PM Thread #5 - Hope new plan works

[PositivelyMommy]

Thanks Davidswife, Mark and JCJ. I felt your vibes and prayers. Today went well.

I arrived at the office on time. My H was already sitting in the waiting area. He looks up:
H: Hi, you look good. (He hasn't commented on my looks since breakup.)
Me: (Big smile)Thanks. How's it going with you?

H then proceeds to tell me about his work, same as when we're still together. He is complaining about his clients, his long hours etc.(Exactly the same as when we were together and when I adviced him in the past to take it easy, your work is getting you down etc.) But this time I just nodded, kept my mouth shut and listened. No advice. I am thinking to myself, see, you are miserable because of the way you handle your work, not because I am nagging you. You are still miserable. Your assumption that when I am gone, you problems would be gone also are incorrect. But outwardly, I am just a female nodding, making eye-contact, listening intently to his comments.

We proceed in the office and the C based this session around the children. That's it. No R talk, great. Not good for my DB'ing anyway. No finances, neither of us are irresponsible.

C asked if H still plans to remain separated and then the expectation down the road was D. H replied yes. C asked me the same question, I replied no. That is not what I plan (meaning I am still open to reconcile after separation, not just D.) So C said well, it is still good to have an agreement in place if we decide to be remain separated and then he explained the options of amicably D or go the lawyers route.

H was visibly tense during the whole hour.

The C went through all the big kids-related issues like college, what our opinions are. Like how to coordinate rules, what we think about dating and lastly 'third parties'.

We agree most on everything and some things we had to think through like what age is appropriate for dating etc. But on third parties, the convo got interesting.
He asked H first what he thought.

H:I came from a broken home and third parties did nothing for me at all. I don't see a need to introduce third parties to the children at all, anytime in the future. Ever.

(So here I am thinking, I wonder what OW thinks about this. That H will just close off a part of his life to her. I wonder if this is OK with her. As a woman, I know that I would want to be part of my man's life and if he closes one part of it out, I would be hurt that he doesn't trust me and doesn't even consult me on this issue before making a 'final decision'. It's not a give-and-take relationship. More like a dictatorship. Hehe, I see problems cropping up already.)

So then the C asked me what I thought. I think the C was expecting me to give my opinion of 'no way no how is H going to introduce OW to our kids.' Instead, I did which neither of them expected.

Me: Well, hypothetically speaking, if we were to get a D, I would want to move home and be remarried. I like to be married. If I meet someone new, I would want that someone to share my life with me. The kids are a huge part of my life. So how can I say to the kids, "Mom is going out now and I won't tell you where I am going or who I am with?" It's not realistic. Especially since we would be moved and not living in the same city as H, I will have the kids with me almost 100% of the time!

Then I proceeded to say:

Me: But for the short term I agree with H. No need to tell about third parties just now since the kids don't even know we are separated. It would be a big shock for them.

I felt the tension in my H. I, on the other hand, was totally relaxed because that was just how I thought of the sitch, there was no emotion attached and I didn't want my H to do anything. I was expecting nothing from him. So eventhough he is the one having the A, he is the one suffering and I am the one who is relaxed and happy and thinking of my happy future!!

I did so well. So in essence I was hinting to H: I am happy, I don't need you. I can plan a happy future without you with the children. If you choose to leave us and D me then you have to do what you have to do but don't expect my life to s*ck or that our kids will not have another male figure in their life. I will continue to have a family and plan to build a new one because that is just who I am.

I think he got the message loud and clear. I think the C deliberately gave me this platform to do this. The C also set up the platform for H to think about kids-related issues which he hasn't even considered, like talking about dating and s*x education and such. I think H always assumed that I would handle it. But C is in essence saying, you are not together anymore, you need to carry your weight as a father, H, and consider these things and come to an early agreement. Otherwise you will have a lot of arguments with PM in the future because these things were not planned out and coordinated.

We will think about these issues and get back to C in two weeks. After the session as we were walking out,

H said sheepishly, 'We can talk this weekend if you'd like to talk.'
Me: Sure, how about one night after the kids go to sleep?
H: OK, Sunday night.
Me: OK.

Then I gave him a sideways smile, with a flirty look and the wind had whipped up my hair and I said:

Me: Thanks for the meeting today.
H: (looking totally surprised) Oh, OK.

I walked away.

I had deliberately said after the kids sleep because he always rushes to OW (I assume) after he leaves our house. So it would be great if he has to tell her that he will be late seeing her. Hehe.

I will see what is on his mind. He probably want to discuss more kids-issues. Probably not R.

I feel that he is still conflicted eventhough he confirmed to C that he wants to remain separated and eventually proceed to D. I don't feel that he is 100% comfortable with this decision yet, otherwise, he would be relaxed and happy and able to look me in the eye and wouldn't appear so tense all the time. My parents think that he doesn't even smile anymore, that his smiles are so forced, it's painful to watch. This man is not a happy WAS. I hope he realizes this soon before it is too late.

Well, babysteps. At least he is opening up in one aspect of our R - talking about kids. So I am going to give myself a big pat on the back. One step forward toward my goal.