What did the horse whisper to you? And what did you say back?
It's secret horse coded whispers communicated in ways that are undetectable to unhorsers.
amd, thanks.
I sent H a sizzling email after another episode of him making something so difficult that should have been so easy. H even told me I was 'exactly right' but jeesh why does he make it so hard to get along? and that's what I asked him. He accuses me of picking fights (bad vibes there because that's what he always said when ow was a new thing) so I called out HIS behavior. I added some other things, and in the end I BEGGED him to respond. No response. He did make comments the next day about some other emails, and I asked if he got mine also. Yes he did, and then he got so iterested in the weather report that he couldn't talk anymore. There hasn't been time to bring it up again, I hope after this weekend of deadlines for H's millions of things to do for everyone else that I can approach him again.
Sometimes I wonder if H is trying in his own way and I have just lost my patience after this many years. Too little too late? Sometimes I wonder if it's spring and I want to peel off the anchors of the past and fertilize my needs and wants and make my own ideas grow. I blame H for robbing me of these last 5 years of living a real M. I blame him for robbing me of the last years of enjoying sex before menopause changed me. It brings me to tears to even type that.
I know it's me that has allowed this to continue, yet I can't change it. I was listening to my 9 year old gniece talk about her school picnic for the end of the school year. It brought back a flood of memories how much I dreaded those picnics. It took me away from my school desk and what became comfortable all year. I had to leave the safe desk and go to the picnic and find someone to play with. I hated it, I was usually the last one picked on a team when the kids did the picking even though I was very athletic and played well. I overcame that fear of being last when I made starting line up for the basketball team a year before anyone else in my class. Yet, it's so hard for me to make change and accept it.
When I told gniece I had to go home she asked why? I said because I had a lot to do around the ranch. She asked why H couldn't help with that? I was pretty surprised! but I just said "I don't know that answer."
I am more restless this year than in many, and I talk a good story yet I lack enthusiasm about anything. I feel so scatterbrained and I have a hard time keeping track of things. I have to drag myself to do anything, I want to just sit and do nothing but a busy life won't allow me to do that. Maybe I just need more sunshine to recharge.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
