To be honest I just did this to piss him off and to get a good laugh. He wanted to get a rise out of me and I know he wished I had more to say like usual. But just ok ... I enjoyed that.
To be honest, I think it would be even more effective to not respond at all when he tries to hook you in. I think your texting him the ok shows he's still important in your life and you should try not to text unless it's actually related to business or something important. I mean your goal shouldn't be to piss him off, but to get on with your busy life and ignore him as much as possible. Karen
So after H's last text and my hours of laughter I decided to be a bit naughty. About 5 hours after I received H's last text message, I texted him: "OK".
To be honest I just did this to piss him off and to get a good laugh. He wanted to get a rise out of me and I know he wished I had more to say like usual. But just ok ... I enjoyed that.
Hey Karen, I know I know, I need to not focus on giving H attention but sometimes don't you just wanna make your H a bit uneasy/unhappy as he has made you. I'm not talking about that being the goal, but a little fun doesn't hurt. Because I certainly had enjoyed that ok text to H. Oh it was hilarious!!! I'm still laughing now.
I think I'm just further along in this than you, my sitch has been dragging on so I'm more detached. I think when you're really detaching or close to detaching, you really don't want to make them uneasy or mess with your WAS. I pray for him actually. Now, if you'd asked me a year ago... Karen
Let me just say: DIVORCE BUSTING techniques work!!!!
So H just called me. I was going to answer, in fact I let the cell and work ph ring out and then something told me to call him back. So he wanted to talk b/c he's been doing a lot of thinking. I tried really hard to just listen, and I think I did a good job but I did add my two cents. He said tons...
So he talked about how he's tired and every mornign he's waking up with a headache and he getting older and he's been thinking about all the things I've said and I was right about a lot of things. He said that mainly he thought about me saying that he walked away from the family and he realized that he did have a family with my family and his and he was thinking about all the places we have all gone to as a family. And he said that he knows he needed to realize this on his own and some people just have to realize things on their own. I even said that I don't want him to feel like I would want him to just walk away from his son but the goal would be to bring his son into our family.
He said that its like if someone just gives you money compared to working for money and he knows he's taken a lot of stuff for granted. He even said my quote that I always use and I got it engraved in wood in the home "If you feed it, it will grow. If you starve it, it will die." And he knows he hasn't fed us. I agreed. And then I jumped on the opportunity to used a line that I planned on telling him, you know I feel like my love for your H is dying because it is being starved all this time. He said then is there a chance for us and I said well if you feed it it will grow I guess. He then went on to tell me that he's just trying to figure soem things out but he just wants to do right by me. I went into but you are not telling me what you need to figure out so you can't expect me to sit around. So he opened up and said that he needs to find a better place for his son to live b/c he can't leave him there (remember h and Ow are in a room in some dungeon/oh sorry a basement renting with ow people. when H moved ow conveniently had no place to live and he had to find them a place since she was not working either. but I think he wanted to do this though.) Anyway, I was starting to speak a little harsh and said that how do you expect me to wait til you take care of ow and her children. I ask are you going to take custody of you son otherwise there will be many other times that your son will not be in a good situation. He then went to say that he's coming to me honestly and I said I think one of the things I have done wrong in the past is you come to me to be honest I have shut you down and he said you're doing that now. So I apologized and said that's not my intention and I know how much you love your son but this is a difficult situation and you can't expect me to understand you taking care of another woman. We calmed down though and I asked what is his plan. Has he given ow a timeframe of when to find a place to move out. I even said how does she feel about this b/c will she want to move out and leave you or will she prolong this. He said he has thought about that and something will have to give pretty soon [look how I'm coming back home by the end of the summer has turned into pretty soon.]
He even asked if I would want to take custody of his son and I said I would support him on whatever he wants to do. He said that he wouldn't want to deal with the stress of having ow in court. But I did tell him I know he couldn't just leave them there and I know him that it would weigh on his consciense but this is a difficult situation that he will have to figure out. He said that he thinks that OW would even let him have his son and I said that he has legal rights and OW can't keep him from his son legally. Oh, we had a big breakthrough, I told him that when I first found out about his son I truly wanted to accept him but he made it difficult for me and everyone in the family when he continued sleeping with ow. He completely understood that and it was so sincere in his voice. He said if someone had come to him explaining the situation he would tell them the same thing too. I thanked him for understanding. And told him that's why at this point I cannot accept him or his son if he continues to be with ow.
Anyway, tons was said. Oh, get this he even brought up that last night how OW was cursing his wife and he shut he up and told her watch her mouth. But I told him that I'm not flattered - what it lets me know that for us to work that you can't be friends with ow adn for that matter I wouldn't want to be friends with someone that always speaks badly of him either. Marriage is hard enough. He kinda agreed not fully yet. But that is one of my requirements. He talked about how he will just not go and treat ow badly and I said that's not what I would want, I won't want you to treat her good or bad, no treatment at all.
