I didn't want you to think I had left you forever! But, as you see, you have had good folks to come talk to you and I knew they would. Glad you came over to this forum.
As for the dinner date with H's friends that he set up......I am thinking maybe Jack the Bean would be the man to tell you how to handle this. I may tend to be a little tough on the H..... Personally, I think under the circumstances of everything involved, I would not cover up for him and I would not go to the dinner with them since it is his friends and they work with OW b/c I think that is unfair of him to expect that of you and put you in that situation. If he refuses to even show up at the game or he doesn't even call them to let them know ahead of game time.....then I would just tell them that he bailed. Plain and simple. Why make excuses for him? Why fill in his place for dinner with them? If they were friends of the two of you, then it would be different. But, maybe Jack will have a different opinion and share with you.
This was a question you had a several posts back, but I wanted to share my POV.
Quote:
How can they do this to their kids? What do I tell the boys when they ask where he is and why he never showed? (note: we haven't even told the boys he's moved out, they just think he's had lots of business travel with new job)
First, as you already know by now, he is in MLC which also causes him to be in a very thick brain fog. He thinks of nobody as much as he thinks of himself......which I think he has proven time and time again.
I personally think you should have a scheduled time set for him to see the boys. Not just a schedule day, but a time slot on that day. I would give him so much time in that "slot" to show up to get the boys and tell him that if he is not there by the end of that time slot, that you will assume he is not coming for them and you will make plans for them to do other things. What you or the boys do is of no business of his and you do not owe him an explanation if he asks. It is not right to keep you and the boys waiting all day long to see if he is coming or not. It puts your life on hold and keeps the kids tense and upset.
This is JMHO, but don't you think the boys need to be told the truth about their dad not living at home? I believe they probably have figured it out, but they may have something worse imagined......who knows? I really don't think it is fair to them to try to continue to keep it covered up. I know you want to protect them, but I personally believe you owe it to them to tell them. They could possibly be relieved to some extent to know the truth b/c as I said, they may think something worse is going on with their dad. I know you are thinking, "What could be worse?" But, we never know what is going through kids' minds. I also think you should stop covering for him all the time. Even knowing it hurts the boys, and you are afraid they will think their dad don't love them anymore, etc. They deserve to know the truth about him not living there. I would not go into detail about the OW at this time. I would tell them that their dad is going through some tough personal complications in his life that he is having to sort out and it causes him to not stick to his schedules like he should or to put things in proper priorities, but that he does love them in spite of how strange he may act at times. I don't know if that is a very good explanation or not. You can probably think of a much better one. I would not over-do b/c I don't think your H should be defended too much to the kids (like mothers tend to do) b/c he needs to answer to them himself.
As for having the boys to call him......I would not mention it unless they ask to call him. I believe if your H wanted to talk to his children that he would call them. He may believe you are using them as a means of getting close to him yourself.
I know all of this is extremely hard for you. I know watching your boys suffer is terrible for you. Maybe I am too hard on the H's who leave their families. There is a time for understanding and a time for tough love. To know which time to do what is the catch.
Take care, and I'll talk to you later.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Personally, I think under the circumstances of everything involved, I would not cover up for him and I would not go to the dinner with them since it is his friends and they work with OW b/c I think that is unfair of him to expect that of you and put you in that situation. If he refuses to even show up at the game or he doesn't even call them to let them know ahead of game time.....then I would just tell them that he bailed. Plain and simple. Why make excuses for him? Why fill in his place for dinner with them? If they were friends of the two of you, then it would be different. But, maybe Jack will have a different opinion and share with you. 