Everyday you have a choice on how to view your sitch. One quote fom here that helped me: "the people who had success kept a PMA and saw the good in the situation."
Nobody asked to be here, so bloom where you are planted. DBing was the hardest thing I ever did. You can handle it. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Everyday you have a choice on how to view your sitch. One quote fom here that helped me: "the people who had success kept a PMA and saw the good in the situation."
Nobody asked to be here, so bloom where you are planted. DBing was the hardest thing I ever did. You can handle it. Cheers
Hard to be positive about it Coach! It may be more healthy to look at it that way. But when you make the most important person in the world so miserable that they leave you, because you were an idiot, it's hard to cast a positive light on that!
I know, bad things have happened to all of us here. This is the most painful, hardest, awful thing I've ever dealt with! I know we have to make the best of a bad situation, but the loss is especially hard to take when one has screwed up so badly!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
“I've done some selfish praying, I suppose, by asking God to please help us heal our marriage. That's been since very early January. Things are worse now.”
I don’t see that as “selfish” praying to ask God to help heal your M. First of all, you know that God’s will is that marriages last; however, there is that old enemy who will work to destroy the M. Not that the enemy’s power is greater than God’s b/c it isn’t, but you have people’s free will involved and God won’t mess with that.
Quote:
“Now, I'm praying that God will make his will for me known to me, and asking for his strength and guidance to do what He would have me to do.”
That is good b/c you are the only one that can allow God to help you and when you are willing, that is when God can do great things in and through you.
Quote:
“ I also pray for healing for her. I will also pray for wisdom and discernment. Is it selfish to pray that God will work on her?“
It is not selfish to ask God to help her to see through the fog. It is not selfish to ask God to give her wisdom and discernment (however, it really works well when that person does the asking, but it beats nothing at all) and it is not selfish to pray for her protection and well being. Anything that is for her good is not selfish. However, to ask God to “make” her want to be with you, stay married, etc. is interfering with her free will, and as I said before, God will not interfere with our volition. He made us to choose and just as our bad choices hurt Him, those we love can hurt us with bad choices. I think it is wonderful that you pray for wisdom and discernment b/c it will help you get through this much better.
If I may share this with you…….there is a person I work with that has made my life very miserable while I am there. Whenever I would pray the wrong way “about” her b/c I wanted God to open her eyes and make her see how mean she was being to me, or cause the boss to see what she was doing and put a stop to it, or make her feel so guilty, etc., it just wasn’t working. However, when I started praying “for” her……….then I began to see a change. Do you know the difference in praying “about” a person and praying “for” them? When I was praying “about” her, it was as if I was tattling on her to God. When I reached the place I could pray “for” her, then I had her best interest at heart, and that was what God wanted to teach me. We must have their best interest at heart, then we are not thinking about our own heart and injustice, therefore we are not praying selfishly.
Quote:
“My issues with her doing this are...
She made a vow of 'for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health, good times and bad, 'til death do us part'. Our kids would be better off in one two parent home than in two single parent homes. I think the solution to a problem isn't running away from it or separating yourself from it, but by working through it. She hasn't given our marriage that opportunity. I have made lasting changes to issues she had with me.”
Antlers, do you know how many times I have read that very statement from so many LBH’s on this board? That sort of thing just makes me want to throw up! I have heard it until I am sick to death of it. Whine and complain and having a pity party about her vows she took and the poor kids, and yada, yada, yada. You know what I think about that kind of talk? Besides making me sick? It sounds to me like a guy that is taking all the responsibility offhimself and putting it onher. That’s right! That is what I said. It is okay for a man to act however he wants to act or treat his wife and the MR however he wants to, but she better not break those wedding vows or make those kids go through all of that stuff that D brings about! God help her if she breaks those wedding vows, regardless of what kind of jerk the H may have been or however many years she put up with him! Well, maybe husbands ought to think more about those vows BEFORE she decides she has had enough and walks away!! Is it b/c the vows say for better or worse until death do us part that the H thinks he can act any old way or treat her any old way and she can't leave b/c she is tied to those vows until she dies? Well, everyone has an opinion about vows, but the fact is--she did walk away and whining about those vows get you nowhere.