The end of the convo got a bit funky because he wanted us to talk about our bldg and that he would call me back later and I said to text me. He didn't like - he thought we could go on to being cool after this conversation. I explained that I until he makes some moves that I just want to stay in my corner. Then he started to get frustrated about how can we make arrangements for the bldg if we don't talk. He tried to make it seem like I am trying to make decision w/o him and I explain no just text me waht you want to do. He wants to pull me back in. But I didn't really give in. We hanged up and then I texted him a little bit after saying: I completely understand that u are trying to do right for ur son. I wish u the best with clearing things up! I just want to stay to myself until then, ok.
Interest conversation. I know I need to keep the DB efforts going.
Oh get this too... something very troubling. He asked me to not throw it back in his face but he said that sometimes he is worried that ow would hurt to her kids. He said that she says some weird things at times. I agreed with him and said that I think ow has mental issues. I honestly do. I never told you guys this but ow assaulted me before adn would even treaten to kill me. Another time she egged my house. And I'm not even sure how she knew where I was living b/c H and I had already moved out if the city. Even if she had gotten my address, I was renting an apt in a house and used a side entrance and only the side entrance was egged so she must have been watching me at some point. And then at one point H had gotten a cell phone for ow and I got hold of it and saw her phone call log and there were several instances that she call H's # for several hours straight, pages of calls to him from one minute to the next. But not only H at times b/c there were other patterns like that and it really screamed obssessive personality to me. There were instances that she would just call me over and over again. I am actually a bit concerned how this will all turn out. I know I should care too much but I asked H if ow is in contact with her family and he said he doesn't know. I have a feeling that she's not. Guys to be honest I have a feeling this will end messy. I just pray that the mess is with ow and H and does not involve me on bit. H made this mess and I think he should deal with it alone.
OMG I am starting to have a mild panic attack thinking about this. My H has made a mess of things. This whole situation is even worse than before. I'm thinking that we all know how much hurt and pain goes along with a breakup and I honestly don't think OW has the emotional, physicological, and mature capability to handle this. And without a good support system in place it can be really hard. For the times I have seen her, I see the insecurity in her face. And its one thing when you have a lot going for yourself but its a whole other to deal with the hurt of breaking up, having two kids in your early twenties and no one else there for you. And I think a big part of OW's family turning on her was that from what I gather they liked her H and they know my H is married and disliked the whole A. My guess is that is why they didn't want to take her in to live with them either. To be honest from the bits and pieces I get from H, I don't even think she has a stable family. Her dad and mom are not together and her mom is in another country even. Oh my my my.
i think u have been doing a great job, stay strong and stay alert.
situation sounds messy but try not to overwelm yourself with all of the details, take it one step at a time.
stay far away from ow, especially if she has harmed u in the past.
the best thing u can do is your own "no contact" with her. even if she calls, ignore it. i found with the ow in my situation, as long as i did not feed into her, didnt answer the calls, didnt respond to texts, she stopped trying to contact me (well atleast for the last 2 weeks, lol). as long as u do nothing, nothing can ever come back to you as you doing "something" to provoke her.
u can only take it one day at a time. i also worried what would happen when h finally ended it with ow. i really thought she would flip, i thought of amy fisher (i grew up in her town)...the ow in my situation is from another country, isnt a citizen here. she came here when she was 19, met my husband and thought she had the american dream.
and guess what - she isnt flipping to my knowledge as i thought.
we dont really know how their relationships really are, i bet they are not so great, not so care free.
i understand they have a child, which does complicate things, but u never really know how things will turn out.
try not to project, i always remind myself that.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
These OP are usually emotional people. That is why the straying spouse went toward them. The fill up what's needed, making the straying spouse feel like they are the most wonderful thing in the world. ON top of that, the straying spouse feels like they NEED them as well. Who doesn't want to feel needed? So, when deciding to leave them, all of this goes through their head......But, they NEED me. THey LOVE me so much. I feel so CHERISHED by them....blah blah blah.
My OM was like this. I knew it would be hard to leave him. As much as I knew he was not good for me and that I would be miserable being with him, I could not stop thinking about him and how he made me feel. He did drugs, had anger issues, no job, rap sheet, etc. He, up until about a couple months ago, did the call and hang up thing just about every couple weeks. This has been going on a year. I let the answering machine get my phone calls. Before, when I did answer the phone, I would get the "I love you so much" and "Look at what you did to me" all in one phone call. It shouldn't have mattered to me, but it did. I felt like I ruined his life. What I'm saying is don't underestimate how hard and how emotional this is for your H. Don't baby him, but just understand what he is dealing with. I wouldn't even talk to him about it, unless he talks to you about it. It is his mess, and it will be hard to clean it up.
