Yes, but compassion is only healthy if it is practiced in both directions. If the compassion continually comes from only one side of the equation then it becomes damaging to oneself.
I don't think so! You can't be resentful, angry, or abusive if you are compassionate. I don't think compassion is ever damaging to oneself!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Hi antlers, welcome!! Bill I agree with you 100%. And Sara, what Deida is talking about, is not disgusting IMO. And believe me, all my life I was anything BUT passive and a good F couldnt make things better for me.
But I think I invented "nothing" as an answer (yes mish and naej, me too) and maybe it was my lack of understanding basic skills of communication but if my partner would approach me with humor and relax me, and made me feel safe THEN my asnwer would definitely be something else and not "nothing".
I like the idea of first feeling love and then talking about problems, issues, complaints etc etc. It's funny, I have read at least 10 books on relationships etc the last couple of years, bought online help, had been geting MF's emails etc etc. They all are very similar about many things. Communication when a couple is in love is not restricted to words, think about it. SO when we say the root of evil is poor communication sometimes we get stuck on thinking "words". But as Deida says, physical connection whether it is a hug, or making love, or laughing together ALLOWS room for words when both partners are in a good position to listen and to share. Just IMHO.
Compassion... Sigh!! I had no compassion for my husband towards the end. I was mad and resented him. I could feel no compassion for him being tired and working hard because I felt he was robbing us of our life. I never felt compassion from him either. I think he thought I didnt need it. I will never forget going to the hospital on my own for a mammogram (spel?)after I had found a lumb. I was terrified it was cancer. He went to work. I called him to tell him it was nothing. He asked again and again "are you sure? you are not hiding anything from me are you?" and that night when he came back, he hugged me and told me that if he lost me, he would die too. That was 7 months before the bomb. That night I felt loved, I realised he didnt come with me because he was too weak. I understood. Still I felt hurt and abandoned. I forgave him but I wished he had overcome his fears to be with me cause I needed him. What I felt was lack of compassion. I felt I was alone.
Anyway, the man leads, the woman leads also. Balance is the key. Masculine and feminine are very different. I cant say one is stronger than the other. I believe one needs the other to become better. "You make me want to be a better man" as Jack Nikolson says on "as good as it gets". My favorite love quote. K
I forgot to report that today I had NO contact with H. I took the kids to play to a friends' house and I was sad to hear my D ask "do they have a dad here or are they like we are?", because my friends'H was absent...
I am expecting my beads and tools next week and I delivered the 2 paintings and both customers called me to say they were amazed and asked what my standard delivery time is (hmmm, 6 months lately?) and promised they will spread the word to their circle of friends.
I may go out tomorrow night with my GF from out of town and a lot of people are quiting my company because a new airline has offered them better positions (6 persons quit today from my Division only). I am glad for them and hopeful that we will soon have internal openings which may give me the chance to change positions sooner than what I was hoping for... K
Hey K.. thats great news !! About work I mean.. that you may be able to move to another position, which is what you have been hoping for (away from your nasty no-bonus giving boss!)
I cant believe your H didnt come for the mamogram with you. My ex insisted on taking the day off work to come when I had to have a lump checked.. turned out not to be a lump at all, but he was right there with me.. in the consulting room, holding my hand as I lay with my top bare! Ditto any health issues. Ditto all my interview days at college.. he drove me, carried my portfolio, took time off work. You also said your H shouted and slammed doors and stuff. My ex only ever raised his voice once at me, just before the bomb.
I dont want to H bash, but the more you reveal about him, he does sound like a very selfish partner and its a wonder you have survived an R with him. Not that you seem to be in one now, if he didnt even phone you ! Thats sad about your D, must have been difficult to answer her question.
I am going to the post office tommorow! Damn, he phoned at the wrong time hey.
Nice progress with the artwork and positive outlook at work!!!
The mammogram incident tells me you simply did not "communicate" to H what you wanted - his fear was real - you understood it and had the opportunity to be "compassionate".
No, I don't believe women are the 'weaker sex' or that men should be the ones to 'lead' or that women are always 'more nurturing' or that 'communication' and 'compassion' are the answer. I believe all these are just societal stereotypes. And these popular psychology books like "Dieda" and "Patricia Evans"? I believe they are essentially garbage. With all due respect I absolutely do not believe in Astrology, except as entertainment value. I believe in the "scientific approach" to understanding things. What book(s) would I recommend for you then? One such book that's quite readable is "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail" by John Gottman which is based on many years of scientific research in modern society.
That said I do believe in the sanctity of marriage and the associated life-long commitment and I do not believe in "casual sex". And I am a practicing Roman Catholic, not just for Easter and Christmas and not ashamed of it. Am I perfect - NO WAY! Why did I let go of my "thread"? Because, I took a "pointed position" and lost - I felt the thread would cause me to want to indulge in self-pity. I am close to the "official D" - I still feel very hurt and afraid at times - and you all will too from time to time - but I know my W's true character now which I still find hard to believe. For now its like "I'm married", "W's single" ;-) And I'm very busy with my work and looking after my 2 kids.
Have I learned a lot here? Yes and no. One guy's advice I do like a lot is 'coach' - it seems to be based on very solid principles. But I mainly want to see some of my friends thru' this ordeal and you are one of them.
More later ... Got to give the kids dinner now ;-)
K, To further clarify IMO some of these "pop psych" books are "garbage" because: (1) they are not based on proven scientific facts (2) they are so imbalanced that they do nothing to heal the relationship (3) they are invariable not read by the spouse who really should be reading them. IMO it really makes much more sense to focus on books and things that YOU need to be doing not what your spouse needs to be doing. For example there's a book "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr Laura Schlessinger - this is garbage if a man wants to get his W to change - she will simply throw the book at him.
