Magnificent

[mishka422]

Ok, I've been thinking on this a little today and absorbing what you all have said.

Your convo with him read that you were very curious to hear what he had to say and inviting him to speak with you, or meet and even tried to coax it out of him.

I am curious to hear what he has to say. I won't deny that. I'm not curious about how he feels about me because I know how I feel. I want to see his eyes and hear him speak. I want to know what he is thinking with regards to his desire to stay with Marc. He is a broken man. I understand why he feels this way, but I know what my son needs and that is much more important to me than anything else.

but you mention something about having to close yourself off to him and not allow yourself to go there...?

I'm being honest with myself. I know my weaknesses. I am scared out my mind to be alone for the rest of my life. I must admit that if he did want to try to reconcile our M I would be tempted because of that. I can't do that. I won't go backward. There has been to much work on my side to get to the point where I can even function on a daily basis and I know what would happen to me if I allowed him back in. I'd shatter and where would that leave Marc? Would that help him? No. What kind of a life would that be? Miserable.

or maybe since he has been kicked around by the broom lately and back to Cali may be difficult for him due to financial restraints...he may just be looking for a soft place to land....familiar territory...

Bingo. My thoughts exactly. That's why I told him that I was his comfort zone for so many years. Hopefully my saying that led him to that realization as well.

He picked Marc up last night for karate and was going to do the dishes that Marc had left half undone. I told him not to since it was Marc's job and he would just have to do it when he got home. He even played with the dog for a few minutes while he was waiting for Marc. I hope he is feeling comfortable enough to be able to be around us but I also hope that being around the house isn't confusing him further.

I just don't know what the heck to do here. It's not like I know what he's thinking. As far as I know, he's leaving for CA in less than 2 weeks. The end. Nothing for Marc. I'm it and trust me, that just isn't enough. I feel horrible for my son that I was such a mess that I couldn't keep his family together. The guilt I feel for that will hurt my heart forever, but I know that none of this was my choice. It's too late to have any regrets, I know, don't tell me. All I can do is try to make the best of things.