Newly separated...spouse left, 3rd thread

[sandi2]

“I've done some selfish praying, I suppose, by asking God to please help us heal our marriage. That's been since very early January. Things are worse now.”

I don’t see that as “selfish” praying to ask God to help heal your M. First of all, you know that God’s will is that marriages last; however, there is that old enemy who will work to destroy the M. Not that the enemy’s power is greater than God’s b/c it isn’t, but you have people’s free will involved and God won’t mess with that.

“Now, I'm praying that God will make his will for me known to me, and asking for his strength and guidance to do what He would have me to do.”

That is good b/c you are the only one that can allow God to help you and when you are willing, that is when God can do great things in and through you.

“ I also pray for healing for her. I will also pray for wisdom and discernment. Is it selfish to pray that God will work on her?“

It is not selfish to ask God to help her to see through the fog. It is not selfish to ask God to give her wisdom and discernment (however, it really works well when that person does the asking, but it beats nothing at all) and it is not selfish to pray for her protection and well being. Anything that is for her good is not selfish. However, to ask God to “make” her want to be with you, stay married, etc. is interfering with her free will, and as I said before, God will not interfere with our volition. He made us to choose and just as our bad choices hurt Him, those we love can hurt us with bad choices. I think it is wonderful that you pray for wisdom and discernment b/c it will help you get through this much better.

If I may share this with you…….there is a person I work with that has made my life very miserable while I am there. Whenever I would pray the wrong way “about” her b/c I wanted God to open her eyes and make her see how mean she was being to me, or cause the boss to see what she was doing and put a stop to it, or make her feel so guilty, etc., it just wasn’t working. However, when I started praying “for” her……….then I began to see a change. Do you know the difference in praying “about” a person and praying “for” them? When I was praying “about” her, it was as if I was tattling on her to God. When I reached the place I could pray “for” her, then I had her best interest at heart, and that was what God wanted to teach me. We must have their best interest at heart, then we are not thinking about our own heart and injustice, therefore we are not praying selfishly.

“My issues with her doing this are...

She made a vow of 'for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health, good times and bad, 'til death do us part'. Our kids would be better off in one two parent home than in two single parent homes. I think the solution to a problem isn't running away from it or separating yourself from it, but by working through it. She hasn't given our marriage that opportunity. I have made lasting changes to issues she had with me.”

Antlers, do you know how many times I have read that very statement from so many LBH’s on this board? That sort of thing just makes me want to throw up! I have heard it until I am sick to death of it. Whine and complain and having a pity party about her vows she took and the poor kids, and yada, yada, yada. You know what I think about that kind of talk? Besides making me sick? It sounds to me like a guy that is taking all the responsibility off himself and putting it on her. That’s right! That is what I said. It is okay for a man to act however he wants to act or treat his wife and the MR however he wants to, but she better not break those wedding vows or make those kids go through all of that stuff that D brings about! God help her if she breaks those wedding vows, regardless of what kind of jerk the H may have been or however many years she put up with him! Well, maybe husbands ought to think more about those vows BEFORE she decides she has had enough and walks away!! Is it b/c the vows say for better or worse until death do us part that the H thinks he can act any old way or treat her any old way and she can't leave b/c she is tied to those vows until she dies? Well, everyone has an opinion about vows, but the fact is--she did walk away and whining about those vows get you nowhere.

There, now that I have blown that off my chest, I feel better. But I was trying to get you to see how this sounds to a WAW. When all else fails and you can’t think of anything more, then throw in the ole wedding vows, right? You are not the first man that has suffered, Antlers, and you won’t be the last. I have heard dozens of LBH’s say practically word for word what you have said regarding your pain and how horrible it is and how awful your life is and you don’t know if you can take it much longer (and the bit about the vows). They thought they would just die also, but they didn’t and neither will you! Yes, it is hard, but you have got to make yourself get through it. (This is when I want to say, “be a man”, but for some reason men don’t like that.) Women have been hurt just as bad! And, speaking of WAW's feelings…………so many wives try to tell their H’s for so many years and do not get any results, but when they leave--then the H tries to just lay down and die b/c it is soooo hard and it hurts soooo bad. Well, you think some wives haven’t lived in hurt for years before they got enough and left? Okay, so I am venting. Turn about is fair play. Sometimes, LBH's just need to hear the "other side" of things.

You said you have made lasting changes that she had issues with………how do you know they are “lasting changes”? I would like to know the answer to that. I mean, you have just now gone 7 whole days without contact. A week? You have gone one week without contact. So, how do you account for knowing you have made lasting changes? Have they been tried and tested yet? If so, for how long?

This statement you made is what sounds strong and good:

"I love my wife, I want a new and better relationship with her, but if she is not open to that, if what has happened is too much for her, then I have to let her go. I have to find my own happiness without her, I have to seperate my hurt from the pain she is inflicting on herself and me. I need to go on, for me, and my children. I have to be strong and be the man my wife thought I should be, even if it is not with her." I just wanted to write down those words for myself...I'm not there yet!”

That is the goal to work toward each and every day. Baby step it all the way if you must, but keep on doing it. Don’t whine about her not sticking to the wedding vows and what all “she” has done to cause pain to you and the children. Think about the things you said in that quote.

Talk to you later,
Sandi