Newly separated...spouse left, 3rd thread

[antlers]

Hi Sandi.

I continue to ask Him to help heal our marriage, and to help her heal. Some think it's selfish, some don't. I don't know. I don't think God wants us to get divorced. Do you really think Satan is involved? I also ask God to speak to her regarding our marriage. I'm also praying to know His will for me, and for strength and guidance to do his will.

I want God to help me. I've been asking for His help regarding this matter for 5 months, and a lot of the time, I've felt that nobody was on the other end! That shook me even more! I feel like I have been willing...and I want God to do great things in and through me. It just hasn't happened yet. I'm ready for it to happen. Is it because I'm not willing enough yet, or what?

I'll continue to ask Him to help her see through the fog, and I'll continue asking Him for wisdom and discernment for us both. I want her to be protected and well. I know that I hurt her, a lot, over the years. It's doubtful that she'll ever forgive me. And I've also felt pain like I've never known since this awful stuff began. I've really wanted to feel much more from God during this time than I have. My faith was really shaken, early on, when all of this began.

Yes Sandi, I see the difference. I don't want to be selfish, especially in prayer. I will work harder at praying 'for' her. I want her to be happy and fulfilled...and I want that for myself also. I hope we can be together, although it looks bleak for us.

Nauseated Sandi? Let me provide you with some Zofran in 'word form'. I have taken about 99% of the responsibility for our marital problems, and I've written about it in my thread from the very beginning. Occasionally, right or wrong, I have the thought cross my mind that 'if your marriage vows don't mean anything to you...then what the heck does?' And I'll write it down here if I'm thinking that at the time. I assure you 'that' thought, as opposed to me taking the overwhelming majority of the blame, is fleeting at best! It's miniscule! I then think that 'well, I promised to love her and cherish her also...and I didn't do that!' That's breaking the vows also! So, I know where you're coming from...I really do. But rest assured, I know why my wife left. It was my fault. It was a failure of compassion on my part. Plain and simple. And I regret it daily. The regret and remorse, especially now that I know better, are very heavy weights for me to carry around. I don't really know how to drop these weights either!

I'm glad that you feel better, and I hope the anti-emetic that I tried to give you helps! I'm sure it sounds like a crock to a WAW. They have justified to themselves the actions they take, right or wrong. It had to be pretty darned bad for them to get to the point where they do what they do. That doesn't change the fact that they put their needs ahead of the needs of the kids, in some instances. There is a selfishness involved in some of their actions. That's just the way it is. These actions wouldn't have happened though if they weren't made to feel so miserable by their husbands over the years. I know that I'm not alone Sandi...many have suffered much more than me. That doesn't change the fact for me though, that my pain and grief are mine...and it hurts like a mutha! I know now that I won't die, although there was a time that I thought I would...or wanted to. I know it's up to me to get through it, and I want to...it's just a sad thing, and I hate it. I know she has been hurt...bad. It's OK for you to vent Sandi...you have helped so many people here. Vent away! I have learned so much, and continue to do so...it's just a darn shame that I didn't know this stuff years ago. It's sad. I could have prevented so much anger and resentment and hurt. It's a heavy load Sandi.

I am committed to making the changes that I have made, and continue to make, lasting. It's a daily committment. It's not something you just 'do', and it's done forever. I think I'll have to work at it daily, from now on, and I will. Now it's 8 whole days without any contact. That's something. Baby steps...but steps nonetheless. That has nothing to do with the changes that I've made. They are apart form this week or so with no contact. I've been working on these changes since December. I've learned. I'm still learning. I'll continue too! I've made a firm committment to do so. Just like a marriage requires hard work and committment on a daily basis! When tested, I may mess up and make mistakes too...but I'm still firmly committed to make the changes 'lasting'. That's how I know!

I agree Sandi. I think it's a good goal to work towards each and every day too! I really don't like thinking about a life without her, but I know it might happen. This is my doing Sandi, it's not hers. I know that. She has made some bad decisions, in my opinion, that were not in the best interests of our kids. There was some selfishness involved on her part. But I know that I drove her to that point. It was me that caused it. I'm not blaming her. I've shouldered the blame. I'll have to baby step it all the way, but I intend to continue. It's hard to let her go, because I do love her. And I have so many regrets. I know what I want, and God knows what I want, but if she doesn't want it...and right now she doesn't...then I have to go on. As hard as it is, and as sad as it is...I have to go on. I don't want it to be that way. But I have to learn to live with this, and be stronger and more knowledgeable. I want so much to be happy and strong. I want to love and enjoy our kids, and I want them to love and enjoy me. I'm so sorry this happened. I was just wrong about so many things. But I am different now. Like I said...I'm not there yet, but I want to be.

I love 'ya Sandi. Talk to 'ya later.

antlers