There, now that I have blown that off my chest, I feel better. But I was trying to get you to see how this sounds to a WAW. When all else fails and you can’t think of anything more, then throw in the ole wedding vows, right? You are not the first man that has suffered, Antlers, and you won’t be the last. I have heard dozens of LBH’s say practically word for word what you have said regarding your pain and how horrible it is and how awful your life is and you don’t know if you can take it much longer (and the bit about the vows). They thought they would just die also, but they didn’t and neither will you! Yes, it is hard, but you have got to make yourself get through it. (This is when I want to say, “be a man”, but for some reason men don’t like that.) Women have been hurt just as bad! And, speaking of WAW's feelings…………so many wives try to tell their H’s for so many years and do not get any results, but when they leave--then the H tries to just lay down and die b/c it is soooo hard and it hurts soooo bad. Well, you think some wives haven’t lived in hurt for years before they got enough and left? Okay, so I am venting. Turn about is fair play. Sometimes, LBH's just need to hear the "other side" of things.
You said you have made lasting changes that she had issues with………how do you know they are “lasting changes”? I would like to know the answer to that. I mean, you have just now gone 7 whole days without contact. A week? You have gone one week without contact. So, how do you account for knowing you have made lasting changes? Have they been tried and tested yet? If so, for how long?
This statement you made is what sounds strong and good:
Quote:
"I love my wife, I want a new and better relationship with her, but if she is not open to that, if what has happened is too much for her, then I have to let her go. I have to find my own happiness without her, I have to seperate my hurt from the pain she is inflicting on herself and me. I need to go on, for me, and my children. I have to be strong and be the man my wife thought I should be, even if it is not with her." I just wanted to write down those words for myself...I'm not there yet!”
That is the goal to work toward each and every day. Baby step it all the way if you must, but keep on doing it. Don’t whine about her not sticking to the wedding vows and what all “she” has done to cause pain to you and the children. Think about the things you said in that quote.
Talk to you later, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Wow... heavy slap in the face with a 2x4 from sandi. I feel it too, because those are my words also.
Quote:
“My issues with her doing this are...
She made a vow of 'for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health, good times and bad, 'til death do us part'. Our kids would be better off in one two parent home than in two single parent homes. I think the solution to a problem isn't running away from it or separating yourself from it, but by working through it. She hasn't given our marriage that opportunity. I have made lasting changes to issues she had with me.”
But it is so hard to keep working each and every day, when there is absolutely no sign of softening or changing of heart.
Sandi has good advice, listen to her. She's given up on me, probably because I didn't to listen to her advice, but no matter what anyone tells me, I refuse to give up on my family. I'm praying for you antlers.
I continue to ask Him to help heal our marriage, and to help her heal. Some think it's selfish, some don't. I don't know. I don't think God wants us to get divorced. Do you really think Satan is involved? I also ask God to speak to her regarding our marriage. I'm also praying to know His will for me, and for strength and guidance to do his will.
I want God to help me. I've been asking for His help regarding this matter for 5 months, and a lot of the time, I've felt that nobody was on the other end! That shook me even more! I feel like I have been willing...and I want God to do great things in and through me. It just hasn't happened yet. I'm ready for it to happen. Is it because I'm not willing enough yet, or what?
I'll continue to ask Him to help her see through the fog, and I'll continue asking Him for wisdom and discernment for us both. I want her to be protected and well. I know that I hurt her, a lot, over the years. It's doubtful that she'll ever forgive me. And I've also felt pain like I've never known since this awful stuff began. I've really wanted to feel much more from God during this time than I have. My faith was really shaken, early on, when all of this began.
Yes Sandi, I see the difference. I don't want to be selfish, especially in prayer. I will work harder at praying 'for' her. I want her to be happy and fulfilled...and I want that for myself also. I hope we can be together, although it looks bleak for us.
Nauseated Sandi? Let me provide you with some Zofran in 'word form'. I have taken about 99% of the responsibility for our marital problems, and I've written about it in my thread from the very beginning. Occasionally, right or wrong, I have the thought cross my mind that 'if your marriage vows don't mean anything to you...then what the heck does?' And I'll write it down here if I'm thinking that at the time. I assure you 'that' thought, as opposed to me taking the overwhelming majority of the blame, is fleeting at best! It's miniscule! I then think that 'well, I promised to love her and cherish her also...and I didn't do that!' That's breaking the vows also! So, I know where you're coming from...I really do. But rest assured, I know why my wife left. It was my fault. It was a failure of compassion on my part. Plain and simple. And I regret it daily. The regret and remorse, especially now that I know better, are very heavy weights for me to carry around. I don't really know how to drop these weights either!
