she has made so many mistakes (do not tell her about this page, never)that you are a slam dunk on everything unless you give up or keep thinking if you are a nice guy she will come back and your life will be "leave it to beaver"...not going to happen...you will be giving half your retirement to her. File and tell her is she wants to talk divorce talk to your lawyer...if she wants to talk about your daughter and her future or how you can fix this then you are available.

7) This is hitting you fast and hard...make a list...focus on your daughter...nothing else matters...go see a lawyer...listen to the people on this board...for now forget trying to "attract" your W back to you by being 007 or something like that. You do not need a new haircut or a pair of shoes. You must get control of the situation at a strategic level not a tactical level...who cares if your W thinks you are having fun tonight or wearing nice shoes...your goal is custody and security(money) for your daughter...romance is nice when you have food to eat and the bills are paid...not when you are paying 45-49% of your 50% of $4K(E-7 Base pay) for alimony...

8) You are soon going to have to decide if you even want to be with her...do not let her guilt you into compromising your own values...you are married only on paper right now...I am convinced that if you had exposed this part or this situation would be over (FWIW, your wife has done nothing out of the ordinary, although I am curious what the OM will say when this is exposed...I expect he will blame everything on her and act like he has no clue what she is talking about). He is still living with her?

9) This really bothers me...She said:do you think you can't do any better or something? you can. OMG you are such an awesome person and you deserve someone faithful...this was when you should have said "f*** you" and just stopped the IM...for her to also declare her love for him is disturbing...she had lost all respect for herself and her marriage...with a SS I wonder why she had her 1st divorce?

10) Time for you to take a break...care for daughter, file, confirm custody (temp), secure money, expose ( to end the affair and give you a chance to decide if you want to be with her), take care of this and the rest will line up...do not start an ongoing neverending argument with you W. Believe nothing of what she tells you and nothing of what you see while the affair is going on...

Enough for now, too much I know...if you have time for nothing else you must tell your daughter the truth. Stay loose and take nothing personal your W tries to tell you, good or bad, she will soon go into her "self" mode and will start thinking that she is the best parent and everything she does is for your daughter (or I should say that is what she will say, it is really her way to justify her own guilt)...no fights and stay away from the booze, gets you every time. Your goal is your daughters future...cold but that is how it is...forget your W...secure your future and you secure your daughters future...and you protect your W future if you get back together...

V/R

...and always you must process everything that is happening and decide your own future...FTR, I am always pro-marriage until the kids start losing or there is no doubt of abuse or addiction (drugs and/or alcohol)....and for what its worth she has still not said anything that would prevent me from trying to fix this relationship, but she is very close to the FU catergory...sorry for the long post...I will neaten it later, I was not surprised at her comments but have to admit I was shocked that she was so forward for an OM that is married and she expects nothing from him...take care

[AFWAW]

John...if this is an IM conversation you really need to save this for many reasons

Already done.

Your daughter is your #1 priority for now...nothing else matters...you MUST sit her down and tell her the truth soon.

Already did it last night.

supervised, court ordered, at her expense...under no circumstance would I want my daughter to be with someone who is a self-proclaimed " i'm like a straight hoochie now. i love to flirt and i love attention. i am an addict...you've got some kind of blinders on or something.
..i'm sure you could tell i crave attention."

Good point, this one may be tougher than you think though.

Expose...she is an adult, the OM is an adult, one a SNCO the other an officer...hopefully your friend can identify who is who...you really need to talk to your Shirt and CC...at your rank you should not be embarassed to tell them what is going on...as a minimum ask for a appointment with your CC and talk to him

As soon as I have a name and verify what type vehicle he drives, I will. Obviously, I'll see his vehicle at her apartment.

Make sure you do nothing that would put you in a bad light...pay your bills, start church (not trying to push church on you just telling you how it is...if you were a judge and you had to decide custody and your options were a hoochie with 4/OM or a church going military man just returned from Iraq protecting the freedom of our country who would you select? Do well at work, stick with your PT, if you have a booze collection in your house give it away now...anything that would be considered a negative in the house with a 13 yr old girl...trash i

Nope, I'm good here.

who cares if your W thinks you are having fun tonight or wearing nice shoes...your goal is custody and security(money) for your daughter...romance is nice when you have food to eat and the bills are paid...not when you are paying 45-49% of your 50% of $4K(E-7 Base pay) for alimony...

Agreed, she's not getting any of my money. If she wants alimony from me then that's pretty funny at this point.

You are soon going to have to decide if you even want to be with her

Right at this second I don't. While I still love her, this is a stupid, stupid person who would give up what she is giving up and I obviously cannot trust her.

He is still living with her?

Don't know, that's why my friend is going to find out what type vehicle he drives as well so I can drive over to the apartment and see one night next week.

and always you must process everything that is happening and decide your own future.

This is the hardest part of all--I don't have a clue at this point but fortunately I don't have to decide anything today or tomorrow. But soon I will.

[LG nm12]

What Hooper said...

I'm so sorry, John.

