Magnificent

[mishka422]

Now, that's an interesting idea K. Hmmmm.....not sure if I'm the entrepeneurial type but who knows!

Dear God... What if he says he wants back? Can you handle that?

In a word....no. The immediate reaction in my head to even the thought of that is 'hell no!'. I have to think more on it, but think fast. He's meeting me at the house for lunch today. I have grown too much, changed too much, worked too hard to go backward now. I will always love Gabe because he's Marc's dad and we have so many years of shared history. I can't love the man he has become, the person he has shown himself to be. Also, as I told BBJ last night, I have enabled him for our entire R. I swept his lies under the rug, big and small. I didn't call him out on them until after the bomb. There are too many changes I would have to see and I know he is not going to make them. He doesn't want to hear what they are and has a totally defeatest attitude. I can't deal with that. My life is about total honesty, total openness, REAL EMOTION, and devotion to God. I can't live without every piece of that including a partner that respects and shares my ideals. Gabe is none of those things.

Ok, so I think I've answered the question, but I still don't know how to handle it if he brings it up. How do I tell him all of this (of course, assuming that's even broached) without destroying his fragile ego? I want him to heal, to become what he has the potential to be, but I'm not going to allow him to even remotely think that there is any possibility of reconciling our M.

[Reincarnated]

Mish, don't even go there. If he does, on an outside crazy chance, suggest reconciliation, tell him that he has to focus on one thing at a time, and right now, that is straightening himself out, becoming a whole person, without trying to have you do the work that only he can do himself.
You never have to answer the question directly. And when/if he gets to a stronger place, he will be ok hearing the answer.

Meanwhile, sounds good that you have someone to mow the lawn!

Oh, and the way those people can afford the gold while getting services? Its nothing legal or moral, so please don't let yourself get angry at them - you would never sell yourself so low as that. Please contact some other agencies for ideas - there has to be something!

Ooh, I know that one of my friend's friends is doing gold parties on the side, and making some nice cash! Kind of like Mary Kay and Southern Living home parties...

[naej]

Hi Mish, sorry you didn't get the help. I have asked myself many of the same questions. After a lifetime of never owing a penny never being in debt and never spending what I didn't have when I looked for some help due to a D and losing huge amounts of money due to eonomic climate I was told I didn't qualify and yet I see others who do who on the face of it have far more than me, but whose to say they actually own any of it?

A lifetime of being careful and thrifty ways have not benefitted me at all.
In fact I was told it was a pity I didn't have debts because they could help clear them and once on the system or it it, then it appears you have carte blanch to every other handout!
Makes no sense to me.

Wishing you a silver lining.

[mishka422]

Mish, don't even go there. If he does, on an outside crazy chance, suggest reconciliation, tell him that he has to focus on one thing at a time, and right now, that is straightening himself out, becoming a whole person, without trying to have you do the work that only he can do himself.
You never have to answer the question directly. And when/if he gets to a stronger place, he will be ok hearing the answer.

Good way to put it Donna! Thanks.

He actually just cancelled for lunch so hopefully he has thought more about what he was intimating last night and thought better of it. Off the hook there at least!

[mishka422]

I HAD to share this beautiful link with you all. It says everything that I have been trying to live by this past year.

Enjoy the Ride

[MichelleLT]

(((((Mishka))))))

Going back to the house stitch...your mom may just have to suck it up and give up her own room. That's just reality. In about 80% of the world, you can't expect to have your own room, we're just spoiled here.

Strange developments with your XH.

Hang in there sweetie.

[BobbiJo]

Loved the link, Mish. I know you don't want him right now, but I would be glad if your H realized what a treasure he had given up when he walked away from you....

They say all of these guys (and gals) will SOMEDAY realize just what a major mistake they made, even if they never admit it to anyone. Maybe in your case it will be sooner than later. Even if you don't want him back I would think it would be nice if he eventually acknowledged that.

