I saw "Fireproof" too and it made me think about a lot of things as well. Good story - simple, yes - but still hit home on how you need to work together to keep your love alive in a marriage and how you can sometimes do everything possible and make a complete and total change, but your spouse won't see it.
The marriage fight message was one I was able to absorb, but the fact that you can only control your actions also stood out to me.
First she told me that she had broken up w/BF and explained why. He had been kind of crappy w/her and she then said "that was a big reason why I was so angry toward you...that and I had to work through some things."
She continued to say she'd found a new therapist who was "much, much better than my last one" and this therapist has her working through things in her past.
Anyway, the shocking part is she APOLOGIZED to me. She said "I'm sorry for being angry at you. I'm sorry that we haven't gotten along because of how I treated you. There are a ton of things I could apologize to you for, but I am sorry and I just hope you can forgive me or move past this. Please know I am not angry any more. I've been able to work through it."
WOW! THats a tonne of realisations and reality check, apologies and I dont know whats all rolled into one !! I'm really happy for you, if she is going to be less vitriolic from now on. And yes, I am sure you feel a little vindicated. But what did she mean.. she was being angry and narky with you because OM was treating her badly?? Did I read that right? I think I said she has no idea how hard it is to be "back at there" at this age and not every new R will last and not every new man will be as committed and faithful as you were.. so now she is learning perhaps what she threw away (without even trying to fix it). I'm not saying all R's will last, but it bugged me that for me and you and Kalni and others, they just up and walked out, no real discussion or any attempt to fix it before they left.
I am glad your W apologised to you! So how are you feeling about it, really?
xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I'm a master at putting off. So, I've been very productive at work this week and I like the new focus on "doing what I need to do when I need to do it regardless of how I feel about it."
Seems that we are of like-minds! See my tag line...?
"Where was this therapist when I was still married? I could have saved my marriage if she had someone to get her to look inward sooner. In any event, it is better late than never, right?"
Rob, Looking back at the time history of events there's a lot of "if only" conditions. When I look back the last 5 years I see that at every potential turning point or positive opportunity something else negative became a show stopper. I have read here that "timing" is everything or "time waits for nobody" and thing's along those lines. This is indeed a big unexplained mystery, why in some rare 'sitches' the timing works and in others in does not.
I saw fireproof the week it came out (strangely it made me cry) and I even got the Love Dare workbook. What struck me as most significant is that he had to put his love of God first and then things started to turn around, not before. Sometimes I'm talking to my D12 about something important and she is tuned out or rather tuned in to something else very trivial. Perhaps God needs our undivided attention. Perhaps that explains the "mystery" of timing I allude to above.
I don't know about you but I still cringe at the term "co-parenting" and "my child's mother"!!!
Sorry I've been away from your sitch. I've not just been busy, but I've been "sofa king" busy w/prepping my kids for their AP test. I'll be catching up w/you soon.
You ask how I feel about it and I'm a bit mixed. Sad on one hand for what was lost, but glad on the other and hopeful for the potential of a future where we could look to raise our D together w/out major conflict.
Today she sent me an e-mail asking if I was ok w/D taking swimming lessons and I told her yes! I'm hoping this will continue to be "normal" but I'm not going to get too comfortable until she shows me something over an extended period of time.
fb2 - I agree. It is sad to look back at times b/c you do wonder "what if." You really can't help but do it. I'm not planning on dwelling on it, but I do wonder.
The religious vein also caught me a bit and made me think, too.
Kerry, I also found myself in tears. It is a powerful message and I couldn't help but to place myself and my XW in the parts of the actors in the movie.
This story line made me seriously wonder "what if" I had "figured things out" sooner? That is my lingering question and one that will never be answered.
So, I'll just look to take my experience and move forward w/it to be a better man in my next relationship.
Well, I sent off information about pensions to XW that she'll get tomorrow. I laid out some of the basics w/out being specific, but also put out two extremely fair offers to her to settle w/out going through the legal process and spending any more money.
I'm hoping she'll look at these and pick one of the two so we can settle up and move on. It would be so nice to get this over with, but I'm not holding my breath for her to act in a good way. I'll keep my fingers crossed it will happen, however.
Personally, I do have someone I'm interested in and I'm working hard to take it slowly to not seem too eager or needy. I've been with her three or four times and so far, things are really good.
My problem is with being patient and letting things just happen. I'm doing my best to change this part of me, but old habits do die hard, unfortunately.
So, for now, I'm focusing on my thoughts of self-discipline as they apply w/dating too: Do what you should do when you should do it regardless of how you feel about it. I'm doing this w/this new lady b/c I want to contact her, but know I shouldn't "overwhelm" her w/contact, so I repeat the above phrase to myself whenever I get anxious about talking w/her.
Oh, I wish it was easier. I hate being in a spot where you really like someone again because it was so nice to originally get it out of the way, date, be married, and feel like you'll never have to go through it all again.
I know that isn't reality, but I kind of miss those days right now.
Just know that you are not alone in those thoughts. This came to me in a moment when I was upset with how things are going: Be patient. He wants you too.
So make that fit your situation. Be patient. No one that I know wants to go back to being available to get to do this all over again. But here we are. The one advantage I feel that we have is that we know what we want and we have looked at ourselves to see where we need to make changes.
You are going to be fine.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