The good woman that is out there for you is NOT a mythical, magical creature, but she will appear to be one when she comes along. Get on a dating site and start getting out and doing things to meet new people. You need a fresh perspective on this.

At this point, I worry most about your self esteem and your self worth, and I URGE you to work through this stuff in counseling. Why would you accept so much extreme betrayal from the same woman, over and over again? I'm sure that SHE is NOT mythical or magical with a golden vagina (quite the opposite...) So, it must be that you don't think enough of YOU. You have to raise that girl, John, and you need to show her what a proud, self-loving man is so that she knows how to choose one for herself one day. You have shown her dignity and resolve, but you have also showed her how to misplace unconditional love. Please start therapy as soon as you can.

I will note, however, that I feel some pity for a woman who is addicted to sex. I can only conclude that she feels so low about herself that she needs frequent and multiple external sources of validation to feel her ego. She herself IS mentally ill and should get some help herself.

Lucky

[LG nm12]

Does anybody live near John? This man needs some kind company a giant hug.

I am heartbroken for you. ((((((John))))))

[futureunknown]

AFWAW-

I'm very sorry you are going through this. I was really hoping things would work out the way you wanted. You are clearly a man of honor. I have no idea what my future is either (hence my name!), but have faith you'll be happy again. I do.

[PMA_Baby!]

AF - I know the truth hurts. Believe me I know. X did the same stuff. At least yours had the decency to admit it and confess she has issues. Mine will deny it to the day she dies even though I have plenty of evidence. Regardless, you do deserve better. I know all to well how this affects your self image. Don’t let her and this define you. She's not the person you thought she was. End of story. Don’t beat yourself up. We all make mistakes. You are an amazing man by the way you wanted to keep on looking for the good in her. I did the same and continue to hope she comes out of her fog so we can have a descent co-parenting relationship. Which is what you will ultimately switch your hopes to. It took a year, but when I was ready to start meeting new people. I met an incredible women on catholicmatch.com I was definitely looking for someone with similar morals and ethics this time.

Good Luck and stay the course. Your daughter will thank you for it.

PMA

[Puppy Dog Tails]

John,

I'm truly and deeply sorry to hear of your wife's response to you. I can't say as I'm surprised, but I know from personal experience how this can cut like a chainsaw to the pit of your chest. They say that adultery is the cruelest thing that one person can do to another -- Dr. Harley says in his talks that it's worse than rape, in that this is a person who supposedly LOVED you, and swore to forsake all others for you. He even had a woman come up to him after one of his talks, who had experienced the pain of both, and who agreed with him. In any case, it's horrific, and I'm sure you're reeling today.

My advice to you would be to take ONE DAY to just absorb the body blow. Nothing's going anywhere today anyway, and you don't want to be reacting out of anger. Pray for guidance, meditate, EAT, and just try to -- as my mom would say -- "be good to yourself." Try to get with some buds or family, even if by phone.

Tomorrow, you need to get into "game mode" or "battle mode." This is where Hooper's been trying to lead you, and it sounds like you're ready for it now. The more you can detach from the emotional side of this, and kind of "hover above it" and see it strategically and tactically, the better off you will be. You will have days when you're unable to do this, and that's okay, but for the most part you need to get to this place in your head.

Document EVERYTHING.

I don't remember your legal sitch, if you're using a base L or what, but I would highly recommend at least an initial consultation with a good family law atty, preferably one who specializes in "men's rights" and paternal custody.

Finally, this:

In addition to the detached "battle mode" I mention above, it will really help you if you can try to think of your wife as an ADDICT. Because she IS one. Serial adulterers usually have a sexual addiction, and affairs themselves -- even one-shot ones -- are highly addictive. This doesn't excuse her choices, but it will help you treat her with detached compassion, and will help you hold on to what's left of your love for her in case she repents and comes around. It does happen, and you'll be glad you treated her well.

That's all for now, other than my digital manly-Sopranos-style hugs.

Strength and Honor,

Puppy

[AFWAW]

I can't say as I'm surprised, but I know from personal experience how this can cut like a chainsaw to the pit of your chest.

Yep, that's it. I didn't know how to describe it before but thats a good description.

Document EVERYTHING.

I don't remember your legal sitch, if you're using a base L or what, but I would highly recommend at least an initial consultation with a good family law atty, preferably one who specializes in "men's rights" and paternal custody.

She's agreed to give me everything--I think the only reason I would need a lawyer is if she wants joint custody? I'm waiting to see what she says on that.

In addition to the detached "battle mode" I mention above, it will really help you if you can try to think of your wife as an ADDICT.

Yep, she admitted that yesterday and said she doesn't want to give it up.

This doesn't excuse her choices, but it will help you treat her with detached compassion, and will help you hold on to what's left of your love for her in case she repents and comes around. It does happen, and you'll be glad you treated her well.

I honestly don't feel that much love for her right now based on last night's conversation. I will continue to treat her well but it will probably be more business like.


Thanks for the hug, Puppy, back at you.