I'm glad that you feel better, and I hope the anti-emetic that I tried to give you helps! I'm sure it sounds like a crock to a WAW. They have justified to themselves the actions they take, right or wrong. It had to be pretty darned bad for them to get to the point where they do what they do. That doesn't change the fact that they put their needs ahead of the needs of the kids, in some instances. There is a selfishness involved in some of their actions. That's just the way it is. These actions wouldn't have happened though if they weren't made to feel so miserable by their husbands over the years. I know that I'm not alone Sandi...many have suffered much more than me. That doesn't change the fact for me though, that my pain and grief are mine...and it hurts like a mutha! I know now that I won't die, although there was a time that I thought I would...or wanted to. I know it's up to me to get through it, and I want to...it's just a sad thing, and I hate it. I know she has been hurt...bad. It's OK for you to vent Sandi...you have helped so many people here. Vent away! I have learned so much, and continue to do so...it's just a darn shame that I didn't know this stuff years ago. It's sad. I could have prevented so much anger and resentment and hurt. It's a heavy load Sandi.
I am committed to making the changes that I have made, and continue to make, lasting. It's a daily committment. It's not something you just 'do', and it's done forever. I think I'll have to work at it daily, from now on, and I will. Now it's 8 whole days without any contact. That's something. Baby steps...but steps nonetheless. That has nothing to do with the changes that I've made. They are apart form this week or so with no contact. I've been working on these changes since December. I've learned. I'm still learning. I'll continue too! I've made a firm committment to do so. Just like a marriage requires hard work and committment on a daily basis! When tested, I may mess up and make mistakes too...but I'm still firmly committed to make the changes 'lasting'. That's how I know!
I agree Sandi. I think it's a good goal to work towards each and every day too! I really don't like thinking about a life without her, but I know it might happen. This is my doing Sandi, it's not hers. I know that. She has made some bad decisions, in my opinion, that were not in the best interests of our kids. There was some selfishness involved on her part. But I know that I drove her to that point. It was me that caused it. I'm not blaming her. I've shouldered the blame. I'll have to baby step it all the way, but I intend to continue. It's hard to let her go, because I do love her. And I have so many regrets. I know what I want, and God knows what I want, but if she doesn't want it...and right now she doesn't...then I have to go on. As hard as it is, and as sad as it is...I have to go on. I don't want it to be that way. But I have to learn to live with this, and be stronger and more knowledgeable. I want so much to be happy and strong. I want to love and enjoy our kids, and I want them to love and enjoy me. I'm so sorry this happened. I was just wrong about so many things. But I am different now. Like I said...I'm not there yet, but I want to be.
I love 'ya Sandi. Talk to 'ya later.
antlers
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
But it is so hard to keep working each and every day, when there is absolutely no sign of softening or changing of heart.
When you stop looking the signs will appear.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Wow... heavy slap in the face with a 2x4 from sandi. I feel it too, because those are my words also.
Quote:
“My issues with her doing this are...
She made a vow of 'for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health, good times and bad, 'til death do us part'. Our kids would be better off in one two parent home than in two single parent homes. I think the solution to a problem isn't running away from it or separating yourself from it, but by working through it. She hasn't given our marriage that opportunity. I have made lasting changes to issues she had with me.”
But it is so hard to keep working each and every day, when there is absolutely no sign of softening or changing of heart.
Sandi has good advice, listen to her. She's given up on me, probably because I didn't to listen to her advice, but no matter what anyone tells me, I refuse to give up on my family. I'm praying for you antlers.
Hi song.
Regarding slaps in the face with 2x4's...bring 'em! I want them, and I need them!
I think, song, that we have to continue working each and every day, even if there is no softening or changing of the heart on their part. We have to do it for us, and our kids. Our wives have left our marriages. Plain and simple. And they might not come back. Mine killed me with her words on April 30th. I've got to keep living though, so do you.
Sandi's great! I get a lot out of reading her posts to others, and I know you do too. I appreciate your prayers song. I'll have good thoughts for you too. I'm not giving up either...but, it's not up to us anymore. It's up to our wives. If they decide to end our marriages with divorce...then it'll happen. We don't want it to. God knows we don't want it to. But we have to keep living regardless, not just exhisting, but living! We have kids, and we have to be stronger, not only for ourselves, but for them. I don't want this to happen, to either of us. I'm still hopeful, as dismal as it seems. I don't even know anymore if it's a false hope...seems like it right now...she sounds pretty firm and strong.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