Thinkin of ya

[AliSuddenly]

Yep, I said didnt I.. Mercury retrograding and is now in whats called "A finger of God" pattern with Pluto squared to Venus (yep, taht again) and the north node our "true destiny".. its about relationships and stark realisations and endings, IF it contacts personal planets in yuor chart. If not, you will feel it anyway, you will see it around you in other peoples dramatic sitchs/feelings/realisations.. and I sure did say the boards had gone wierd hey! (oh and Bobbi, I see it being bought into the light of day in your sitch.. as Pluto/Venus is about sexual urges that drive us and governs what they call "S&M relationships", or just in the dynamics of having power and control and porn is a classic example of objectififying sex.)

Mish, I dont mean to prod you with a poky stick, but what you said in your posts AFTER the post where you typed the convo with Gabe didnt add up to me. Your convo with him read that you were very curious to hear what he had to say and inviting him to speak with you, or meet and even tried to coax it out of him.

You then go onto say you sort of arent interested in him, or what he has to say, other than friendship.. but you mention something about having to close yourself off to him and not allow yourself to go there...?

You also said ...

"There are too many changes I would have to see and I know he is not going to make them. He doesn't want to hear what they are and has a totally defeatest attitude. I can't deal with"

..but the way you deal with Gabe and talk about him, kinda sounds defeatist anyway! From an outsiders perspective, I feel he has regretted his decison for a long time, is very unhappy and misses you. Whether he's capable of stepping up and talking to you in a constructive way and whether you would consider giving him a 2nd chance.. well, guess its looking unlikey, but I cant help feeling hopeful that its possible! Am I just crazy??

If nothing else.. hey, at least you can feel vindicated, you are the greenest of greener grass!!!

xxx

[ernest88]

..but the way you deal with Gabe and talk about him, kinda sounds defeatist anyway! From an outsiders perspective, I feel he has regretted his decison for a long time, is very unhappy and misses you. Whether he's capable of stepping up and talking to you in a constructive way and whether you would consider giving him a 2nd chance.. well, guess its looking unlikey, but I cant help feeling hopeful that its possible! Am I just crazy??

or maybe since he has been kicked around by the broom lately and back to Cali may be difficult for him due to financial restraints...he may just be looking for a soft place to land....familiar territory...

or he may be coming back...ya gotta prepare and decide what you will or won't allow either way....

[mishka422]

Ok, I've been thinking on this a little today and absorbing what you all have said.

Your convo with him read that you were very curious to hear what he had to say and inviting him to speak with you, or meet and even tried to coax it out of him.

I am curious to hear what he has to say. I won't deny that. I'm not curious about how he feels about me because I know how I feel. I want to see his eyes and hear him speak. I want to know what he is thinking with regards to his desire to stay with Marc. He is a broken man. I understand why he feels this way, but I know what my son needs and that is much more important to me than anything else.

but you mention something about having to close yourself off to him and not allow yourself to go there...?

I'm being honest with myself. I know my weaknesses. I am scared out my mind to be alone for the rest of my life. I must admit that if he did want to try to reconcile our M I would be tempted because of that. I can't do that. I won't go backward. There has been to much work on my side to get to the point where I can even function on a daily basis and I know what would happen to me if I allowed him back in. I'd shatter and where would that leave Marc? Would that help him? No. What kind of a life would that be? Miserable.

or maybe since he has been kicked around by the broom lately and back to Cali may be difficult for him due to financial restraints...he may just be looking for a soft place to land....familiar territory...

Bingo. My thoughts exactly. That's why I told him that I was his comfort zone for so many years. Hopefully my saying that led him to that realization as well.

He picked Marc up last night for karate and was going to do the dishes that Marc had left half undone. I told him not to since it was Marc's job and he would just have to do it when he got home. He even played with the dog for a few minutes while he was waiting for Marc. I hope he is feeling comfortable enough to be able to be around us but I also hope that being around the house isn't confusing him further.

I just don't know what the heck to do here. It's not like I know what he's thinking. As far as I know, he's leaving for CA in less than 2 weeks. The end. Nothing for Marc. I'm it and trust me, that just isn't enough. I feel horrible for my son that I was such a mess that I couldn't keep his family together. The guilt I feel for that will hurt my heart forever, but I know that none of this was my choice. It's too late to have any regrets, I know, don't tell me. All I can do is try to make the best of things.